“Orange is the New Black” Season 3 (JoJo Whilden/Netflix)

Done with “Orange Is the New Black” Season 3 already? Congratulations! Not sure what to do now? We understand – so let’s relive all the craziness. Here’s a recap of the last half of the third season, including the best quotes, most memorable scenes and some of the craziest things that happened in each episode.

(Read a recap of the first half of Season 3 here.)

Episode 8: Prison food

It’s official: Litchfield food has truly become prison food. With only pre-packaged meals, everything is unfit for human consumption. “That’s too bad. I really liked eating. It was part of my daily routine,” Lorna remarks of the slop that is beef Wellington. That means more inmates claim to be Jewish to request kosher meals, apparently the only meals worth eating.

That leads to some suspicion from the private prison company, MCC, about why Litchfield is ordering so many kosher meals, which cost more than the pre-packaged slop. “How can there be so many Jews in here? Who are the Jews?” Danny demands when he talks to Caputo.

“I know it’s confusing, right?” Caputo asks dryly. “We used to have them wear the Star of David, but we had to stop doing that after World War II. I don’t remember why.” Whoa, Caputo suddenly has a spine! Danny, mistaking prison for high school, asks if Caputo is mad at him about something. Why yes, Caputo is annoyed about the maddening corporate web that makes it impossible to get anything done. Like, for example, adding new books to the library that will help the inmates with their cases. To which Danny gives the most corporate answer ever: “I submitted your request to Tim in HR and Tim says he likes books. So we’re 100 percent behind the idea of a library.”

Turns out that Danny isn’t just an idiot – he’s an idiot who benefits from nepotism, as he got the “director of human activity” job only because his dad is on the prison company board. Unsurprisingly, the board is not impressed with Danny’s requests to improve prison life. In a hilariously incompetent corporate board meeting, the executives shut down all his ideas and make sure he knows they don’t care about the prisoners. Just the profits. “Just because you’re working in a women’s prison doesn’t mean you have to act like a woman,” Danny’s dad tells him, so he seems like a pretty nice guy.

Speaking of profits, Piper’s gross business plan (sell underwear worn by inmates to fetishists) is going quite well. She recruits more inmates to wear the Whispers underwear by giving them ramen noodle flavor packets, because that’s the only thing that makes the food remotely edible. It culminates in an inspirational speech with Piper on top of a picnic table imploring the other women to help with the business: “Do you want to be remembered?” she yells as the music swells. Her words are compelling, and more inmates are on board.

Meanwhile, Daya is torn apart by the idea of giving away her baby, although eventually her mother, Aleida, pressures her to do so. Daya calls Pornstache’s mother and agrees that she can raise the baby. Pornstache’s mom is thrilled, saying she thought Daya called her to ask for more money. That’s when Daya realizes that Aleida is only in this for the paycheck, and not only calls the whole adoption off, but tells the truth: Pornstache isn’t the father. Uh oh – John Bennett is long gone, but this still can’t be good.

Flashback: This week takes us more into the sad life of Alex, starting with her mother’s funeral, where practically no one shows up. It also explains Alex’s current paranoid state (assuming new inmate Lolly is out to kill her on Kubra’s orders because she sold him out on the stand). Drug lord Kubra doesn’t mess around – he thinks nothing of dispatching one of his men to shoot Alex’s friend and fellow drug dealer right in front of her. So it makes sense that Alex is terrified, and her fears might be confirmed when we see Lolly carefully tracking all of Alex’s movements in a notebook.

Line of the episode: “I’m but a lowly instrument to the muses.” Suzanne explaining her writing process to her new hit erotica series, “The Time Hump Chronicles.” What started as a disturbing essay for Berdie Roger’s drama class has turned into the Litchfield version of “Twilight” and “50 Shades of Grey” combined. There’s a waiting list and everything. It’s hot but very tragic – and there’s a guy made entirely of Vaseline.

Memorable scene: Well, both memorable and hints of something terrible that will happen for sure, as Pennsatucky has made a new friend – Officer Coates, a new guard who doesn’t know what he’s doing. So when he’s assigned to guard the van, Pennsatucky gives him helpful tips about his job; for example, he might not want to leave an inmate alone in a van with the keys. In return, a grateful Officer Coates buys her doughnuts from his other place of employment, and the two start to become friends. But something doesn’t feel right.

