“Welcome to the [expletive]-show!” said host Kathy Griffin at the beginning of the evening, perfectly summing up the 2014 Daytime Emmy Awards.

Where to even begin? The Daytime Emmy Awards were already a questionable endeavor this year, given that the Academy couldn’t work out a deal in time for the telecast to air on a real TV network — therefore relegating the award ceremony to an online-only live stream for the first time in history.

We’ll cut to the chase: The entire thing was a top-to-bottom train wreck. From the horrifying red carpet show (which enlisted four “social media experts” to badger the stars about nothing remotely related to daytime TV) to lots of awkward pauses, empty teleprompters, colorful expletives and sexual innuendos during the actual ceremony, it was a complete hot mess.

It looked like a pretty no-frills affair: Just people presenting awards for 25 categories honoring daytime talk shows, entertainment news shows and soap operas, followed by acceptance speeches. Though that’s a recipe for snoozeville, so we’ll give the producers credit for something: The show was anything but boring. How could it be, with Sharon Osbourne talking about oral sex; “General Hospital” star Kelly Monaco offering to flash the audience; and host Kathy Griffin storming on stage during “The Young and the Restless” producer’s speech for winning Outstanding Drama Series and screaming “Wrap it up, lady!”

If you really want to know who won, you can check out the full list of winners and nominees below. But let’s get to the good stuff: The most cringe-worthy moments from an evening that honestly felt like a fever dream.

* The red carpet disaster. Apparently trying to reach a younger crowd that might actually watch the show online (unlike, say, the older viewers that frequent daytime TV viewership and therefore probably missed this whole thing), the TV Academy hired a group of wildly unprofessional young social media experts to host the red carpet show: Brittany Furlan, Lauren Elizabeth, Meghan Rosette and Jessica Harlow. They evidently knew absolutely nothing about soap operas or the people they were interviewing. Below is a video of a typical moment, in which Furlan and Elizabeth talk to Maura West (“General Hospital”) and Tyler Christopher (“General Hospital.”) Notice the complete lack of knowledge — Furlan seems to think they are a real-life couple — and confused/vaguely terrified expressions by the actors. Most of the interviews went pretty much like that. People on Twitter noticed.

Aside from making all of their interview subjects very uncomfortable, they asked extremely inappropriate questions. TVLine.com has a thorough rundown, which includes one host calling Lawrence Saint-Victor (“The Bold and the Beautiful”) “a beautiful chocolate man” and asking him what it’s like being black on a soap opera. And the remark that sent most people on Twitter into a frenzy, Furlan apparently told Ryan Paevey of “General Hospital,” “We’re going to get you away from us before we rape you.”

Yeah. The hosts wrapped it all up by running at full speed through the red carpet and into the venue, apologizing for any wardrobe malfunctions that may have occurred.

* Host Kathy Griffin. Clearly, the TV Academy wanted a buzzworthy host for their livestream-only show, and you can’t get much better than filter-less Griffin. Oh, and she delivered. Her entire intro also had nothing to do with daytime TV, and instead went off on an expletive-filled tangent about her experience at the 2013 Daytime Emmys. “This is the hidden gem of the Emmys,” Griffin promised the crowd. “I feel like you guys don’t really know what you’re in for.”

The gist: She attended the show last year and sat at a table with Bethenny Frankel, Kardashian momager Kris Jenner and Dr. Drew. Frankel kept complaining about how she wanted to leave; Griffin warned her at the time she should probably make nice with people there if she wanted to ever get an Emmy for her daytime talk show. (Which wound up being canceled, so it was a good point!) As for Jenner, Griffin was terrified to run into her because “I’ve been calling her daughters [promiscuous] in my act for years.” Another fun fact: The 2013 Daytime Emmys were the day after Kim Kardashian’s baby North West was born, but Jenner left the hospital to attend the show and pose with vodka shots for what seemed to be a side deal with a booze company.

