Alright everybody, here we go. I am the last person standing between you and your after-party. So in just one hour and 15 minutes you will be walking out of here, all right? I’m gonna break Jay Leno’s record tonight. Strap in. Here we go.
Good evening, Mr. President, or as Paul Ryan refers to you, yet another inner-city minority relying on the government to feed and house your family. I am a big fan of President Obama. I think he’s one of the all-time great presidents, definitely in the top 50. Please explain that to Jessica Simpson. You’re right, that was low.
All right, how about the president’s performance tonight, everyone? Sir, it’s amazing that you can still bring it with fresh, hilarious material. My favorite bit of yours was when you said you would close the detention facility at Guantanamo Bay. That was a classic. That was hilarious, hilarious. Still going.
I would like to take a moment to recognize the first lady. Mrs. Obama, you have been very kind to me and my family, especially when you showed us all how to tear a phone book in half with your bare hands. It was incredible. I would also like to thank the White House Correspondents’ Association for having me and for not being able to book Jimmy Fallon. That’s true. All right, look, I know it’s been a long night, but I promise that tonight will be both amusing and over quickly, just like Chris Christie’ s presidential bid. I got a lot of these tonight, so buckle up, Governor Christie. Excuse me, extender buckle up. I deserve that. I agree on that one. You’re right on.
Now allow me to tell you a little bit about myself. My name is Joel McHale. I am on an NBC show called “Community.” That is exactly what I thought. I also host a show called “The Soup,” which is on the E! network, thank you. To Republicans in attendance, E! is the channel that your deeply closeted gay son likes to watch. Democrats, it’s the same channel that your happy, openly gay son likes to watch. E! is also home to the Kardashians, who believe it or not, are Republicans. And I know that because they are always trying to screw black people. Now just the men!
It’s an honor to be here tonight at the Washington Hilton. I am tingling with excitement — or maybe that’s just the bedbugs. I hope you all enjoyed your dinner. The filet tonight was grass-fed beef, freshly dragged off the Cliven Bundy ranch. The steaks are very tasty once you pull off the tiny white hoods. Oh see, you like Cliven Bundy? Okay I get it, all right great, all right let it be known, let the record show, all right.
Tonight’s show is being broadcast on C-SPAN. C-SPAN is like one of those “Paranormal Activity” movies. It’s just grainy shots of empty rooms interrupted by images of people you’re pretty sure died a few years ago. Yeah. Oh, and stay tuned, after the Correspondents’ Dinner for an all-new episode of C-SPAN’s hit show, “So You Think You Can Remain Conscious.” It’s very competitive.
This is the 100th year of the White House Correspondents’ Association. Yes, 100 years ago CNN was only searching for the Wright brothers’ plane. It’s true. And the Correspondents’ Dinner itself is a tradition dating back to 1920. Back then, this event was only for men. It’s true. And there is a plaque in the lobby commemorating this as the location of the very first ever total sausage fest. Hashtag total sausage fest.
But that’s all changed, now America is truly a land of diversity. Only here would you find a black president, a soon-to-be Hispanic majority, and all 19 nationalities contained within Arianna Huffington’s accent. That was low.
It is a genuine thrill to be here in Washington, D.C., the city that started the whole crack-smoking mayor craze. You guys were the first. I hope he’s not here tonight. People say that Toronto Mayor Rob Ford is a clumsy mess. But he can’t help it, he’s a big guy, he’s like a bull in a crack pipe shop. Between Rob Ford, Justin Bieber and Ted Cruz, you just want to tell Canada, “Hey, hey, relax – we already have a Florida.”
Ted Cruz proposed a government shutdown to protest the Affordable Care Act. And everyone else in Congress decided to go along with it simply to get some time away from Ted Cruz. The Tea Party is anti-socialism and anti-immigration, so it makes sense that their hero is a Cuban from Canada. Poignant, that one was poignant.
The vice president isn’t here tonight, not for security reasons, he just thought this event was being held at the Dulles Airport Applebee’s. Yes, right now Joe is elbow-deep in jalapeno poppers and talking to a construction cone that he thinks is John Boehner. Also true. It’s crazy to think that Joe Biden is only one heartbeat away from no one taking him seriously as president. Sorry for that one.
Biden will likely be running for president in 2016 saying, and I quote, “There’s no obvious reason not to.” He talks about his motivation for a presidential run as if he’s deciding to finish a meatball hoagie. “Hey, it’s there, isn’t it? All I’m saying is if the bread is toasty and the cheese is warm, I’m going to finish that thing. Jill, bring me my hoagie bib. No, not that one. The fancy one.”
Hillary Clinton has a lot going for her as a candidate: She has experience, she’s a natural leader. As our first female president, we could pay her 30 percent less. That is a savings this country could use. Who’s with me? Hillary’s daughter Chelsea is pregnant which means in nine months we will officially have a sequel to “Bad Grandpa.” It also raises the question, when the baby is born do you give Bill Clinton a cigar? You guys sound like you’re on a roller coaster right now.