Fun fact: Healy is still a raging misogynist. After he advises the increasingly alienated Brook Soso that depression is all in her head and tells her that she should probably just take drugs because no one likes sad people, counselor Rogers confronts him about his terrible advice. Rogers tells Healy that she should probably take over Brook’s file because she might feel more comfortable talking to a woman, and Healy scoffs: “So it’s a woman thing. It’s always a woman thing.”

Episode 9: Breaking Amish

The tension between Gloria and Sophia boils over: Sophia is furious that Gloria’s son, Benny, has been teaching her son, Michael, all kinds of new curse words. Sophia reaches her breaking point after Michael gets arrested for beating up a random kid. Sophia says that her wife will no longer give Benny a ride to the prison, effectively cutting off Gloria from her son. Gloria is holding a giant knife at the time, and says Sophia better get out before she adds an extra 100 years to her sentence. Later, Sophia finds out that Benny had nothing to do with the fight, but she still won’t back down.


Laverne Cox (JoJo Whilden for Netflix.)

In happier (?) news, the illegal underwear operation at Litchfield is going quite well for Piper, as her brother, Cal, reports that the first shipment sold out almost immediately. Piper is ecstatic, but becomes her typical type-A self when Cal acknowledges that although the Web site has rave reviews, there are a few critical comments about the packaging.  Then Piper becomes her typical obnoxious self when Alex doesn’t really care about the business, and is still worried that Lolly is trying to kill her. Alex is especially freaked out when she finds Lolly’s notebook containing all of her movements.

So Piper does the typical Piper thing and ignores Alex’s issues, and instead decides to get closer to Stella, while complaining about Alex: “She’s been busy. And by busy, I mean psychologically unstable. And by psychologically unstable, I mean annoying.” She and Stella end up making out, which should work out really well down the road.

As far as other dysfunctional relationships, they’ve got nothing on Pennsatucky and the new guard, Officer Coates. He’s flirting and Pennsatucky resists, although eventually he ends up kissing her against a tree when they make one of their traditional pond stops while out with the van. Pennsatucky does not look like she’s enjoying this, but she lets him make out with her neck. This is going to end tragically, right?

Flashback: This is unexpected: Leanne the meth addict is actually from an extremely religious Amish family. Even though she enjoyed her fair share of drugs during Rumspringa, she wound up returning to her parents. Unfortunately, she also left a bag of drugs and her ID in a backpack, so she gets arrested – although the police say she can avoid trouble if she wears a wire to lead them to the real meth dealers. Even more unfortunately, that means she implicates the sons and daughters of the other Amish families who are on Rumspringa and selling drugs. She finds herself shunned, and once she puts her family’s business in jeopardy, she runs away from home.

It gives background to why Leanne is so intent on building a religion around Norma, who some inmates still believe has special magical powers. As they worship Norma, Leanne is horrible to Brook Soso, as she thinks Brook is making a mockery of the group by calling it a “meditation club.” She later apologizes after Norma preaches kindness, but Brook makes an enemy for life when Leanne confesses that she used to be Amish. Brook can’t stop giggling, and even Chang pipes up to make fun of Leanne, calling her Harrison Ford in “Witness.” Leanne storms away.

Line of the episode: “And may I say, I think y’all doing a wonderful job controlling the media. I mean, we, we are doing a wonderful job.” – Lolly trying to convince the prison’s rabbi that she’s Jewish so she can keep getting kosher meals. While Caputo points out that asking about the inmate’s religions is fairly illegal, Danny says it’s a “gray area,” and this is a rabbi who specializes in corporate inquiry. At least it leads to the scene where Cindy, Taystee, Stella and others try to prove how Jewish they really are with the most stereotypical explanations imaginable. “My bat mitzvah was sick.” “You know what I hate? Shrimp.” “I call my mother every day and I love a bargain.” “The Horah and the conga line? The same thing!”

