The Empress is spending a week touring her dominions — really! I’m visiting San Francisco and will be getting together for dinner with a half-dozen Bay Area Losers, none of whom yet know one another personally — and so she’s giving you a week off as well. (If you end up in San Francisco, too, give me a holler.) And so we’re going to tinker with the schedul
e for a few weeks until everything gets back to normal at the end of July: As we mentioned in last week’s Invite, next week we’ll be running more of the ScrabbleGrams-inspired neologisms from Week 1021. Then the results of Weeks 1023 and 1024 will run a week later than advertised: on June 30 and July 7, respectively (online, June 27 and July 4).
Still running — deadline Monday night — is the Week 1025 contest, in which we’re seeking original backronyms: words that you pretend are acronyms and say what appropriate phrase the word’s letters “stand for.” See bit.ly/invite1025.
This week’s honorable-mentions subhead is by Danielle Nowlin; the alternative headline in the “Next week’s results” line is by Tom Witte.
our perennial contest in which we supply a list of random objects and ask you to tell us how any two of them are alike or different: Funny but suggested too often was for the overactive bladder and the house-size sinkhole: Having the former makes you want the latter. One reason the Empress loves this contest is that she knows the jokes couldn’t have been used somewhere before.
The difference between a 23-year-old Geo Prizm and a vacation in Pyongyang: If you find yourself with a 23-year-old Geo Prizm, you chose the wrong career. If you find yourself on a vacation in Pyongyang, you chose the wrong Korea. (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)
2. Winner of the giant whoopee cushion (one of this week’s categories):
The National Zucchini Fair vs. the Rolling Stones: One is a celebration of phallic vegetables. The other is a gardening event. (Ellen Ryan, Rockville, Md.)
3. A 23-year-old Geo Prizm vs. a giant whoopee cushion: They’re both old jokes, but the gas goes into the Prizm. (Dan O’Day, Alexandria, Va.)
4. The Rolling Stones vs. a vacation in Pyongyang: In the latter, you can’t ever get what you want. (Andy Bassett, New Plymouth, New Zealand)
A solar-powered butter churn vs. a 23-year-old Geo Prizm: The Amish would consider the churn too modern. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park, Md.)
A solar-powered butter churn vs. a 23-year-old Geo Prizm: While both have about the same horsepower, the butter churn is more of a chick magnet. (Michael Greene, Alexandria, Va.)
A solar-powered butter churn and a rash in the shape of Lake Huron: Both require lots of cream, and neither one is going to make your rear-end look attractive. (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)
A solar-powered butter churn is not like a vacation in Pyongyang, but you had better bring one along if you want butter. (Ken Gallant, Conway, Ark.)
A vacation in Pyongyang and a solar-powered butter churn are different because you can take that vacation in Pyongyang and shove it where the sun don’t shine. (Frances Hirai-Clark, Columbia, Md.)
A vacation in Pyongyang vs. the Rolling Stones: One reeks of the powerful odor of fermented cabbage, while the other features great kimchi. (Stephen Dudzik, on vacation in Vietnam)
A rash in the shape of Lake Huron vs. an overactive bladder: The rash is a reminder of Huron of the Great Lakes; the bladder is a reminder of Urine of the Great Leaks. (Steve Dantzler, Gaithersburg, Md.)
A rash in the shape of Lake Huron vs. an overactive bladder: One is going to itch, and the other is itching to go. (Doug Hamilton, College Park, Md.)
A Ferrari Gran Turismo vs. a 23-year-old Geo Prizm: The Ferrari measures zero to 60 in seconds. (Art Grinath)
A 23-year-old Geo Prizm vs. an overactive bladder: While both are huge social embarrassments, the overactive bladder is more likely to start up each time you sit down. (Rob Huffman, Fredericksburg, Va.)
A 23-year-old Geo Prizm and the Dowager Countess: Both probably have leaky undercarriages. (Bird Waring, Larchmont, N.Y.)
