cover_20141103_toc (National Review)

National Review hates Lena Dunham! Boy, does it hate Lena Dunham. But not because it doesn’t like her show, or her new book, or even her artist parents.

National Review hates Lena Dunham because … well, to be completely honest, I’m not actually sure why. But by God, they want you to know they hate Lena Dunham.

The conservative weekly put Dunham on the cover of its Nov. 3 edition, with a very long headline that begins: “Kevin D. Williamson on the Pathetic Privilege of Lena Dunham,” and includes a series of feeling words, plus “Brooklyn” and “Oberlin.”

The accompanying article by Williamson rambles for two-and-a-half pages about how Dunham has been to Brooklyn, goes shopping, wrote a book and also is a disgusting fat woman — not, like, Craig, Colo. fat, but definitely Hollywood fat. She also reportedly has opinions.

The article is behind a paywall. But we have an old-fashioned print copy and are pleased to present a one-off feature, National Review’s “Lena Dunham Is The Worst” Article By The Numbers.

18: Total number of paragraphs in the story. National Review likes very, very long paragraphs.

2: Paragraphs about Dunham’s body.

5: Locations referenced when debating whether Dunham is fat.

1: Photos of Dunham eating cake accompanying the article.

7: Number of paragraphs Williamson uses to describe Dunham’s sex and dating life.

10: Explicit references to Dunham’s, Dunham’s infant sister’s, or Dunham’s mother’s genitals, as part of a three-paragraph section about Dunham’s “sexual abuse” of her sister as supposedly written in her book, “Not That Kind of Girl.”

5: Paragraphs Williamson uses to say that Dunham is a false-rape-accuser.

1: Bizarrely out-of-place references to the “surprising number of anecdotes from Palestinian fundraisers” in Dunham’s book.

6: Appearances of the phrase “voice of a generation” or variations of it (is she or isn’t she?).

1: Paragraphs about Dunham’s shopping habits.

RELATED: Quiz: Is this a line from ‘The Great Gatsby’ or a New York Times profile of Lena Dunham?