Memorable scene: The reveal that Officer Donaldson (yep, the old, balding guy) is the inspiration behind the protagonist in Suzanne’s erotic novels. The inmates are still in awe by Suzanne’s writing talent as the “Time Hump Chronicles” fan club continues. “What’s Suzanne’s writing process?” the inmates wonder. Suzanne’s reply: “I think of s— and write it down.” Another inmate sighs: “So pure.”

Fun fact: More Judy King – will Litchfield get its Martha Stewart? When the celebrity chef finally speaks, she has a Southern accent. Is she also supposed to be the embattled Paula Deen? Either way, the inmates are psyched when Judy admits on TV that she took part in some financial wrongdoing, so it looks like she’s headed to prison.

Episode 10: Everything is the worst

For a little insight into Pennsatucky’s past, this is how her mother gave her “the talk” as she enters puberty: “Boys are gonna see you different. Pretty soon they’re gonna do you different. Best thing is to go on and let them do their business. If you’re real lucky most of them will be quick like your daddy. It’s like a bee sting, in and out. Over before you knew it was happening.”

Tragically, Pennsatucky takes this advice to heart, as her flashback shows her trading sex for drinks and eventually being raped by a guy at a party. So that makes it all the more awful when we see the fallout of her relationship with Officer Coates, who turns out to be evil. He starts the episode awkwardly apologizing for kissing her, clarifying that even though he’s a feminist, he thinks women are difficult to read sometimes. He confesses that he likes her as more than a friend: “I like talking and hanging out with you – maybe I just wasn’t sure how to express that or something.”

Pennsatucky lets Coates off the hook, saying that he was just being assertive to inmates as she taught him. Later, when Pennsatucky implies that she’ll trade sex for ice cream (because, again, she assumes that’s how it works), Coates appears shocked, saying that he doesn’t need anything from her – he just wants to be her friend. But at the end of the episode, after Coates gets chewed out by Caputo for being late, he turns on her. He grabs Pennsatucky and throws her in the van and rapes her. “This is what you wanted,” he says as she’s motionless, just as she was in the equally horrible flashback scene.

With the theme of “evil guards,” we also get a guest star appearance from none other than Pornstache, still behind bars for getting Daya pregnant. His mother arrives with some “good” news: She found out the baby isn’t his, so that means he can likely get out of prison a lot sooner. But Pornstache has lost his mind, and is fixated on Daya being his soulmate: In fact, he has been writing her every day and sending her short stories and essays about other star-crossed lovers.

In the end, Pornstache’s mom goes back to Daya and says she wants to adopt the baby even if it isn’t her son’s child. Exhausted and endlessly pressured by her mother, Daya agrees. “Take her and give her the best life,” she says, crying.


Piper and Stella (JoJo Whilden/Netflix)

Elsewhere, tension between Sophia and Gloria escalates as Gloria watches Sophia reunite with her wife and son. Furious that they stopped giving Benny a ride, Gloria confronts Sophia in the bathroom, where Sophia pushes her into a wall, accidentally knocking her out.

Piper continues her flirtation with Stella, refusing to feel bad about kissing her. “I’ve done the guilty-whining-tortured-cheating thing,” Piper says. “I’m not interested in sitting around analyzing everything I do.” How kind of her! Alex sees them getting quite close and is furious, snidely referring to Stella as Justin Bieber (in real life, Ruby Rose is constantly compared to the Biebs).

But Alex has enough problems to worry about when Lolly tries to stab her with a piece of glass – all Alex needs to confirm that Kubra has indeed sent someone to kill her. But then she attacks Lolly, who starts crying and panicking not to hurt her. Turns out, Lolly wasn’t sent by Kubra. She’s actually just crazy and thinks the NSA is out to get her and that Alex is part of the NSA, which is why she has been tracking her every move.

Line of the episode: “ONE PERSON HERE IS VERY BOSSY AND I’M VERY ANNOYED BY HER.” – Gina to Leanne, who has completely taken over the Norma worship club, and insists that the inmates start the day by yelling the first thought that comes to mind. This Norma worship has gotten completely out of control, and Caputo punishes them for yelling and disturbing the peace. As they’re scrubbing the floor, Brook (who has been unceremoniously kicked out of the group) has a new outlook. “Maybe I am better than you and I’m not apologizing for it,” she says.

