News from Britain: Royal family isn’t balancing the books. Buckingham Palace boiler out-of-date and utility bills sky-high. Royal household told to reduce its costs and increase income.
Now a secret list has come to light, outlining a series of potential austerity measures to help cut costs. Could it even have been written by Her Majesty Herself?
1) Corgis to swap Pedigree Chum for the supermarket’s own brand.
2) Goodbye, Fortnum & Mason — hello, Asda (Wal-Mart).
3) Give butlers head torches for evening shift.
4) Telly only twice a week.
5) Place more bets on horse racing. Trust your ability to spot winners.
6) Diversification: Mini-golf course at Buckingham Palace. Castle of Mey ( Mother’s house) to become a haunted castle attraction. Balmoral (my holiday getaway in Scotland) to host weddings: “Don’t rush to Gretna; have a proper bash at Balmoral.”
7) Launch my own brand of perfume: “Eau de Reine” for people of power. Or Monarch’s Mist?
8) Talk to Bravo about reality-TV series. Think the Kardashians have problems? Meet the Windsors!
9) Write tell-all memoir. Poss title: “Heavy Crown, Strong Neck.”
10) Negotiate better deal for having my face on all the money and stamps — perhaps a back-end percentage? Call lawyer.
11) Cut booze bill in half. Philip won’t like this one bit.
12) Put Fergie to work in the Tower of London doing tours with the Beefeaters.
13) Throw swishing party for ladies of a similar age to swap clothes (no crowns).
14) Get more people to pay for honors and titles, especially footballers, except David Beckham, OBE — he’s rather dishy.