And finally, before being forced to leave the stage, Griffin shared the tale of sitting next to Dr. Drew (“No black tar heroin for me that night”) and watching him run off with TV doctors Oz and Stork to help a young soap starlet in the bathroom who was so drunk she couldn’t even stand. Later, Griffin also told a juicy anecdote about Susan Lucci having Sarah Michelle Gellar fired from “All My Children.” “None of that can be confirmed!” Griffin added, and then cited the first amendment.

There was also a running  joke the whole show about Griffin’s (alleged) one-night stand with “Extra” host Mario Lopez that left her “itching.” So now you know.

* Big name no-shows. Where in the world in Steve Harvey? Chicago! No, Bali! There was conflicted information about Steve Harvey’s whereabouts when he won for both Outstanding Game Host for “Family Feud” and Outstanding Information Talk Show for syndicated “Steve Harvey.” (Couldn’t they just say, “He has better things to do?”) Regardless, whether he was really stuck in Chicago or vacationing in Bali, his producer Rushion McDonald stepped in.

Harvey wasn’t the only one who skipped out: Other winners who bailed include Katie Couric (Best Talk Show Host, “Katie”); Dr. Oz (Best Talk Show Host, “Dr. Oz”); and Ellen DeGeneres (Outstanding Entertainment Talk Show, “The Ellen DeGeneres Show”). When it was announced Couric wasn’t there, people started booing and Kathy Griffin was caught on camera egging everyone on with obscene hand gestures.

In all fairness, Couric got married this weekend and Dr. Oz was just humiliated on Capitol Hill for sham weight-loss products. What’s your excuse, Ellen?!

* Epic “Today” show burn. Because there were no chyrons nor announcing who was coming up on stage, we do not know the man that accepted the Outstanding Morning Show prize for “Good Morning America.” But we did appreciate his slap at rival “Today” because who doesn’t love morning show drama? “I think this is what happens when five anchors on a show actually like each other,” he said, hoisting the trophy in the air. Ouch! He also thanked Sam Champion and Josh Elliott, who have since left the show — a classy touch.

* Linda Bell Blue’s never-ending acceptance speech. The whole show took about one hour and 48 minutes but felt much longer, as winners took forever to navigate their way through a crowded ballroom to get to the stage, and some acceptance speeches went on forever. The most egregious example was “Entertainment Tonight” executive producer Linda Bell Blue, who will sign off the show this fall. Perhaps feeling sentimental, she spent about eternity on stage — accepting for Outstanding Entertainment News Program — until Griffin appeared and literally chased her away from the microphone. Presenter Kelly Monaco noted the “wrap it up” signal appeared on the teleprompter about six times.

* Sharon Osbourne. Impatiently waiting backstage with her “Talk” co-host Sheryl Underwood during Blue’s speech, she was not happy about the lengthy wait time. “FINALLY,” she roared. “So rude!” She also managed the impressive feat of throwing in more expletives in her 30 seconds on stage than Griffin had the whole night.  “It’s not being televised,” Osbourne said of the off-the-rails show. “So just [expletive] get pissed.” (Best part: Audience gave a standing ovation basically saying, “Yes, good point.”)

Osbourne also encouraged everyone to have sex with everyone they work with (though in much more vulgar terms) and started talking about oral sex. “Only Sharon Osborne can give an intro like that,” Underwood observed.

* Everyone acknowledging the hilarity of TMZ being up for an award. Everyone’s favorite gossip site TMZ was up for Outstanding Entertainment News Program (yes, really) for its syndicated show. Presenter Jason Thompson (“General Hospital”) noted some might recognize the show from experiences with the paparazzi, known as “the guys with the t-shirts that wait for you outside Terminal 7 when you just come home from a long flight from New York.” (#famouspeopleproblems)

“I almost want to flash all of you right now,” his co-presenter Kelly Monaco announced. “I think TMZ would appreciate it,” she added, suggestively pretending to remove the straps of her dress. Monaco did not continue, though things somehow managed to get more awkward when the teleprompter just stopped working.