Memorable scene: Suzanne has an admirer – specifically, a girl named Maureen who is a big fan of Suzanne’s erotic fiction. Maureen offers that if Suzanne needs research for her writing, Maureen will be waiting in the broom closet after dinner. Panicked, Suzanne seeks out Lorna for some sex advice because, as she tells Lorna thinking it’s a compliment, “You are a REAL slut.” Lorna is offended, but softens as she tries to calm Suzanne down, telling her that the first time is always awkward and it will be fine. Still, Suzanne balks when it’s actually time to meet Maureen in the broom closet, running away. Maureen is quite upset.

Fun fact: Lorna is still obsessed with Christopher, the man she stalked and tried to kill when he didn’t want to be in a relationship. So much so that she asks her new boyfriend, Vince, to beat him up, saying that he has been sending her inappropriate letters. Poor Christopher.

Oh, and celebrity chef Judy King is sentenced — but doesn’t get sent to Litchfield. Just like in real life, Martha Stewart wasn’t sent to the prison where Piper Kerman (the woman on whom “OITNB” is based) was staying at the time.

Episode 11: Poor Joe Caputo

First things first: Caputo is sleeping with Fig, which is disgusting on so many levels. It’s gross and they both loathe each other, but neither want to stop their affair.

Anyway, corporate’s new idea of hiring inexperienced, untrained guards finally blows up into a major disaster: In this case, it’s the fact that there are two prisoners with the last name “Rice.” One is Sara Rice, an inmate who is supposed to be released. The other is Angie Rice, the meth addict who has years left on her sentence. But because of a glitch in the new system (and guards who don’t know how to compare photos or fingerprints and don’t actually know the inmates), guess who is actually released?


Poussey confronts Suzanne. (Jojo Whilden/Netflix)

Angie is a Norma follower, and the rest of the group chalks it up to a miracle. Caputo loses it when he finds out the wrong woman was released, especially when it’s pretty clear that he’s going to be blamed for it even though it’s MCC’s fault for the company’s ridiculous cost-cutting measures. Even though Angie has already been dropped off at the Utica bus station, he manages to track her down, as she realized that she has $40 and no place to go. In one of those rare scenes that shows Captuo might actually be a good guy, he lets her finish her soda and doesn’t charge her with any extra crimes. In fact, he admits, he probably would have done the same thing.

And guess who’s learning to embrace her evil side? That would be Piper, who has a problem when the inmates who wear the underwear for her business refuse to participate until they start seeing some cash. As Marisol (a.k.a. Flacca) points out, it’s unfair that they’re paid in ramen noodle packets when Piper is raking in the money. They go on strike, but with some help from Red, Piper devises a plan to start paying the inmates. All she needs is a cellphone to complete the deals, which she manages to find during a contraband search (where she finds cigarettes, a lighter and a shiv made of Jolly Ranchers, among other things). She also fires Flacca in front of everyone for being an “instigator” and trying to get more money.

Piper excitedly brags to Alex about her “badass” move firing Flacca, but Alex isn’t impressed. She’s also horrified that Piper is turning her business into an actual crime ring without having a clue about what she’s doing. “That’s gross,” Alex says. “What you did to Flacca was weird. She’s poor – a lot of these girls are poor. Of course they’re excited about money.” She decides that she’s done with the underwear business and Piper, but Piper’s on too much of a power trip to care. “What happened to the scary professional felon I fell in love with?” she asks. Yeah, they appear to be over.

Other trouble brewing: Aleida, still angry that Sophia hurt Gloria, starts spreading rumors that Sophia is dangerous. So the inmates start boycotting Sophia’s salon, which causes her to angrily call everyone out for being a bunch of “stupid transphobic b——.” Later, Leanne, finally fed up with Brook Soso acting like she’s better than everyone, cuts off all her hair while she sleeps.

Flashback: We learn more about Caputo, and it’s sad in its own special way. Back in the day, Joey Caputo was a star high school wrestler with a beautiful girlfriend and a whole life in front of him. Even after he blew out his shoulder, a few years later, he started a band that was about to open for a major act. But then his girlfriend got pregnant – with his fellow band member Hank’s baby, because they slept together while she and Caputo had been broken up. Nonetheless, Caputo decided that he would drop out of the band and help raise the baby, regardless of whether it was his child.

