The difference between a three-cupped bra and the Human Barbie: One of them is associated with a far more freakish distortion of the human female form. (Bob Staake for The Washington Post )

A three-cupped bra and the Human Barbie: One of them is associated with a far more freakish distortion of the human female form.

Bob Staake’s No. 2 pencils and the Arizona legislature: Whatever comes out of either of them is sure to be greeted with utter astonishment.

• A Fleetwood Mac reunion
• Sriracha Life Savers
• A Sochi hotel
• The polar vortex
• Bellybutton lint
• A three-cupped bra
• April Fools’ Day
• Bob Staake’s No. 2 pencils
• The Human Barbie
• “Jeopardy!” champ Arthur Chu
• The Arizona legislature
• West African fufu
• Buzzfeed quizzes
• A USB stick marked “Property of NSA”
• XL jeggings
• Adele Dazeem

It’s our perennial compare/contrast contest, in which you take any two items from the list above and explain how they’re similar or different, as in the examples above. This week’s items are how-you-say Loser-generated content: The Empress asked the members of the Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook — now numbering more than 700 Losers and various hangers-on — to cough up a bunch of nouns or noun phrases. Then she picked 16 of them — each from a different person — to ensure randomness.

Put your bread of affliction right here: This week’s second-prize matzoh-motif toilet seat cover. (Pat Myers/The Washington Post)

Winner gets the Inkin’ Memorial, the Lincoln statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives — in time for Passover, though it’s just as useful all year round — a toilet seat cover that looks like a big oval matzoh, emblazoned with “Let my people go” in that awful ersatz-Hebrew lettering. Given the tendency of matzoh to be somewhat “binding” on the digestive process, the legend bears a certain irony. Donated by Loser Mike Gips, who might want to pray a little harder for forgiveness at the seder this year.

Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired “Whole Fools” Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet, either the Po’ Wit Laureate or Puns of Steel. First Offenders receive a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to or, if you were born in the 19th century, fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 17; results published April 6 (online April 3). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include “Week 1063” in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at This week’s honorable-mentions subhead is by Tom Witte; the alternative headline for the “next week’s results” line is by Chris Doyle. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at, and click “like” on Style Invitational Ink of the Day at

Report from Week 1059

in which we asked you to add some words in parentheses to the title of a well-known song:

The winner of the Inkin’ Memorial:

(Ad)just the Way You Are (Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

2. Winner of the Bimbo (food stores) shopping bag:
Me and Bobby McGee (Are English Majors) (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.)

3. Papa’s Got a Brand New Bag (But He Had to Pay the Damn Five Cents) (Jeff Seigle, Vienna, Va.)

4. Masters of War (Johnson of Love) (Bill Smith, Reston, Va.)

Pa(ren)thetic: honorable mentions

Wishin’ and Hopin’ (That Key Between the F and the H Starts Workin’) (Russell Beland, Fairfax, Va.)

(Workin’ at Walmart, So I’m) Livin’ on a Prayer (Marni Penning Coleman, Falls Church, Va.)

I’d Really Love to See You Tonight (So I Hope You Open Your Blinds) (Robyn Carlson, Keyser, W.Va.)

We Gotta Get Out of This Place (Before Deer Season Opens) – The Animals (Larry Neal, McLean, Va.)

You Can Do Magic (But You Can’t Put the Toilet Seat Down) (Robyn Carlson)

Greensleeves (How About Using Kleenex?) (Kathleen DeBold, Burtonsville, Md.; Sylvia Betts, Vancouver, B.C.)

I Will Always Love You (Don’t Play This at Your Wedding, You Moron, It’s a Breakup Song) (Jeff Seigle)

Like a Rolling Stone (Follow Mick on Facebook) (Bill Smith)

Take It to the Limit (It’s My Parents’ Card) (Jennifer Gittins-Harfst, Annandale, Va.)

(Playing Garage Band on My iPhone) While My Guitar Gently Weeps (Marni Penning Coleman)

Hold On, We’re Going Home (I Told You I’d Turn This Car Around if You Threw That Crayon) (Andrew McLean, Huntingtown, Md., a First Offender)

Respect Yourself (But First, Go Fetch Me a Beer) (David Garratt, Silver City, N.M.)

