(Aart-Jan Venema for The Washington Post)

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Give praise! 2018 is over, and it took only about 27 years.

Wildfires raged; kids marched for their lives; families were separated at the border. Mueller investigated; Omarosa told all; Tillerson got dumped on Twitter. Kavanaugh and Ford spoke; the Queen of Soul and the maverick of the Senate passed; dragon energy permeated the Oval Office.

Throughout it all, the Bad Men list grew longer, engagements got shorter and regularly scheduled events — the Olympics! The World Cup! Combative presidential news conferences! — plodded along.

Sure, we got distracted. We humans always do. Arie proposed. Ari accepted. Stormy sued. Stormi debuted. But even that stuff made time’s march slow and painful. “Black Panther,” Yanni or Laurel, the royal wedding? All of that happened in the year of our Lord Two Thousand and Eighteen. Trust us, we checked the dates. We have rapidly aged.

And just when we’ve figured out how to stomach all this news, here comes 2020, hurtling toward us like a tornado of Iowa double-bacon corn dogs. So grab the antacid and enjoy 2019 while you can, babies. It’ll last only a year.

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Captain America Captain Marvel
Keep Portland Weird Keep Crystal City Weird
Concerned Jeff Flake Concerned Mitt Romney
Oat milk Peanut milk
#DeleteFacebook (again) #DeleteInstagram (finally)
Worrying about Bryce Harper leaving Worrying about John Wall staying
Senate gangs House squads
Matte lips Glitter lips
‘Oumuamua Bennu
GoldLink YBN Cordae
Noah Centineo Charles Melton
Cannabis candies Cannabis candles
“True Detective” “Detective Pikachu”
Redefining masculinity Redefining motherhood
Super Bowl halftime show Democratic primary debates
Lyft for scooters Uber for planes
Meal prep Disaster prep
Meghan Markle Meghan Markle’s baby
White china Granny china
Canceled Deplatformed
Celery juice Calamansi juice
Keto diet Beto binge
Long Island City Love Island, USA
Claire Foy Olivia Colman
Putting faith in the Redskins Putting faith in the Mystics
Edited baby genes Bootcut jeans
Male comebacks Congresswoman clapbacks
“We” “Us”
Portugal Ghana
‘70s tailoring ‘90s grunge
Ruston Kelly Dillon Carmichael
“Fire and Fury” “Aunts and Angels”
Tumblrs Rumblers
Countdown to the “Game of Thrones” finale Countdown to the “Game of Thrones” prequel
Night mayor Nightmares
The sun A black hole
Trump International Hotel Des Moines Marriott
Paganism Peganism
Netflix comedy specials Netflix reality shows
No comment from the special counsel’s office No comment from the special counsel’s office
Canned tuna Lab-grown tuna
TV reboots Disney remakes
Plant protein Pro-teens
Awkwafina Michelle Buteau
Religion: none Religion: all
Fights about condiments Fights about emoluments
Stadium book tours Stadium reunion tours
Monstera Calathea
Tech billionaire bros Silicon Valley women
Aperol spritzes Wine-flavored water
Person close to Jared Kushner Lawyer close to Jared Kushner
Weird Twitter Normie TikTok
Rolling your face Shaving off your face
Autocracy Neo-autocracy