However, things went south as Caputo took a job at the prison and his former band got famous. To make his life even more depressing, his girlfriend decided that she was going to permanently leave him for Hank. Caputo was furious, and said he threw his life away to take care of her. His girlfriend insists that she never asked him to do that. “You keep holding the door open for people and then being angry when they don’t thank you,” she says. “Nobody asked you to hold the door.”

That sums up Caputo’s life: Being a martyr when no one a) asked for the help or b) appreciates it. Finally, he decides he’s going to take matters into his own hands and help unionize the guards against the corporate bosses, as the guards are sick of making little money and no benefits. He beams as the guards celebrate him as their new hero.

Line of the episode: “I don’t know how she knew about my birthmark.” – Officer Donaldson complaining to Healy about being the inspiration for the main character in Suzanne’s erotica. When Healy realizes that Suzanne has been writing these erotic stories for counselor Rogers’s drama class (even though they were turned down for being inappropriate) that’s all the ammunition he needs to get rid of his nemesis. Healy forces Danny to start an investigation, which means Rogers is out on temporary leave – recognizing that the inmates like Rogers better, he can barely contain his glee. This leads to the other best line as Rogers coolly confronts him: “I can’t quite pin down whether you’re a misogynist, or a racist, or a winning combination of the two.”

Big Boo and Pennsatucky knock this scene out of the park, as Big Boo slowly realizes that Pennsatucky was raped by Officer Coates. At first, Pennsatucky defends him. “When men get around boobies they don’t know how to act . . . it’s not his fault, I was flirting too much, I was smiling and really confusing.” Eventually, she admits, “I’m not gonna lie, I could have used a bit of a warmup. It doesn’t really feel good when you’re not ready.”

“You know there’s a word for that, right?” Boo says, already seething with anger. Later, she finally gets Pennsatucky to come to terms with what happened. “I wanted to stop so bad, I wanted him to stop,” she cries. Boo has a determined look on her face: “We’re gonna get that mother——.”

Episode 12: ‘Am I the mom?’

Another new guard disaster: But this one is much more serious. Fueled by the rumors Aleida started on behalf of Gloria, three women attack Sophia in her salon, demanding that she prove she’s really a woman. They pull her wig off and wrestle her to the ground and when Sophia screams for help, a new officer panics and runs away to find Caputo.

Badly beaten, Sophia is furious and demands that the guard be fired and the rest of them to get sensitivity training. Caputo, suddenly a jerk again, tells her that there’s really nothing he can do. Sophia threatens to go to the media about the negligence that led to a transgender woman being beaten up in prison: Any tabloid would pounce on that story.

The worst happens: Danny’s father, in charge of the prison board, said they need to put Sophia in maximum security to “let her clear her head.” When Danny points out that Sophia did nothing wrong and is in fact the victim of a hate crime, his dad waves him off: “We can’t weed out the bullies,” he said, pointing out this is for her own protection. And just remember the most important thing: Everything Danny does at the prison should be about making a profit. So that’s the last we see of Sophia: She’s dragged to the SHU at the end of the episode, as Gloria watches looking extremely guilty.


Suzanne and Taystee. (JoJo Whilden/Netflix)

Meanwhile, Daya goes into labor, which sends Aleida into a guilt spiral of her own. Daya refuses to talk to Aleida, given that she was trying to essentially sell Daya’s baby to Pornstache’s mom. Suddenly, Daya starts bleeding heavily and is rushed to the hospital – next thing we know, Aleida places a call to Pornstache’s mom, who’s excitedly getting the nursery ready for the baby. Aleida tells her the terrible news: The baby (a boy) died because he had the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck.

Alas, that is a lie: We see Daya at the hospital as the nurse hands her a healthy baby girl. It turns out Aleida arranged for her boyfriend, Cesar, to take the baby so Daya can keep her daughter when she gets out of prison. Something tells us this won’t be wrapped up so easily, though.

