Introducing presenter Matt Damon: "The only person Ben Affleck hasn't been unfaithful to."
"The excellent 'Spotlight' has been nominated. The Catholic Church are furious about the film, as it exposes the fact that 5 percent of all their priests have repeatedly molested children and been allowed to continue to work without punishment. Roman Polanski called it the best date movie ever."
While discussing Jennifer Lawrence and Amy Schumer's movies: "'Joy' and 'Trainwreck': No, not the names of Charlie Sheen's two favorite hookers."
On Mel Gibson: "I want to say something nice about Mel before he comes out, so, oh yeah, okay, here you go. I'd rather have a drink with him in his hotel room tonight than Bill Cosby."
"I want to do this monologue and then go into hiding, okay? Not even Sean Penn will find me. Snitch."
"What a year she's had. She became a role model for trans people everywhere, showing great bravery in breaking down barriers and destroying stereotypes. She didn't do a lot for women drivers, but you can't have everything, can ya?"
"I made a joke about Mel Gibson getting a bit drunk and saying a few unsavory things. We've all done it. Wasn't judging. But now I find myself in the awkward position of having to introduce him again. Listen, I'm sure it's embarrassing for both of us and I blame NBC for this terrible situation. Mel blames… we know who Mel blames. I still feel a bit bad for it, Mel's forgotten all about it, apparently. That's what drinking does."
"To be fair, 'The Martian' was a lot funnier than 'Pixels,' but then again, so was 'Schindler's List.'"
Introducing presenters America Ferrera and Eva Longoria: "They're … two people who your future president, Donald Trump, can't wait to deport."
The Hollywood Foreign Press Association
"One Hollywood publication said that me hosting would mean that some film stars would stay away for fear of being made fun of. As if film stars would stay away from the chance of winning a Golden Globe. Particularly if their film company has already paid for it."
All celebrities in attendance
Greeting the audience: "Shut up! You disgusting, pill-popping, sexual-deviant scum."
Introducing Morgan Freeman: "The next presenter is the most respected actor in the room… that isn't saying much."
Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill
"The Golden Globes are about excellence. To win one, you have to do something amazing. Neither of our first two presenters have won a Golden Globe. I don't know what they are doing here really. But I don't choose the guests. Please welcome the fantastic Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill."
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie
"When Brad and Angelina see our next two adorable presenters, they're going to want to adopt them. Please welcome Kevin Hart and Ken Jeong."
"There's a female remake of 'Ghostbusters.' There's going to be a female remake of 'Ocean's 11.' And this is brilliant for the studios, because they get guaranteed box office results and they don't have to spend too much money on the cast."
"Women should be paid the same as men for doing the same job and I would like to say now that I'm getting paid exactly the same as Tina and Amy did last year for hosting this — no I know there was two of them, but it's not my fault if they want to share the money, is it? That's their stupid fault. (pause) It's funny cause it's true."