There’s a heated race on the Republican side, they’re all battling to see who will win over the GOP base – and more importantly, who gets to apply turtle wax to Sheldon Adelson’s Rascal Scooter.
Jeb Bush says he’s thinking about running. Wow, another Bush might be in the White House. Is it already time for our every 10 years surprise party for Iraq? As it stands right now, the Republican presidential nominee will either be Jeb Bush, Rand Paul or a bag of flour with Ronald Reagan’s face drawn on it. Bag of flour! All right.
People are asking, will Donald Trump run again? And the answer is: Does that thing on his head crap in the woods? I actually don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know if that thing on his head has a digestive system.
Speaking of digestive systems, Chris Christie is here. He is actually here, tonight. Wow, sir, you are a glutton … for punishment. So, here we go. Chris Christie, his administration canceled the train tunnel to Manhattan, they’re closing the Pulaski Skyway and they blocked the George Washington Bridge. Finally, a politician willing to stand up to America’s commuters. Governor, do you want bridge jokes or size jokes? ’Cause I’ve got a bunch of both. I could go half and half. I know you like a combo platter. Now, I know, I get that. I am sorry for that joke, Governor Christie. I did not know I was going to tell it, but I take full responsibility for it. Whoever wrote it will be fired. But the buck stops here. So I will be a man and own up to it just as soon as I get to the bottom of how it happened because I was unaware it happened until just now. I am appointing a blue-ribbon commission of me to investigate the joke I just told. And if I find any wrongdoing on my part, I assure you I will be dealt with. I just looked into it. It turns out I am not responsible for it. Justice has been served. He is going to kill me.
Mr. President, you are no stranger to criticism. Ted Nugent called you a subhuman mongrel. And it’s comments like that which really makes me question whether we can take a guy who wrote “Wang Dang Sweet Poontang” seriously anymore. Your approval rating has slipped and even worse – you’ve only got two stars on Yelp. Mitch McConnell said his number one priority was to get the president out of office. So Mitch, congrats on being just two years away from realizing your goal. You did it! Kind of.
Mr. President, your harshest critics have compared you to Joseph Stalin, Adolf Hitler, and even Satan. And I just have to say those comparisons are outrageous. You look way older than those guys. Just because — look, Morgan Freeman has played a president a few times? That’s doesn’t mean you have to look exactly like him, all right? But you are healthy, which is great. Every year the White House doctor checks the president’s colon for polyps and George Clooney’ s head. Yeah.
It is good to see that White House press secretary and boy detective Jay Carney is here. It’s a big night for Jay. I haven’t seen him this nervous since the president told him, “Look, just go out there and tell them the Web site’s broken. They’ll understand.” That actually probably was a moment.
Mr. President, you have to admit, and you already have, the launch of healthcare.gov was a disaster. It was bad. It was bad. I don’t even have an analogy because the Web site is now the thing people use to describe other bad things. They say stuff like “Ugh, I shouldn’t have eaten that sushi, I was up all night healthcare.gov-ing.” “Boy, that latest Johnny Depp movie really health care.gov-ed at the box office.” “Look, my new rug! Did the dog healthcare.gov on it? You can’t get healthcare.gov out of shag.”
Thanks to Obamacare, or as the president refers to it, “me-care,” millions of newly insured young Americans can visit the doctor’s office and see what a print magazine actually looks like. That’s awesome. Now, over 8 million people have signed up for Obamacare, which sounds impressive until you realize Ashley Tisdale has 12 million Twitter followers, so – it’s pretty good.
There’s a lot going on in the world right now. There’s a mad man who’s had plastic surgery running around, annexing small countries in Eastern Europe. And all I keep thinking is, “What the hell is Bruce Jenner doing in Crimea?” Do they even get that show there?
Sir, I do think you’re making a big mistake with Putin. You have to show a guy like that that you are just as crazy as he is. He invades Crimea, you invade Cancun. Russia takes back the Ukraine, America takes back Texas. Something to think about.
Julia Pierson, the new director of the Secret Service is here tonight. Under her leadership, Secret Service agents no longer consort with prostitutes, thanks to their new “too drunk to make it to the brothel” program. I am sure she loves that. The director of National Intelligence, James Clapper, is here. Finally, I can put a face to the mysterious voice clearing its throat on the other end of the phone. It was weird.
To prepare for tonight, I have been watching a lot of cable news. I am a big fan of that lesbian on MSNBC – Chris Hayes, he’s great. Yeah, I agree. MSNBC is a confusing place! I mean, Al Sharpton is their skinny guy. And CNN is desperately searching for something they’ve been missing for months – their dignity. Totally. That was just that table. At this point, CNN is like the RadioShack in a strip mall. You don’t know how it stayed in business this long, you don’t know anyone who shops there, and they just fired Piers Morgan.