Update: Piper is running into some business issues. First, Cal’s wife is getting greedy now that she sees how much money can be made, and wants to start selling fake inmate underwear. Then, Officer Bayley — the new guard they conned into carrying the underwear out of the prison – says he no longer wants to be their man on the inside. Piper panics, offering him sexual favors and everything, but it doesn’t work. Luckily, Stella steps in and reminds Bayley that this story (illegally smuggling women’s underwear out of a women’s prison) will get him free beer for the rest of his life. Bayley sees her point and agrees to continue.

In better news, Red has found edible food! Also known as fresh veggies from the prison garden, which taste like five-star-restaurant fare after the pre-packaged prison meals. She holds a lottery for the lucky inmates who get to attend, although plans get slightly off track after Cindy and friends steal her corn – luckily, they work out a deal in which they can be the waiters at the dinner to pay off their corn debt. Healy, in one of his only humanizing acts, replaces Red’s corn so she can have her dinner, and it’s one of the few good moments of the season.

Flashback: So Aleida has always been a pretty awful mom – or at least weirdly jealous of her daughter while also talking about wanting to give her a better life. We see Aleida send a young Daya to an overnight camp on a special program for “city kids,” only to get extremely insecure when Daya has the time of her life and loves her counselor and new friends. So she throws away Daya’s art and manages to convince her that she had a boring time, and would much rather stay at home watching “Judge Judy” with her mom next summer.

Line of the episode: “Fan fiction is cheapening my legacy.” – Suzanne not happy that people are creating their own version of “Hump Time Chronicles.” Also: “Hold up. Am I the mom?” – A dispirited Taystee realizing that she is suddenly in charge of everyone’s problems.

Memorable scene: There were a couple, and for very disturbing reasons. Big Boo convinces Pennsatucky that no one will believe her if she tells authorities that Officer Coates raped her. So she devises a plan to slip Coates some dog sedatives in his coffee, at which point they’ll, um, impale him with a broom handle. Although their plan works, Pennsatucky can’t bring herself to actually hurt him, so they leave him passed out half-naked in the laundry room.

Then, Brook Soso finally takes Healy up on his offer for anti-depressants. She goes to an equally moronic doctor who says the pills might make her sleepy, but then at least she won’t get fat by binge-eating the way some depressed people do. Before she leaves, Brook steals a handful of pills and promptly overdoses in the library, where a horrified Poussey finds her unconscious on the ground.

Fun fact: Officer O’Neil is a big fan of Officer Ford. “He’s a beautiful, beautiful man,” O’Neil tells Caputo about why Ford should be another leader in their union. Also, looks like Ruby Rose’s stint on “Orange is the New Black” is limited to one season, as she tells Piper that their romance is short-lived – she’s being released from prison in the next couple of days.

Episode 13: The end

Religion and faith has been a major theme of this season, and it continues as the prisoners look for a miracle – and boy do they get one. First, though, things start on an upsetting note as Taystee, Poussey and Suzanne try to rescue Brook Soso, who overdosed – and even though they don’t really like her, they don’t want anyone to have to go to psych. (Suzanne confirms it’s the worst place in the world.) After realizing she’s awake but needs to purge, Poussey is charged with making Brook vomit up the pills. That leads to a fairly disgusting scene, but all ends up okay when Brook wakes up and is just very, very sleepy for the next few days.

Does that count as a miracle? Later, Brook heads to Healy’s office to tell him what he needs to hear: “You’re really bad at your job, Mr. Healy,” she says. “I feel worse every time we talk.” Healy looks genuinely surprised to hear this as he truly thought he was helping by giving her antidepressants. It’s a rough episode for Healy, as he finally tells his mail-order bride, Katia, that she can move out of the house with her mother and he’ll pay for an apartment. He finally realizes how much she hates him. “I’m surrounded by women in captivity all day long,” he says. “I don’t need another one who looks like she’s locked in a cage.”

Katia is thrilled, while it looks like Healy may have let her go because he has his eye on someone else: Red. We hope Red will realize she’s too good for him, but they exchange some meaningful loving looks during Lorna’s wedding (more on that below) and have a weird conversation. “You’re not going to be in prison forever,” Healy tells her. Red looks on sadly: “Our ships passed too late in the night for one of them to change course now,” she tells him.


