America’s faux-conservative, super PAC-forming, “Lord of the Rings”-loving, 11:30 p.m. companion will air his final show this week.

What you (should) already know:

After nine years, “The Colbert Report” will end for good on Thursday.

There is no Colbert without the Colbert, so no one will take Stephen’s place on Comedy Central’s most patriotic stage. Thursday’s show will be the last.

On May 20, David Letterman will host his final appearance on the “Late Show.”

Colbert will take over sometime in August or September, according to the Los Angeles Times. The Colbert of the “Late Show” will not be the deeply conservative political pundit he portrays in his Comedy Central satire, which means Colbert should have about nine months to figure out how “the real Stephen Colbert” will act on CBS.

What to expect this week:

The four remaining episodes will air at 11:30 p.m. Monday through Thursday. Catch up on last week’s guests: President Obama, James Corden, Sarah Koenig and the dragon from “The Hobbit.”

On Monday, Seth Rogen will be on to promote “The Interview”; Tuesday: Kendrick Lamar; Wednesday: former Marine Phil Klay, the author of “Redeployment.” And for the final show, the only listed guest is the grim-reaper character on his show, “Stephen’s colleague and lifelong friend, Grimmy.” As Gawker predicted, perhaps Grimmy will be there to give satire-Stephen a more *final* end.

What you (really) need to know: 

You can win Colbert’s desk or fireplace.

“I’ve measured my garage, and unfortunately, it won’t fit both my car and a working TV studio. So I’m raffling off two of the most beloved parts of my set for charity,” Colbert says on his contest Web site. There, you can make a donation of $10 or more to enter a raffle.

The more you give, the more times your name is entered.

The proceeds are split between two charities: The Yellow Ribbon Fund, a Bethesda charity that assists injured U.S. service members at Walter Reed National Military Medical Center and Fort Belvoir Community Hospital, and DonorsChoose.org, a nonprofit that gives to public school classrooms. (It’s worth noting that 20 percent of your donation goes to Omaze, the for-profit company running the raffle.)

The first-place winner will be shipped Colbert’s signature C-shaped desk. The second-place prize includes Colbert’s “portrait, mantle, tools, fireside chair, rug, hourglass, flag, and TV monitor with virtual fire.”

The deadline is Wednesday night.