Dear Amy: I am in my late 70s, and my past has come back to haunt me.

My late husband and I raised lovely children, but I was an abuser. All of our children were victims of my abuse while growing up, but my daughter bore the brunt of it.

A few days ago, my daughter and I had what I thought was a mild confrontation, but it became a monster. All she can do is cry, because she says it brought back memories of all of the things I did to her during her growing-up years.

I have considered counseling, but I talked with another individual who said the problem of not moving on is her problem, not mine, since I have asked numerous times for her forgiveness and have prayed that God will forgive me. However, I’m not certain that I have forgiven myself.

The rest of my children, who know nothing about this issue, say that I was a wonderful mother and, yes, I did do bad things, but they have moved on and are all well-balanced citizens. My daughter is a fantastic person with a fantastic career and on her own has raised well-adjusted and happy children. When I commented to her that good kids can come from bad parents, she immediately responded, “Yeah, I think I am the one who said that to you.”

I do not know what to do because it is now affecting me. Before, I had a wonderful life, full of family, my own home and a part-time job, but now my past keeps creeping into my daily thoughts, and I am miserable and don’t want to see anyone. My daughter wants to keep her distance until she is “ready” to see me. We used to be very close, despite everything. I cannot change what was, but I do not want to spend the rest of my years feeling as I do now. — Very Sad

I don’t know who advised you against getting professional help, but that person was wrong. Your past behavior is affecting your life negatively now, and it won’t get better until you come to terms with what you did, take responsibility and make amends.

You should not ask people with a vested interest in having a relationship with you (i.e., your other children) to gauge your past behavior or tell you how you should feel in the present. The reason you should talk with a professional therapist is because this is someone who will hear your story, told in the way only you can tell it. You should encourage your daughter to join you.

Ideally, this process would lead you toward a real, deep and honest reconciliation with your daughter. I agree that it is her responsibility to come to terms with her own life, but you are her mother, you were her abuser and now you should work on healing yourself so you can help her.

Amy’s column appears seven days a week at Write to Amy Dickinson at or Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, Ill. 60611.

by the Chicago Tribune