Celebrity apologies are endlessly fascinating, partly because they’re generally so insincere — and also because they briefly bring egocentric stars down to earth. The world got a pretty special one on Monday.
After all, you can’t get much more humble than Johnny Depp and his wife Amber Heard forced to mumble their way through a video to explain why you should never disrespect Australia’s bio-security laws. The Hollywood couple got in big trouble last spring when Heard was accused of sneaking their two Yorkshire terriers on a private jet into Australia, where Depp, 52, was shooting the next “Pirates of the Caribbean” film.
That’s a major breach of law in the country. As the Associated Press reports, “bringing pets into Australia involves applying for a permit and quarantine on arrival of at least 10 days to prevent the spread of diseases such as rabies.” Heard, the 29-year-old actress known for “Magic Mike” and “The Playboy Club,” pleaded guilty on Monday to providing a false immigration document for the dogs, Pistol and Boo. Heard’s lawyer says the actress was jet-lagged and forgot to declare the animals; ultimately, she was sentenced with a one-month good behavior bond. When the incident occurred last year, Australian officials threatened to euthanize the dogs unless they were sent back to America.
Although the entire thing might seem absurd, it was actually fairly serious — thus the humble video from Depp and Heard, as they apologized for not going through the proper dog procedure. We have to say: After seeing a ton of lame celebrity apologies over the years, this one was gold. One reason for that was that it was on video, so you had to see the expressions on their faces, which were pained, to say the least.
“Australia is a wonderful island with a treasure trove of unique plants, animals and people,” Heard said. “Australia is free of many pest and diseases that are commonplace around the world…That is why Australia needs to have such strict bio-security laws.”
“It has to be protected,” Depp said solemnly, looking like he would rather be anywhere else.
Anyway, we’re going to put Vaguely Humiliating Public Video at the top of the list of celebrity apology types, which include:
1) The “Anyone Who Knows Me”: In other words, anyone who knows me knows I couldn’t have done this [insert terrible thing here.] Examples: Macklemore dressing up as a Jewish stereotype; Sherri Shepherd for making what some perceived as “anti-gay” comments.
2) The “Taken Out of Context”: A classic celebrity excuse when there’s an uproar over their words. Examples: Kaley Cuoco when people were offended by her feminism comments; Matt Damon with his problematic explanation of diversity on “Project Greenlight.”
3) The “I Really Do Love America!”: Self-explanatory. Examples: Ariana Grande after her doughnut-licking incident; Emily Blunt after her remark about Donald Trump.
4) The “Sincere and Ready to Suffer the Consequences”: This one can be rough, but necessary. See: Taylor Swift after she misunderstood Nicki Minaj’s VMA comments, and the ensuing Twitter storm.
5) The “Sincere Until They’re Not”: See: anything from Kanye West.