The movie opens with the Biebs sprinting and parkouring away from a couple of deadly dudes on motorcycles. Bieber sets the "plot" in motion by getting gunned down after ranting to his killers about protecting "the chosen one." Surprisingly, he supplies some of the comedy's biggest laughs when he pulls out his phone and snaps a selfie, even taking the time, while bleeding out, to select the perfect Insta filter.
Hansel (Wilson) is still a real swinger. When the movie opens, he's living in the desert with an orgiastic collective, which includes women and men and animals of all ages, shapes, sizes and colors. What's more, it turns out Hansel is going to be a dad — many times over. He somehow managed to impregnate everyone in the group, even Sutherland, who somehow keeps a straight face while taking on the stereotypically female role by surprising Hansel with news of their impending bundle of ambivalence.
Where has Sting been and, more importantly, what on earth is he doing in this movie? At least he has a few lines, which is more than most of the cameo players get. He also addresses some nagging rumors when Hansel asks the Tantra practitioner if he really does have sex for 10 hours at a time. The musician shakes his head as if he's about to admonish Hansel for such an inane question. Then he mouths, "fifteen!"
Armisen is both funny and grotesque, given that his 49-year-old head has been superimposed onto an 11-year-old's body. Kudos to the movie's editor. Casting him as a precocious preteen somehow works, even though it's hard to watch.
Just when you thought you'd erased the "Britain's Got Talent" singer from your memory, here she is. At least she serves a narrative purpose. At the Rome airport, Hansel and Derek (Stiller) see flashbulbs and assume the paparazzi is there for them — but they're only interested in Susan.
Cumberbatch is a little disconcerting to behold. His eyebrows are gone and his curls have been replaced by long, straight, dark hair. He speaks in a troubling monotone while playing the world's hottest new model, the gender-fluid All. His presence in the first trailer sparked some controversy, as Cumberbatch appeared to be poking fun at the transgender community. And that's true, but at least All is a fleeting presence. Basically, what you see in the trailer is most of his role in the movie.
The infotainer continues his quest to unseat Bill Nye as the real science guy (or at least the cool one). And "Zoolander 2" is only too happy to capitalize on his legion of Twitter fans. At least he gets to steal his scene from Katy Perry.
When Derek visits Mugatu (Will Ferrell) in prison — technically fashion prison — there's a "Silence of the Lambs"-style walk past a bunch of other criminals. One is MC Hammer, and he's in the slammer because of his cardinal sin, hammer pants. And he's still got his "Can't Touch This" dance moves.
Because, you know, what's funnier than a chicken in an orgy with Willie Nelson?
Anna Wintour, Kate Moss, Valentino, Tommy Hilfiger, Alexander Wang, Marc Jacobs, etc.
These big players in fashion have bit parts in the sequel, portraying themselves but they're in a secret society in search of the fountain of youth. But their presence also gives you some indication of how hard the movie is on the industry it's supposedly making fun of.
Jim Lehrer and Christiane Amanpour
So many movies get real news anchors to play themselves that it's not all that surprising to see Katie Couric, Don Lemon, Matt Lauer or Joe Scarborough on the big screen. All of them and many more appear in "Zoolander 2." But aren't the former NewsHour host and CNN correspondent kind of above this? Hm. Apparently not.
She shows up at a fashion show and the camera pans over her face a few times. Let's hope she was getting paid by the second.