Thank you. Fox News is the highest-rated network in cable news. Yeah, I can’t believe your table’s pushed off that far. And it’s all thanks to their key demographic, the corpses of old people who tuned into Fox News and haven’t yet been discovered. Former “Inside Edition” host Bill O’Reilly is not here. He did host that. Bill’s got another book coming out soon, so he’s making his ghost writers work around the clock. Bill O’Reilly, Megyn Kelly and Sean Hannity are the Mount Rushmore of keeping old people angry.
This event brings together both Washington and Hollywood. The relationship between Washington and Hollywood has been a long and fruitful one. You give us tax credits for film and television production. And in return, we bring much-needed jobs to hard-working American cities, like Vancouver. Toronto. And Vancouver again.
Hollywood helps America by projecting a heroic image to the rest of the world. We have just released another movie about Captain America. Or as he’s known in China, Captain who owes us $1.1 trillion.
There’s a lot of celebrities here tonight; they’re the ones that don’t look like ghouls. Look around. The cast of “Veep” is here. That’s the series about what would happen if a “Seinfeld” star actually landed on another good show. I like “New Adventures of Old Christine,” I swear.
The folks from “Duck Dynasty” had a very challenging year. The grandfather on that show made homophobic and racist comments. But people are overlooking another issue. He really hates ducks.
“House of Cards” has had a huge impact on Washington. What a great show. I haven’t seen a Southern senator give a tour de force performance like that since Lindsey Graham played Blanche DuBois in “A Streetcar Named Desire.” And Lindsey, if you’re here now, you can drop character any time, man.
And I am not going to spoil that shocking twist on “House of Cards.” But just know that it was so surprising, Nancy Pelosi’s face almost changed expression. Did you like that one, Nancy? I can’t tell.
I would like to congratulate Jared Leto, who was here tonight, on his Oscar. And to the Republican senator who asked to be introduced to, quote, “That hot chick from ‘Dallas Buyers Club’” – you are in for a very interesting evening.
Richard Sherman has already had an impact on tonight’s event. He’s intercepted all three of Tim Tebow’s attempts to pass the dinner rolls. Oh, and Russell Wilson is also here from my Super Bowl champion Seattle Seahawks. Peyton Manning, he wanted to be here tonight, but he can only move four yards at a time. You’re right, he’s not here to defend himself.
Legendary actor Robert De Niro is here tonight, everyone. Now, I don’t do a De Niro impression, but I do an impression of Robert De Niro’s agent. Ready? Here it is. “Ring ring – he’ll do it!” Mr. De Niro, I was in “Spy Kids 4” so clearly I am beyond reproach. So I will see you on the set of “Spy Kids 5,” I’m sure.
Biz Stone, the founder of Twitter, is here. So if any of you congressmen want to cut out the middleman, just show him your penis. Not now! You nuts?
Okay, those are my warm-up jokes. I am kidding. I’m kidding. I want to leave you tonight with a bit of a pep talk. America has seen her share of challenges, but as my agents told me when I booked an NBC sitcom, “Hey, things could be worse.” Now have you watched the news? Not CNN, I mean, like, the real news. It’s pretty bad in other places. By comparison, America is doing great. I mean, this year, after months of heated debate and controversy, we achieved something that will impact the health of millions: We brought back Twinkies. And we’re no longer the fattest country in the world; now, Mexico is. But don’t worry, we’ll be number one again as soon as they all come over here.
And what’s our biggest concern as Americans? TV show spoilers. In other countries, a spoiler consists of, “Hey, I haven’t been back to the village yet, so don’t tell me who survived the drone strike. No spoilers!” Sorry about that one.
America still has amazing technological innovations. Google Glass has hit the market. Now, just by walking down the street, we’ll know exactly who to punch in the face. In America, we see gluten and peanuts as threats to our kids. In other countries, gluten and peanuts are the nicknames of warlords who have child armies, so we’re better.
America is doing just fine, guys. How do I know that? Because we are making a fourth movie about trucks that turn into giant robots. And why are they making a “Transformers 4”? Because there is still so much story left to tell. So chin up everyone, this country is still number one in the all-important categories of cream-filled pastries, face computers and robot trucks. Education, the economy and the environment? Hey, we’ll get them next time.
And here’s why America is the best country in the world: A guy like me can stand before the president, the press and Patrick Duffy, and tell jokes without severe repercussions. And instead of being shipped off to a gulag, I am going to the Vanity Fair after-party. That’s right, this is America, where everyone can be a Pussy Riot.
This is one of the coolest things that has ever happened to me ever in my entire life. Thank you, Mr. President; thank you, Mrs. Obama; thank you, White House Correspondents’ Dinner; and thank you, C-SPAN viewer. Good night, everybody. Thank you.