If you missed the many, many confusing speeches at the Democratic and Republican national conventions, don’t worry. We’ve fed the transcripts into a robot that synthesizes and streamlines the partisan political sentiments of the past 10 days. Here is the resulting amalgamated speech, the keynote of keynotes.
Hello, America! Thank you! Thank you! Yes, these are hard times, but this is America, and Americans are American, and America rises up on the strong backs of American Americans. We still have work to do, and we’ve never been better. We’re always getting better, and we’re the best we’ve been because the time is now, just like it was four years ago. Four more years!
Or maybe four fewer years, because, as you know, times are tough, and getting tougher under this president, who isn’t working. This is the most important election of our lifetime, because the stakes have never been higher and because we are a deeply narcissistic generation — not in a bad way, but in an American way, in a way that helps us focus on our us-ness, which unites us.
Folks, look. I’ve seen the real America and the real Americans that literally live in it. There’s Donna, the single mother I met at a diner on Main Street in Americatown, Indiana, far away from those hard-working cheaters on Wall Street. Donna was recently laid off from her strong middle-class job canning artichoke hearts — a job that put seven of her 12 sons through public schools, with its public teachers, who are America’s greatest asset, but only individually, not collectively. When the artichoke-canning plant closed at the height of the Great Recession that the president inherited/perpetuated, Donna found herself unable to pay her bills. She shook my hand and said, “What happened to my American dream?”
It didn’t go away, so where is it?
It’s in each and every one of us, and it’s also all around us, and it’s what my grandfather was searching for when he journeyed from Europe to America in a steamship. He dreamed of the American dream as he mined coal with his thick, strong hands — hands that were attached to his arms, which were attached to his torso, which housed his heart, which beat with the blood of America, which is type A+, because America excels. He made enough money to start his own small business and thrive in the middle class, because the American dream is found somewhere small and in the middle, like a gallstone.
That dream will never die, like General Motors and unlike Osama bin Laden, because we will chase dreams and terrorists to the ends of the Earth, and bring everything to justice, because justice is a place. God wants it this way because God loves America, which is a land for all people, including Muslims, but not the crazy kind, because the crazy kind hates our freedom, and freedom must be protected for future generations, who will have their own most-important elections of their lifetimes, because freedom is always hanging in the balance, because America is always on the cutting edge, because all our children are budding Thomas Edisons and Steve Jobs, and jobs are priority No. 1.
Folks, look. Folks, look. Folks! Look! Barack Obama is the second coming of Jesus Christ but he doesn’t fully understand America, and Mitt Romney knows how to turn a business around but he has elevators for his cars. But they are both good men. Family men. I know them, personally, intimately. Vote for them.
Creating jobs and having jobs is the American way, and we’re going to cut taxes as much and as little as we can, because we’re all in this together, separately. Let us collectively celebrate the individual, but not the individual mandate, because government shouldn’t tell us what to do, particularly women. It should tell us whom we can and can’t love — but only when we file our taxes, which we should pay in order to build roads, because how else are we going to drive between small businesses that none of us built?
Folks, look. America is perfect, and getting better. We must fight to reclaim our standing in the world, which has always been and always will be No. 1. We must restore our future by moving forward while looking backward. It will look as if we’re standing still, but we’ll really be moving farther inward, into ourselves, into our us-ness.
We Americans are good at feeling the spirit of America. We Americans are good at spelling, especially when we are spelling an acronym. So will you join me in doing what we Americans do best? Will you join me in this chant?
U-S-A. U-S-A. U-S-A.
There you go. You got it. U-S-A.
This is why you need to vote.
This is why we need to re-elect and defeat Barack Obama!
God bless you, and God bless the many states of these United States of America!