Because the world will both shatter and implode if we fail to note this — because lakes will dry up and locusts will fall from the sky and entire subspecies of animals, mostly invertebrates, will go extinct, and because you have already read about it on People.com and will send us angry e-mails if we fail to also cover it (“This is why your industry is dying”), and because the news surprised exactly no one and yet when we updated our colleague, he still went, “WHAT?!”
Because we have been captive to this sad circus for so long, so wearyingly and unbelievably long. Because no matter how cool Oprah pretended to be, we bet she was mad about her couch springs, and we bet they never got replaced.
Because we could have finally read “The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao” in the time we instead spent asking the following questions: How long can it last? What are the terms of her contract and how much is she being paid? Has she seen “Far and Away”?
Because we had to learn about “silent births” and “thetans” and “what shoes to wear when you are three inches taller than your husband.” Because of that Tuesday afternoon we once wasted trying to figure out what was supposed to be funny about Suri’s Burn Book — and we still don’t get it.
Because everyone will say they do not care about this, yet everyone will know and talk about this, and because it pains us that culture is like this, but we must observe it anyway, because we’re only human, God help us, we’re only human.
Because of all of this, we report:
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are getting divorced.