* The ending. Maybe the show was scheduled to end at 9:48 p.m.? Either way, Kathy Griffin charged out while “Young and the Restless” executive producer Jill Farren Phelps was in the middle of her speech accepting the biggest award of the night, Outstanding Drama Series. As Phelps started to talk about pride in the ownership of the show, Griffin marched on stage with a microphone and told her it was time to go. “Oh, for Christ’s sake with your pride of ownerships,” she yelled. “Wrap it up, lady! If you thank your [expletive] dog…”

Phelps was NOT amused. She then started to thank her “[expletive] daughter,” but Griffin harassed her and someone started taking a selfie of the two of them and the music played and everything ended in chaos.

And that was the 2014 Daytime Emmys. “It’s not even a real show, it’s like Twitter, relax,” Griffin said during the broadcast. Very true — but we wonder how the actors and producers, who presumably take this all pretty seriously for their careers, feel about that?

NOMINEES AND WINNERS, in the order they were announced

Outstanding Supporting Actor Drama
Bradford Anderson, “General Hospital’ (Damian)
Steve Burton, “The Young and the Restless” (Dylan)
Scott Clifton, “The Bold and the Beautiful” (Liam)
Eric Martsolf, “Days of Our Lives” (Brady) — winner
Dominic Zamprogna, “General Hospital” (Dante)

Outstanding Supporting Actress Drama
Melissa Claire Egan, “The Young and the Restless” (Chelsea)
Jane Elliot, “General Hospital” (Tracy)
Amelia Heinle, “The Young and the Restless” (Victoria) — winner
Elizabeth Hendrickson, “The Young and the Restless” (Chloe)
Kelly Sullivan, “General Hospital” (Connie)

Outstanding Culinary Series
“A Moveable Feast With Fine Cooking” (PBS)
“Beer Geeks” (Syndicated)
“Bobby Flay’s Barbecue Addiction” (Food Network)
“Giada at Home” (Food Network)
“The Mind of a Chef” (PBS) — winner
“My Grandmother’s Ravioli” (Cooking Channel)

Outstanding Culinary Host
Bobby Flay, “Bobby Flay’s Barbecue Addiction” (Food Network) — winner
Giada De Laurentiis, “Giada at Home” (Food Network)
April Bloomfield and Sean Brock, “The Mind of a Chef” (PBS)
Rachael Ray, “Rachael Ray’s Week in a Day” (Food Network)

Outstanding Legal/Courtroom Show
“Divorce Court” (Syndicated)
“Judge Judy” (Syndicated)
“Justice for All With Christina Perez” (Syndicated)
“The People’s Court” (Syndicated) — winner

Outstanding Game Host
Wayne Brady, “Let’s Make a Deal” (CBS)
Jeff Foxworthy, “The American Bible Challenge” (Game Show Network)
Steve Harvey, “Family Feud” (Syndicated) — winner
Todd Newton, “Family Game Night” (Hub Network)

Outstanding Talk Show Host (tie)
Dr. Mehmet Oz, “The Dr. Oz Show” (Syndicated) — winner
Katie Couric, “Katie” (ABC) — winner
Rachael Ray, “Rachael Ray” (Syndicated)
Julie Chen, Sara Gilbert, Sharon Osbourne, Aisha Tyler, Sheryl Underwood, “The Talk” (CBS)
Whoopi Goldberg, Jenny McCarthy, Sherri Shepherd, Barbara Walters, “The View” (ABC)

Outstanding Drama Series/Writing Team
“The Bold and the Beautiful”
“Days of Our Lives”
“The Young and the Restless” — winner

Outstanding Drama Series/Directing Team
“The Bold and the Beautiful”
“One Life to Live” — winner
“The Young and the Restless”

