Elton John Wayne: Star of “The Queen Berets.” (Bob Staake)
Roseanne Boleyn: Queen who kept talking after being beheaded. (David Genser)
Tom Daschle Hammett: Author of “The Maltese Donkey.” (Stephen Dudzik)
If you’re a fan of “Wheel of Fortune” or “Jeopardy!” you know this construction as Before & After — it’s a portmanteau combining two names that have a common element. And if you’re a pathetically obsessed Invitational fan, you’ll remember the second and third examples above Week 287, in 1998 (though you don’t have to have much memory to be familiar with their writers — they’re still household names in the Invite). This week: Send us a Before & After “person” whose name combines two people’s names, real or fictional (okay, you can use animals’ names, too), and describe the person in a funny way. The central element doesn’t have to be spelled exactly right in both names if the entry is otherwise fabulous (see the third example above; the author’s name is Dashiell). But both people’s names have to be present in the combination, even if misspelled.
Winner gets the Inker, the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the actual Wonder Woman get-up worn in the 2007 film “Loveless in Los Angeles,” in which a struggling actress wears the costume on Hollywood Boulevard; a documentary on such people, “The Ambassadors of Hollywood” (also by Archie Gips, brother of Loser Mike Gips), screens at the Avalon in Northwest Washington on Sunday night.
Other runners-up win their choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders get a tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to firstname.lastname@example.org or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, March 26; results published April 15 (online April 13). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include “Week 963” in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. The revised title for next week is by Kevin Dopart; the subhead for this week’s honorable mentions is by Judy Blanchard. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev.
in which we asked you to move a TV program from one network to another and describe the result:
“The Amazing Race” moves to Fox News and becomes a show that chronicles the many adversities white people have overcome throughout history. (Kurt Stahl, Frederick, Md.)
2. Winner of the book “Whose Hair,” in which you guess same from pictures of faceless heads: If the Daytona 500 were on the Home Shopping Network, the race would be run in four easy monthly portions of 125 miles each. (Rick Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla.)
3. Wizards games move to Comedy Central: Home games would now be filmed in front of a live audience. (Ben Aronin, Arlington, Va.)
4. “Antiques Roadshow” moves to MTV: The appraisers inspect relics from the 1990s. (Michael Weiner, North Potomac, Md., a First Offender)
“The Colbert Report” to Fox News: The audience doesn’t laugh anymore. (David Genser, Poway Calif.; Kevin Dopart, Washington)
“Mighty Morphin Power Rangers” moves to ESPN: A Texas baseball team uses a special serum and doubles its home run total. (Brian Cohen, Lexington, Va.)
“Mad Men” moves to HBO: Admen go crazy when they discover they are on a network without commercials. (Mike Ostapiej, on travel in Doha, Qatar)
If “Toddlers and Tiaras” were on the Playboy Channel, it would be a training video. (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.)
“Miss World” moves to Al-Jazeera English, which airs the first televised Burqini competition. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)
“Flip This House” moves to MSNBC: Starring Nancy Pelosi, with John Boehner in a supporting role. Already scheduled to premiere Nov. 6. (David Genser)
Move “Iron Chef” to Oxygen. Same as the old show, but the chef is a bit rusty. (Dion Black, Washington)
“Deadwood” moves to CBS: “A [BLEEP] you [BLEEP] [BLEEP] the [BLEEP] my [BLEEP]. . .” (Mark Young, New York)
“Downton Abbey” moves to the CW and the undead heir Patrick Crawley returns to battle Lady Sybil’s vampire baby. (Kevin Dopart)
“Downton Abbey” moves to UFC channel Fuel: Heir apparent Matthew “The Mauler” Crawley takes on ruthless newsman Richard “Killer” Carlisle in a no-holds-barred bout to see who will win the beautiful Mary, while noble valet John “Bonecrusher” Bates uses his gimpy leg for a surprising roundhouse kick against creepy footman Thomas. (Megan Durham, Reston, Va.)
“Monday Night Football” moves to CBN: The Broncos are playing again? (David Koronet, Mount Airy, Md., a First Offender)
C-SPAN congressional coverage moves to the Home Shopping Network: Lobbyists may now inspect and purchase politicians at fabulous savings without leaving home. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.)
“Sister Wives” moves to the USA Network: The blond wives are being murdered. Nobody knows that the killer is the brunette wife except anyone who has ever watched TV. (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.)
“The Sopranos” moves to the Game Show Network: Tony and the gang are unbeatable on “Family Feud,” with terrible things happening to their opponents each week. (Robert Schechter)
“The Dukes of Hazzard” moves to Lifetime: The General Lee is replaced by a Prius, and Bo and Luke become chiseled, sensitive veterinarians who help Daisy battle corrupt fashion designer Embossed Hog. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)
“The Biggest Loser” on Animal Planet: Tragedy ensues when the carnivore contestants fail to understand that “vegetarian diet” does not include the herbivore contestants. (Jerry Birchmore, Springfield, Va.)
Move “The Big Bang Theory” to CBN and rename it “The Big Bang Only-a-Theory.” (Matt Monitto, Elon, N.C.; Barr Weiner, Washington)
Porn on Home Shopping Network: “Remember, men, only the first 100 purchasers will appear in the Jenna Jameson video . . .” (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)
Visit the online discussion group The Style Conversational, where the Empress discusses today’s new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose the wrong winner. If you’d like an e-mail notification each week when the Invitational and Conversational are posted online, write to the Empress at email@example.com (note that in the subject line) and she’ll add you to the mailing list. And on Facebook, join the far more lively group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in.
Next week: Raving Reviews,or Product Endorkments