A 23-year-old Geo Prizm vs. an overactive bladder: With either one, you’ll be pulling over at every rest stop. (Mark Richardson, Washington)
A Ferrari Gran Turismo vs. a house-size sinkhole: It’s easier to climb out of a house-size sinkhole. (John Kupiec, Fairfax, Va.)
A Ferrari Gran Turismo and a 23-year-old Geo Prizm: Both have the same top speed — on the Beltway during rush hour: 14 mph. (Barry Koch, Catlett, Va.)
A Ferrari Gran Turismo is auto-erotic; a 23-year-old Geo Prizm is auto-neurotic. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
Michelle’s bangs and the Rolling Stones: Both are chemically relaxed. (Tim Morrison, Rockville, Md., a First Offender)
Michelle’s bangs vs. an overactive bladder: One is the result of two hours in the salon and the other is the result of two hours in the saloon. (Ralph Nitkin, Rockville, Md.)
Michelle’s bangs and the National Zucchini Fair: They’re both great names for porn flicks. (Steve Dantzler)
Michelle’s bangs and a vacation in Pyongyang: Each is a distraction from what’s really important — the arms. (Ward Kay, Vienna, Va.)
Grumpy cat vs. an overactive bladder: From the cat, you expect lots of hissing. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)
A giant whoopee cushion vs. a vacation in Pyongyang: One is perfectly suited to fat keisters, the other to cat feasters. (Mike Gips)
A house-size sinkhole and the new “Great Gatsby”: Both made a giant sucking sound. (Sheila Ratcliffe, Alexandria, Va., a First Offender)
A house-size sinkhole and the Rolling Stones: Both have swallowed just about everything. (Rick Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla.)
A house-size sinkhole vs. an overactive bladder: Both are found all over Florida. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)
The Dowager Countess learned what a weekend is; a giant whoopee cushion learned what a weak end is. (Steve Price, New York)
The Dowager Countess vs. a 23-year-old Geo Prizm: It’s been a long time since either one was listed in the Blue Book. (Frank Osen)
The Dowager Countess vs. the Rolling Stones: The countess gets all the best lines. Well, so do the Stones, but they snort theirs away. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf, Md.)
The new “Great Gatsby” and an overactive bladder: Both make it nearly impossible to sit for two hours straight. (Mike Gips)
The new “Great Gatsby” and eggplant parmigiana: Both are a lot of work to produce, but the former is cheesier. (Ellen Ryan)
The new “Great Gatsby”: It’s set on Long Island Sound. A giant whoopee cushion: Get set for a long violent sound. (Beverley Sharp)
The Rolling Stones vs. an overactive bladder: The first are famed for “little yellow pills,” the other for little yellow spills. (Kristen Rowe, Silver Spring, Md., a First Offender)
The Rolling Stones vs. cicadas: Because of climate change, you can’t be absolutely sure that the cicadas will show up again 17 years from now. (Andrew Hatziyannis, Rockville, Md., a First Offender)
The Rolling Stones vs. a giant whoopee cushion: One sings “Under My Thumb,” while the other sings under my bum. (Diane Wah, Seattle)
The Rolling Stones vs. a 23-year old Geo Prizm: One rocks and rolls, while the other won’t roll even if you rock it. (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.)
Cicadas vs. the Rolling Stones: While both create lots of buzz wherever they appear, neither will ever have the far-reaching impact of the beetles. (Jeffrey Fenster, Rockville, Md., a First Offender)
Cicadas vs. eggplant parmigiana: Nobody I know cooks cicadas with tomato sauce and cheese. For cryin’ out loud, that’d be like serving cicadas with red wine instead of white! (Debbie Wagner, Brookeville, Md.)
See the Empress’s online column The Style Conversational (posted late Thursday afternoon), in which she discusses today’s new contest and results along with news about the Loser Community — and you can vote for your favorite among the inking entries, since you no doubt figured the Empress chose the wrong winner.. And on Facebook, join the far more lively group Style Invitational Devotees and chime in there.
Next week’s results: Nice Set of Racks, or Jumble Fever, more honorable mentions from out Week 1021 contest, to make new words from any of the seven-letter ScrabbleGrams “tile sets” we supplied. The first set of results is here.