Oh, to have been in the next room when Herman Cain arrived home Friday to talk with his wife, Gloria, about what he called a longtime “friendship” with Ginger White, the Atlanta woman who claims the two had a 13-year affair.
“He should come with security,” said Queen Aishah of Bowie, who performs at the Riot Act Comedy Theater in the District. “He should wear a helmet, and he should not speak because he’s said too much already.”
Of course, we may never know what transpired. But comedians such as Aishah spouted a series of one-liners when asked to advise the Republican presidential candidate on what to say or, better yet, what to do.
New York comedian Steve Hofstetter suggests that Cain think fast — faster than he has when confronted with questions about foreign policy: “Don’t pause as long as you did when they asked you about Libya.”
“He should do a Kobe Bryant — no less than four carats!” advised Sheryl Underwood, a host on CBS’s “The Talk,” referring to the Los Angeles Lakers basketball star, who presented his wife with a $4 million diamond ring days after he was charged with sexually assaulting an employee at a Colorado resort. Bryant said the two had consensual sex; the prosecutors dismissed the charge.
Cain’s campaign, already shaky after several women accused him of sexual harassment when he headed the National Restaurant Association in the 1990s, has been reeling since early this week, when White dished to an Atlanta TV station about the alleged affair. White, a struggling businesswoman, said Cain flew her around the country, buying her lavish meals and putting her up in luxury hotels. Although he has steadfastly denied a sexual relationship, the wealthy former chief executive of Godfather’s Pizza has acknowledged giving White money to help pay her bills.
Cain said that his wife did not know about the relationship until it exploded in the news and that he planned to talk with her about it Friday.
Tom Joyner, the popular syndicated radio personality, asked his listeners Friday morning to suggest the first thing Cain should say to his wife when he arrived at their suburban Atlanta home to have that talk.
“Don’t shoot!” was one of Joyner’s favorites. Also: “Why are my bags packed?”
Because Cain acknowledged some involvement with White, he couldn’t use the infamous response from an Eddie Murphy comedy routine in which a cheating husband says to his wife when she catches him in the act: “It wasn’t me.”
So, he’d have to prepare himself for a very delicate conversation.
“Before he goes to his wife to confess or whatever, he should think WWTD: ‘What would Tiger do?’ ” says Tim Loulies, who goes by the name “The Big 44” and performs at the Funny Bone in Virginia Beach.
Then, perhaps, actions should speak louder than words.
“He needs to not talk,” Underwood said. “He needs to walk in with his arms full — jewelry, money, flowers, everything! His wife should say, ‘How much pizza money you got left?’ ” And, she suggested, maybe Gloria Cain should get herself a “friend,” too, “maybe one of J. Lo’s dancers.”
So, what’s the Cain camp’s response to all this? “It’s a private meeting,” campaign spokesman J.D. Gordon told The Post, declining further comment.
Cain, once a front-runner, has dropped in the polls since White’s allegation. He is meeting with his top advisers and donors Saturday and may say then whether he is staying in the race.
Hofstetter, who is scheduled to perform at the Riot Act theater next spring, suggested that to save his flailing candidacy, Cain should follow in the steps of the man who is surging to the top of the GOP pack.
“Admit you are cheating on her and cheat on her again,” Hofstetter said. “It seemed to work fine for Newt Gingrich.”