Things don’t look good for PIper or Alex. (Netflix)

Elsewhere, Cindy continues her Jewish journey by surprising the rabbi, who comes back to find that Cindy genuinely wants to convert to Judaism. She knows a lot more than just Woody Allen this time around. “I think I’ve found my people,” Cindy says, starting to cry as she gives a passionate speech about believing in the lessons of Judaism. The rabbi is genuinely moved and says if Cindy’s serious about this, she’ll have to go to the mikvah and convert – but he believes in her.

Things get tragic with other stories as Daya finally makes up with her mother when Aleida says she did the right thing by having Cesar take care of Daya’s baby. But unbeknownst to them, that’s about the same time that Cesar is finally getting busted by the DEA for a drug ring. Daya’s baby and the rest of Aleida’s kids are taken into protective custody.

Pennsatucky plays dumb when Coates tells her he woke up in the laundry room (unaware that she drugged him), but decides to quit driving the van anyway. She quits in dramatic fashion, faking a seizure and getting in a car accident. Elated that she escaped Coates, she and Boo celebrate – until they see her replacement is Maritza. This won’t be good.

But it wasn’t all devastating: Norma’s followers need a sign, and they get one in the form of a piece of toast. Leanne and Angie go postal when they think that they find a piece of toast with Norma’s face in it, and immediately start worshiping it. The group falls apart, however, when Brook comes in and tells Norma that she’s been bullied by her group for weeks. Furious, Norma kicks Leanne out, and Leanne totally loses it.

But before all hope is lost, there’s a miracle at Litchfield. Danny quits his job as director of human activity, and Caputo decides that for once, he’s not going to stand by and watch someone else take a promotion that’s rightfully his. He ditches the union (the guards have never appreciated his work anyway) and takes Danny’s job. The guards then point out that he needs them more than they need him, and stage a walkout.

Twist: It’s the same time that the prison is having a new fence installed, meaning that as none of the guards are around, some maintenance guys take down a major part of the fence. It’s a miracle! All the inmates make a mad dash for the outside world, which turns out to be a massive lake. And for about 10 minutes, it’s pure joy as everyone enjoys the taste of freedom and splashes in the lake. Brook and Poussey hold hands. Suzanne and Maureen reunite. Cindy gets her mikvah. For a brief moment before they’re surely punished, everyone is happy.

Such happiness will be short-lived, though: The last scene we see is a busload of new prisoners coming to Litchfield, and people installing new bunk beds, meaning there will be double the prison population next season. And a lot more trouble.

Flashbacks: Lots of characters got some flashback love this week, about their faith and parents when they were little: Brook’s mother told her that when people die, all that lasts are memories of their achievements. Cindy’s father told her she was going to hell after she snuck a bite of food before the prayer was over. Janae’s father frowned upon her running track because it was against their religion for women to wear such little clothing. Lorna refused to eat a communion cracker because even as a young child, she wanted to avoid carbs.

Memorable scenes: Prison has officially made Piper evil, though she was provoked. Before she leaves prison, Stella steals all of Piper’s money that she made from the underwear business. Piper puts two and two together (Stella was the only person who knew about the cellphone) and confronts her, and Stella doesn’t deny it, saying she has no friends or family once she gets out, and needs the money. “Your situation is going to be my situation in six to 12 months,” Piper points out. Stella swears she’ll make it up to Piper, but it’s too late. Piper hides all of the illegal contraband she found (including that Jolly Rancher shiv) in Stella’s bunk and alerts the guards, meaning Stella is going to the SHU.

Oh, and Alex’s paranoia about Kubra sending someone to kill her? Not so crazy. The last we see of Alex, she’s confronted by a new guard who just so happens to be one of Kubra’s men. This isn’t good.

Line of the episode: “I got crazy feelings for you. Pauly D-JWoww 2010 kind of feelings.” – Lorna’s new husband (!), Vince. That’s right, Lorna is a married woman after she proposes to one of her many visitors of the season. In fairness, she had the deepest connection with him, and he even beat up Christopher for her. Soulmates! And who wouldn’t want someone who references “Jersey Shore” while expressing their feelings? There wedding ceremony at the prison is surprisingly beautiful, and they even get a conjugal visit by the vending machine while Officer Bell pretends not to hear.

Fun fact: Judy King finally makes it to Litchfield – but there are no guards to greet her. A fitting ending.

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