Charlie Sheen — the tiger-blooded, Adonis-DNA’d sitcom star who vowed last month never to return to “Two and a Half Men” “for as long as this warlock exists in the terrestrial dimension” — wants his job back.
Sheen, who got sacked last month from the hit CBS comedy, now says it’s “85 percent” likely he will be back on the show this fall.
On the other hand, consider the source of the information.
Boston sports radio station WBZ (98.5 FM) — owned by CBS, coincidentally — had noticed that in recent appearances of his Violent Torpedo of Truth Tour, Sheen started mentioning that he wants his “Men” gig back.
So when the station interviewed Sheen after his tour’s stop in that city — the Boston Globe called it a “dreary debacle,” BTW — it chatted him up on that very subject.
“There’ve been discussions” about his coming back on the show next season, Sheen said in that interview Tuesday night — mentioning the 85 percent figure, but adding that he was not at liberty to discuss it.
Now, “there’ve been discussions” can cover a multitude of sins.
That could mean, for instance, that it’s something Sheen’s camp has put on the table as a condition of Sheen’s dropping his $100 million lawsuit against Warner Bros. and show exec producer Chuck Lorre.
Or it could be an idea hatched by CBS, which counts on “Two and a Half Men” to tent-pole its Monday-night schedule ratings-wise.
Or it could just be Good Charlie discussing things with Bad Charlie.
The possibilities are nearly endless.
While Sheen said he was not able to discuss the “discussions,” he did want to make one thing very clear during his Boston radio interview: Warner Bros. and Lorre are entirely to blame for his behavior leading up to his firing.
“Had they told me at the end of Season 8 that that behavior wasn’t going to be cool, I would have adjusted it,” Sheen whined to WBZ.
No word yet from Warner Bros. or Lorre.
So why is Sheen suddenly so eager to go back to “Two and a Half Men” after all that blather about how happy he was to be free from the show when Warner Bros. announced it had sacked him?
The Violent Torpedo of Truth Tour is getting very mixed reviews, from critics and audience members alike (See: “dreary debacle,” above).
Also limiting his job options, casting specialists learned Tuesday night that Sheen has absolutely no talent for improv. He appeared on GSN’s new Drew Carey-hosted series, “Improv-a-Ganza.” In the segment, the cast of comics stands in a line and one of them acts as conductor. They ask the audience to come up with a fairy-tale name and then they take turns creating the storyline. Sheen’s contributions to the storyline for the fairy tale “Dumbalina” included:
l “Charlie Sheen [had sex with] a dead hooker.”
l “Charlie Sheen [had sex with] a dead hooker.”
Yes, he liked it so much he contributed it twice; and:
l “Charlie Sheen asked, ‘Can I get a prenup, you [female canine].’ ”
All day long Wednesday, The TV Column was told emphatically that there was one, and only one, executive at Warner Bros. who is handling the Charlie Sheen situation.
That person, we were told, is on vacation, but is checking his e-mails at the end of each day.
Warner Bros. has 10,000 employees, according to its Web site. If this guy is really that mission-critical, he should demand a hefty raise.
Katie Couric’s appearance on the “Today” show did not result, as we had hoped, in a Trifecta of Awkwardness, in which Katie and “Today” co-hosts Matt Lauer and Meredith Vieira — all of whom are reported to have one foot out the door at their current jobs — appeared simultaneously on our small screen.
Meredith faded away when Katie came on to the set to be interviewed by Matt — Katie’s former “Today” show partner — ostensibly about her new book of essays by celebrities, “The Best Advice I Ever Got: Lessons From Extraordinary Lives.”
“As the speculation continues, the longer it goes, the more headlines are in the paper, the more time being taken away and space being taken away from important things — like Charlie Sheen,” Matt told Katie.
“That’s true,” Katie acknowledged. “I need to give the headlines back to Charlie. I feel really bad about that.”
Seasoned pro that he is, Matt had, in the blink of an eye, transitioned from Katie’s book to the Thing No One Will Stop Talking About.
“There is an entire chapter in the book devoted to taking risks, seeking opportunities. Have you heard any good rumors lately?” Matt said, by way of making an ultra-smooth segue.
“No, have you?” Katie joked, probably unsure whether he was referring to her leaving the “CBS Evening News,” her starting a syndicated talk show or her starting a syndicated talk show with Matt himself.
“What are you going to do?” Matt asked point-blank.
“I’m not sure,” Katie responded. “I’m really excited about the future. I love doing my job at the ‘CBS Evening News.’ ”
We’d heard it all before yesterday when she visited CBS’s “The Early Show” and ABC’s “The View.”
“Barbara Walters . . . was like: ‘Ech! Ech! Ech! Ech!’ ” Katie said of her “View” visit, making a noise like an annoying car alarm — which apparently is how she hears Walters’s voice in her head. “And I just don’t know, honestly.”
“I know you very well, and I know the business pretty well,” Matt pressed on. “Is it fair of me to assume you have made a decision — because you’ve only got a number of weeks left on your contract . . . but you’ve yet to discuss openly the decision?”
“No, I really haven’t,” Katie protested. “I’m in the middle of figuring out where would be the best place for me, what would be the best job for me.”
“And it still might be at CBS doing the news?” Matt asked.
“Yes. Yes. So, yeah — I’m going to call you as soon as I know,” Katie pledged faithfully.
The two continued to bill and coo:
“When you lay in bed at night, close your eyes and think of a possible syndicated show, are you thinking of something that looks like ‘Oprah,’ looks like ‘Ellen,’ looks like ‘Regis,’ looks like ‘The View’?” Matt wondered.
“You know I’m a good dancer,” Katie responded, flashing her famously blinding grin at her former co-anchor.
Matt tried not to be distracted. “No, seriously, I’m trying to get my arms around what you’re considering,” he said, starting to sound more and more like a prospective co-host over lunch.
“I think a smart conversation about a whole host of subjects would be really fun,” Katie finally indulged him. “I’m obviously interested in medical and health information. I’m interested in controversial topics and social issues.”
Lauer, losing interest, got back to the important issue at hand: When would she break the Big News?
“I don’t love this part of it,” Katie pouted.
Finally, Matt had to cut her off — they were out of time! It was like that scene from “An Affair to Remember” when Deborah Kerr and Cary Grant are getting ready to de-board the ocean liner to go their separate ways, but promise to meet again in six months at the top of the Empire State Building.
“Can I just mention really quickly . . . you did a fantastic essay [for the book] about going off course, and making a tough choice while you were in college,” Katie said breathlessly. “And by the way, the girls are doing great! I’ve produced a — ”
“The proceeds go — ” Matt said.
“To Scholarship America, which will help needy kids go to college,” Katie finished.
“Don’t we have more time?” Katie said wistfully.
“We actually have to go to commercial,” Matt answered, sadly.
Can’t someone get these crazy kids back together to do a talk show?