You might be too much of a cat person if . . .
You might be spending too much time at work if . . .
You might need to do some shopping if . . .
You might want to cut back on the coffee if . . .
You might be humor-impaired if . . .
For the past few months, the Empress has been posting a Style Invitational Ink of the Day on Facebook — either a single classic entry as a graphic meme, such as this one,e one pictured here, or as a mini-list of a few entries from one contest. Recently she shared some entries from Week 752, which sought jokes in five categories of the venerated “you just might” form (“You just might need a new car soon if every 3,000 miles, you change the duct tape” — Chuck Smith), and decided that she just might want to mine this lode again. This week: Give us a joke using any of the templates above (you also have the option of using the form “If ... you might ...” if your joke seems to work better that way).
Winner gets the Inkin’ Memorial, the Lincoln-statue bobblehead that is the official Style Invitational trophy. Second place receives the distinguished noodly headwear donated by and modeled here by 225-time Loser Dave Prevar. Because Dave was concerned about appearing too conservatively dressed at the Losers’ Flushies awards last month, he also donned a Loser T-shirt, which for many years was awarded to Invite runners-up.
Other runners-up win their choice of a yearned-for Loser Mug or the ardently desired Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First Offenders receive a smelly, tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for their first ink). E-mail entries to email@example.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is Monday, July 1; results published July 21 (online July 18). No more than 25 entries per entrant per week. Include “Week 1026” in your e-mail subject line or it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at wapo.st/inviterules. This week’s honorable-mentions line is by Beverley Sharp. Join the lively Style Invitational Devotees group on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev.
in which we presented 100 “tile sets” of seven letters each from the ScrabbleGrams feature that appears daily in The Post, and asked you to come up with your own terms (all the tile sets were designed to generate only six-letter words). We got so many neologisms for this contest that we’re running them over two weeks. (See the first group in the June 9 Sunday Style section or online at bit.ly/invite1025.)
AUETCPN: Capenut:One of those weirdos who go to superhero movies in costume. (Ellen Ryan, Rockville, Md.)
●Pacenut: The driver who just has to stay ahead of everybody else on the Beltway. (Michael Jacobs, Columbia, Md.)
● Puce-tan:Still an improvement over drugstore bronzer. (Daniela Ganelin, Rockville, Md., a First Offender)
OIYLZTG: Yoglitz: The extra junk that turns a healthy snack into a diabetic overload. (Hugh Pullen, Vienna, Va.)
EEITDCP: Peedict: “Kids, you will use the bathroom before we all get in the car.” (Mark Richardson, Washington)
●Deceipt: Supporting material normally included when filing an expense form. (John Glenn, Tyler, Tex.)
AAIOSRV: IRS-ova: The jumbo-size eggs the agency is laying this year. (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.)
AALTSMP: Malt-pas: At the whiskey tasting, drinking right from the bottle. (Robert Schechter, Dix Hills, N.Y.)
AAOYBLP: Polybaa: Synthetic wool. (Charley Noel, Lake Frederick, Va., a First Offender)
AAYTHSS: Asshay: To walk in a very provocative manner. (Dan O’Day, Alexandria, Va.)
● Assathy: Common trait of an uncaring jerk. (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)
AEEUSRF: Surfee: The person you just spent two hours Googling. (Michael Jacobs)
●Seafru: A line of transparent swimwear. (Nancy Israel, Bethesda, Md.)
AEIOGWT: Egowait: The time spent on the couch while your boss finishes playing solitaire. (Rick Haynes, Boynton Beach, Fla.)
●Ewtoga: What a Roman is wearing when he wakes up on the floor the morning after the bacchanal. (Denise Sudell, Cheverly, Md.)
AEIURPB: AirBeUp: Half of the pilot’s mnemonic, followed by GroundBeDown. (Edmund Conti, Raleigh)
●Beaur: A plain swain! A ho-hum him! A lame flame! Really, he’s just valentiresome. (Tom Witte, Montgomery Village, Md.)
AEOOHLM: Hamoo: Hybrid lunch meat. (Joy Sibley, Fairfax, Va.)