Baby I Need Your (Payment Before We Start the) Loving (Gerald Diamond, London, Ontario)

(Why Is Your Name Tattooed on) My Boyfriend’s Back (Steve McClemons, Arlington, Va.)

Every Face Tells a Story (Yours Was Written by Stephen King) (Lawrence McGuire)

I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For (Where Are Those $3.98 Clearance Pants In Neon Orange?) (Lawrence McGuire)

I Got You Babe (Love Theme From “Paul Bunyan”) (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)

Since U Been Gone (Learning to Live With Only 25 Letters) (John McCooey, Rehoboth Beach, Del.)

To All the Girls I’ve Loved Before (You Might Want to Get Tested) (Kristen Rahman, Silver Spring)

Don’t Ever Change (The Baby’s Diaper Again Using a Staple Gun) (Brian Allgar, Paris)

(My Sex Change Operation Is Tomorrow) Bye Bye Birdie (Dan O’Day, Alexandria, Va.)

Wild Is the Wind (And Overspiced Was the Eggplant) (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)

Hard Knock Life (For a Jehovah’s Witness) (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)

I Will Always Love You (Within the Contractual Terms of Our Agreement) (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.)

You’ve Got a Friend in Me (The Orgy Song) (Warren Tanabe, Annapolis, Md.)

Three Little Words (Click to Learn This Weird Seduction Secret!) (Harold Mantle, Lafayette, Calif.)

Buffalo Gals (Are Not as Hot as Buffalo Wings) (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)

My Eyes Adored You (But My Nose Disagreed) (Kevin Jamison, Gaithersburg, Md.)

(First I Saw Yore in the Dictionary) Then Came You (Kevin Jamison)

Thou Swell (When Thou Gettest Stung by a Jellyfishe) (Mae Scanlan, Washington)

(How I Wish I Still Lived in My Parents’ Basement, I’ve Got Those) Subterranean Homesick Blues (Douglas Goralski, McLean, Va.)

(My Horse Was Double-Parked Here First, So It’s My) Space Cowboy (Kevin Dopart, Washington)

Stuck in the (Hi!) Middle With You (Kevin Dopart)

I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing (In Perfect Harmony) (As Long as Everyone’s Singing in English) (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.)

The Devil Went Down to Georgia (Next Stop, Ukraine) (Dann Sklarew, Arlington, Va., a First Offender)

We Didn’t Start the Fire (We Just Pulled the Alarm to Get Out of History Class) (Danny Bravman, Chicago)

(Putin Is Totally) Over the Rainbow (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.)

I’m Looking Through You (That’s One Nasty Exit Wound) (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.)

Turn! Turn! Turn! (Recalculating . . .) (Brendan Beary; Danielle Nowlin, Woodbridge, Va.)

Papa Was a Rolling Stone (Coulda Been Any of ’Em — Mama Was a Groupie at Altamont) (Brendan Beary)

What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger (The Denny’s Song) (Barbara Turner, Takoma Park, Md.)

If Ever I Would Leave You (The Dog’s Going With Me) (Chris Doyle, The Villages, Fla.)

Ain’t No Sunshine (Where You Ought to Put Your Opinions) (Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.)

I Will Always Love You (After You Sign Here, and Initial Here) (Laurie Morrison, Rockville, Md.)

(My) Turn! (My) Turn! (My) Turn! (Bonnie Speary Devore, Gaithersburg, Md.)

(I Got Ink! Now) Da Ya Think I’m Sexy? (May Jampathom, Oakhurst, N.J.)

Still running — deadline Monday night: A contest for current-events poems: See

See the Empress’s online column The Style Conversational (published late Thursday), in which she discusses today’s new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose the wrong winner. If you’d like an e-mail notification each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, sign up here or write to the Empress at (note that in the subject line) and she’ll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook, join the far more lively group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in there.

Next week’s results: Picture This, or Art of Dorkness, a contest to write captions for any of four Bob Staake cartoons. See