Dear Amy: My mom and stepdad recently invited themselves to visit my husband and me. Since they live several states away, most of our communication is done by email or talking on the phone.
Each call is answered by Mom, who immediately puts the phone on speaker, so he can listen in.
They share a cellphone and email account. He often deletes or responds to my emails addressed to Mom with a generic response; often my mother has no knowledge of it.
Their recent visit lasted for nine days. I had high hopes for spending even an hour alone with Mom.
Each time my patient husband tried to suggest activities for the guys to do together, my stepdad quickly jumped onboard with what we ladies were doing. He wouldn't leave our sides.
They have been together for more than 20 years, and his cling-on tendencies and eavesdropping are increasing.
I do not recall having any one-on-one time with Mom in over a decade.
I get a lump in my throat realizing that I may never again have time alone with my mother.
Please help me to understand what could be causing his insecure behavior, and how to address it.
R: Your stepfather sounds very controlling, and his behavior is interfering with your relationship with your mother — and isolating her from you (and probably, everyone else). Dementia might be influencing his behavior, but maybe not.
You may have to be much more proactive, and insistent.
The next time your mother answers the phone, tell her, “Please, take me off speaker, Mom. I want to have a private conversation with you about some things going on in my life.”
Your stepfather’s interference with email communication addressed to your mother is alarming. You should try to discern if she is overwhelmed by this constant surveillance, interference and isolation. Does she have friends outside of her marriage? How is her health (and his)? Convey to both of them what you want — the ability to have occasional private talks with your mother and to have emails addressed to her actually shared with her.
If your mother is caught in this system, it could be very challenging for you to influence her. The most important thing is for you to keep communicating. You should also try to schedule a visit to see her on her home turf.
Dear Amy: I have a friend who has struggled with mental problems as a result of growing up with an abusive mother. My friend is 57 years old and now cares for her mother.
She works and has been sober for 30 years.
Last year she confided in me that she had not bathed or showered in many months.
I have noticed her body odor.
She is working with a therapist to get through this issue. My problem is that she visits with me for a long weekend, and I have a small apartment and so the odor becomes obvious.
I'm not comfortable saying anything to her. Any advice?
Holding My Nose
Holding My Nose: Your friend has been honest with you about her hygiene issue. This is a fairly common symptom of depression and falls under the very important category of “self-care.”
I give you a lot of credit for maintaining this friendship in such a supportive and compassionate way.
One suggestion is that you set up your own bathroom for a “spa” experience for her. Provide fluffy towels, scented bath soaps, candles, soft music, etc. Tell her that if she would like to enjoy this luxury, you will give her plenty of privacy to do so. Tell her you hope she will accept this gift and take good and gentle care of herself, but don’t pressure her. Make your washer and dryer available for her to wash her clothing.
Cook good and healthy meals together. Talk, share and listen.
Your friend is seeking professional help to try to develop strategies to cope with her illness. Your friendship could be an important lifeline for her.
Dear Amy: I'd like to point out an error in your column. "Concerned Parents" wrote to you regarding their daughter's horrible boss. In your answer, you suggested that they notify the owner of the company about the boss's unethical behavior. But — as was clear in the letter — the boss was also the owner of the company!
You need a vacation.
Reader: Yes, the error was mine. Many readers caught it, and thank you all.
And, yes, I do need a vacation.