DEAR AMY: I am a 19-year-old girl at high risk for breast cancer; it killed my paternal grandmother at age 35, and my maternal aunt was diagnosed at age 56. I want to have my genes screened so I can receive genetic counseling and decide whether a pre-emptive mastectomy would be a wise choice.
Shockingly, my mother objects to me having my genes tested. She says I may be better off not knowing, and that insurance wouldn’t cover it. I say my life is worth more than the cost of a screening and surgery.
I believe there is another reason my mother is objecting: She is afraid that if I learn I have a cancer gene, I will never have children. I don’t want to accuse my mother of putting the possibility of grandchildren ahead of her own child’s life, but I am convinced this is coloring her opinion.
Amy, I intend to have my genes screened as soon as I am self-supporting, and I want my mother to do the same. I will also need her support if I am faced with the decision of whether or not to have a mastectomy. What can I do to convince her of the value of prevention? -- Pro-Prevention
DEAR PRO: You might be able to gather more information if your aunt who has cancer will agree to have her genes tested (if she is still living). If she tests positive for the BRCA1 or BRCA2 cancer genes, this would provide stronger evidence that you should then be tested.
The National Cancer Institute publishes detailed information on genetic testing on its Web site: cancer.gov. You might be able to interest your mother in becoming more informed about her own health by asking her to research this with you.
Your theory that your mother denies you this testing and counseling because she is afraid you will not have children seems like a reach. But reassure her about this and don’t push her too hard about testing for herself. Just as you should be in charge of your own body and health, she must be in charge of hers.
DEAR AMY: I work in a large company, and there are 15 people in my department. Whenever people in the department get married or have a baby, we throw a shower in their honor. We decorate the boardroom, chip in for a nice present and have a cake. We’ve done it for years, and everyone seems to enjoy these little parties.
One of the guys in my department is gay. He is marrying his partner soon. He’s a really nice guy, a good worker and everyone likes him. He has always participated in these wedding and baby showers. I just assumed that we would have a shower for him because now it’s his turn to celebrate a significant life event, but some people have indicated that they would feel funny having a shower for a same-sex couple.
I don’t see it. In addition to the fact that I think we should celebrate his marriage, he has contributed to everyone else’s showers, so I think it’s only fair that we should have a shower for him. What do you think? -- Why Not From Canada
DEAR WHY NOT: I’m with you. And your colleague. And anyone who wishes to celebrate and share an important life event with conference-room cake. You should ask your colleague if he would enjoy a wedding shower and, if so, pull this together.
DEAR AMY: “Sad” felt sorry for herself because she had an affair with a married man, broke up his family when she married him and now his adult children didn’t want to have anything to do with either of them.
She was complicit with him, and he is a liar and a cheat. Why should these adult children want to have anything to do with them? -- Disgusted
DEAR DISGUSTED: The first step toward forgiveness is to admit wrongdoing and ask to be forgiven. These people have some work to do.