As many of you have probably experienced for yourselves by now, “Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice” is not a good movie. And while I tried to reckon with it in a sane, rational fashion on Friday, it’s not really a movie that holds up to that kind of analysis. Instead, a straight transcription of my notes from last Tuesday’s press screening is a much better way to illustrate the way “Batman v Superman” descends into a maddening mess. These notes have been lightly edited for clarity and to elide the cussing that became more and more prominent as the movie progressed.
Martha Wayne’s strand of pearls catching on the gun, the trigger goes off.
Oh, no. Bruce literally gets picked up by the bats and flown to safety? That is . . . a choice, I guess. Or not, since it’s a dream.
Bruce, seeing the World Engine at work.
HOW HAVE THESE PEOPLE NOT ALREADY EVACUATED THAT BUILDING?
That ship just slicing through buildings — a great alien image.
Bruce is the guy who runs towards a collapsing building.
A horse coming through the dust, a disoriented man.
That look in Bruce’s eyes, tho . . .
Cut to the Indian Ocean, and did those boys bring up Kryptonite from the water?
“I’m not a lady. I’m a journalist.” -Lois Lane
Senator Finch is holding a hearing about one of Superman’s appearances.
“The world has been so caught up with what Superman can do that we’ve forgotten to ask what he should do.” -Senator Finch
Why is her bathtub in her foyer? What does Clark not know about the hearings? Why is he getting into the tub fully clothed?
Need to ask [my husband] why he doesn’t cook me eggs shirtless while wearing sweatpants.
That is a creepy monument. How did it get built in 18 months?
Why is the photo editor fielding Lois’s calls?
Perry White’s headlines are terrible.
The clothes in this movie are very good.
Ahh, so Bruce Wayne has gone to a Fight Club to meet Bronn?*
“Why aren’t we covering this? Poor people don’t buy papers?” Clark “Nobody buys papers.” Perry. But they seem to have lots of resources for Lois’s jaunts.
Bruce Wayne does not strike me as a wildflower kind of guy. Bruce does not seem terribly mentally healthy.
Of course Superman watches PBS.
Perry White is a very bad editor.
That is not a good dress, and this is not up to the Selina Kyle-Bruce banter. Nice lighting-bolt earrings though.
This is very “Mad Max: Batman Road.” This has to be another dream.
This would be a much more interesting movie if it was about Batman becoming progressively mentally ill.
Hearings don’t happen at the Capitol!!!!
Gotta have that loving shot of Batman’s sweaty abs.
So Lex just . . . has a file on Wonder Woman?
That was a very careful shot to avoid showing us Zod’s junk.
Why is Pa Kent building cairns on a mountain? Oh, because it was an imaginary conversation.
Of COURSE Nancy Grace is on the case.
Now Bronn is polishing floors and Lois is being an idiot. Lois, did you forget that you’re bait?
Yes, a good use of the Daily Planet budget is a chopper to Gotham for Lois Lane’s personal life.
Maybe lead with “Lex Luthor is manipulating us and he’s going to kill my mother”????
Bruce Wayne’s thick-soled boots are very nineties.
Yes, this is going to hinge on Martha Wayne and Martha Kent having the same first name. [At this point, my husband leaned over to me and whispered “Dorothy Mantooth is a saint!" and I lost it, along with half the theater, which was laughing at the movie itself.]
So Bruce just left that stupid spear there?
Oh, God, who f—— cares about another monster. Guess that monsters don’t have genitals.
And now we’re in King Kong. Please let Beauty kill this Beast.
That joy on Diana’s face is very effective.
That edition of the Daily Planet looks awfully fake.
Clark had planned to propose to Lois. At least the ring is a suitably classy diamond solitaire.
*Note: The actor who plays this particular Lex Luthor henchman is not actually Jerome Flynn, who plays the mercenary Bronn in “Game of Thrones,” though he looks a lot like him. Which is a shame, because Flynn might have livened up that role nicely.