●Mohelo: Hawaiian for “thank you for circumcising my son.” (Stephen Dudzik, Olney, Md.)
●Hamoleo: Lard. (Jeff Contompasis)
AEOVFRL: Rovelaf: Mwahh-hahh-hahh. (Seth Tucker, Washington)
AAEUTNP: PeaTuna: A flower with a flagrant aroma. (John Kustka, Prince Frederick, Md.)
●Putane: Gas given off by Your Mama. (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.)
AEUZNRB: Unzebra: An equine with black-and-black stripes. (Edward Gordon, Austin)
AIDLMSD: LSDmaid: Lucy. (Steve Dantzler, Gaithersburg, Md.)
●Madlims: There once was a man from ____ (place name) / Who liked to __ (two-syllable verb) in a _____ (noun that rhymes with place name) . . . (Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)
AILNBRT: Bra-lint: Victoria’s less interesting secret. (Hugh Pullen)
●Bran-lit: The selection of reading material you keep handy when your high-fiber cereal kicks in. (Jeff Shirley, Richmond)
●Brat-nil: They dispensed with euphemisms for this new brand of contraceptive. (Lee Giesecke, Annandale, Va.)
●Latrin: The speech of vulgar Romans. (Dixon Wragg)
AIOADRF: Afradio: The Fearmongers FM network. (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)
●Afraido: A fettuccine dish made with . . . you don’t want to know. (Larry Gray, Union Bridge, Md.)
● Fairdo: Your coiffure on a middling-hair day. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)
AIOCFGS: Go-fisc: What the Fed does when the money supply runs out (Michael Jacobs)
AIUKQSW: Quiksaw: Old nickname for a guy now called Lefty. (Roger Dalrymple, Gettysburg, Pa.)
AIYNHLM: Hymnil: Uplifting songbook for atheists. (Mark Raffman, Reston)
● Hamily: Grandpa’s long speech before Easter dinner. (Michael Jacobs)
AIOYFDM: Fido-yam: A euphemism for dog doo. (Jim Lubell, Portland, Ore.)
AOLDPRL: Lardpol: A practitioner of extreme pork-barrel politics. “Not content just to apologize, that lardpol had the new sex addiction rehab center named after himself.” (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)
AYWKSON: Knowsy: Describing someone who often succeeds in learning what’s none of his business. (Robert Schechter)
● Nyawkos: The Greek guy who owns the cawfee shop on the cawner of 59th & Sixth. (Nan Reiner)
● Yanksow: Chinese pulled pork. (Dixon Wragg)
EAKLNHS: Sneakh: A duplicitious Middle Eastern oil baron. (Mark Raffman)
●Shankle: A leg-worn monitoring device. Lindsay Lohan has a rhinestone-bedecked shankle. (Jason Russo, Annandale, Va.)
●Ken-lash: The most popular accessory for Dominatrix Barbie. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.; Frank Osen)
EEUOGRB: Rogue-B: Letter that sneaked its way into “doubt,” “subtle” and “plumber.” (Rachel A. Bernhardt, Silver Spring, Md.)●EEOGrub: A cafeteria where everyone, regardless of race, gender or religion, gets the mystery meat. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel, Md.)
EEYRSWN: Newsery: Where cub reporters are raised. (Dave Zarrow, Reston, Va; Mike Gips)
AAELRBR, EUITSNH and EUUGHMB: Gluteal-reduction firm (Rearlab) that makes an ablution product (Tushine) for a prototypical American customer (with a hugebum). (Mike Gips)
Since the Empress took a week to survey her West Coast dominions, there won’t be a Style Conversational column this week. She and the Royal Consort visited San Francisco, were they were scheduled to have dinner with seven Bay Area Losers, none of whom knew one another outside the Invitational and the Style Invitational Devotees Facebook page, and visited another in Santa Cruz. Next week’s Conversational should have all the juicy details.
Next week’s results: T-minus 5-7-5, or Poetry in Martian, our Week 1023 contest to write funny haiku to take on the Mars exploration craft.