Outstanding Younger Actress Drama
Kristen Alderson, “General Hospital” (Kiki)
Lindsey Godfrey, “The Bold and the Beautiful” (Caroline)
Hunter King, “The Young and the Restless” (Summer) — winner
Kim Matula, “The Bold and the Beautiful” (Hope)
Kelly Missal, “One Life to Live” (Danielle)

Outstanding Younger Actor Drama
Bryan Craig, “General Hospital” (Morgan)
Chad Duell, “General Hospital” (Michael)
Max Ehrich, “The Young and the Restless” (Fenn)
Chandler Massey, “Days of Our Lives” (Will) — winner
Daniel Polo, “The Young and the Restless” (Jamie)

Outstanding Talk Show/Information
“The Chew” (ABC)
“The Dr. Oz Show” (Syndicated)
“Dr. Phil” (Syndicated)
“Steve Harvey” (Syndicated) — winner

Daytime Talent in Spanish
Carlos Calderón “El Gordo y la Flaca” (Univision)
Alejandra Espinoza”El Gordo y la Flaca” (Univision)
Lili Estefan”El Gordo y la Flaca” (Univision)
Rodner Figueroa “El Gordo y la Flaca (Univision) — winner
Patricia Janiot “Nuestro Mundo”

Outstanding Talk Show/Entertainment
“The Ellen DeGeneres Show” (Syndicated) — winner
“Live! With Kelly and Michael” (Syndicated)
“Rachael Ray” (Syndicated)
“The Talk” (CBS)
“The View” (ABC)

Outstanding Morning Show
“CBS Sunday Morning” (CBS)
“CBS This Morning” (CBS)
“Good Morning America” (ABC) — winner
“Today Show” (NBC)

Outstanding Morning Program in Spanish
“Despierta America” (Univision)
“Un Nuevo Dia” (Telemundo) — winner

Outstanding Game Show
“The American Bible Challenge” (Game Show Network)
“The Chase” (Game Show Network)
“Jeopardy!” (Syndicated) — winner
“Let’s Make a Deal” (CBS)
“The Price Is Right” (CBS)
“Wheel of Fortune” (Syndicated)

Outstanding Special Class Special
“A World of Dreams: Voices From the OUT100″ (Here TV)
“Disney Parks Christmas Day Parade” (ABC)
“mun2 News Special: Hecho en America” (mun2)
“The Young and the Restless: Jeanne Cooper Tribute” (CBS) — winner

Outstanding Entertainment Program in Spanish
“Clix” (CNNE) — winner
“Destinos” (CNNE)
“El Gordo y la Flaca” (Univision)
“Showbiz” (CNNE)

Outstanding Entertainment News Program (tie)
“Access Hollywood” (NBC)
“E! News” (E!)
“Entertainment Tonight” (CBS) — winner
“Extra” (Syndicated) — winner
“TMZ” (Syndicated)

Outstanding Lead Actor Drama
Peter Bergman, “The Young and the Restless” (Jack)
Doug Davidson, “The Young and the Restless” (Paul)
Christian LeBlanc, “The Young and the Restless” (Michael)
Billy Miller, “The Young and the Restless” (Billy) — winner
Jason Thompson, “General Hospital” (Patrick)

Outstanding Lead Actress Drama
Eileen Davidson, “Days of Our Lives” (Kristin) — winner
Katherine Kelly Lang, “The Bold and the Beautiful” (Brooke)
Heather Tom, “The Bold and the Beautiful” (Katie)
Arianne Zucker, “Days of Our Lives” (Nicole)

Outstanding Drama Series: New Approaches
“DeVanity” (www.devanity.com)
“Tainted Dreams” (YouTube.com)
“The Power Inside” (YouTube.com)
“Venice the Series” (www.venicetheseries.com) — winner

Outstanding Drama Series
“The Bold and the Beautiful” (CBS)
“Days of Our Lives” (NBC)
“One Life to Live” (TOLN.com)
“The Young and the Restless” (CBS) — winner

(This post has been updated.)