Jimmy Kimmel’s monologue on Sunday night was surprisingly mild — but he did take the opportunity to go after the usual suspects, including Donald Trump, Hollywood diversity, Marcia Clark … and Maggie Smith?
Marcia Clark:
Noting that Sarah Paulson (who played Clark, the embattled prosecutor, in “The People v. O.J. Simpson”) brought the real-life Clark as her plus one: “Because everyone in L.A. knows, if you want to win, sit next to Marcia Clark.”
“Hi, Marcia. This must be strange for you, right? Are you rooting for O.J. to win this time?”
Hollywood diversity:
About Louie Anderson playing Zach Galifianakis’s mother on “Baskets”: “Originally they were going to cast a woman for the role, but it’s very hard to find an actress over 50 who needs a part, so they went to Louie.
“This year’s nominees are the most diverse ever. And here in Hollywood, the only thing we value more than diversity is congratulating ourselves on how much we value diversity.”
“The Emmys are so diverse this year, the Oscars are now telling people we’re one of their closest friends. We’re not, by the way.”
Donald Trump:
“If it wasn’t for television, would Donald Trump be running for president? No. He would be at home right now, quietly rubbing up against his wife, Malaria, while she pretends to be asleep.”
Mark Burnett:
“Many have asked, who is to blame for Donald Trump, the Donald Trump phenomenon? And I’ll tell you who, because he’s sitting right there. That’s right, that guy. Mark Burnett, the man who brought us ‘Celebrity Apprentice.’ Thanks to Mark Burnett, we don’t have to watch reality shows anymore, because we’re living in one. Thank you, Mark. Thank you for coming all the way from England to tear us all apart with your intricate plot — it worked. You sneaky little crumpet-muncher, you. Who do you have lined up to fill the spot on the Supreme Court, Miley Cyrus or CeeLo?”
“I’m going on the record right now: He’s responsible. If Donald Trump gets elected, and he builds that wall, the first person we’re throwing over it is Mark Burnett. The tribe has spoken.”
Maggie Smith:
“If you don’t know, Maggie Smith, she’s been nominated for the Emmy nine times, she’s won the Emmy three times. How many times do you think she’s shown up here to get the Emmy? That’s right, no times. This year, she had a Sunday ceramics class that she couldn’t get out of. When Maggie Smith hears she’s nominated for an Emmy, she has the same reaction the rest of us have when we get those 20 percent off Bed Bath & Beyond coupons in the mail. Right in the garbage.”
“She goes to other award shows. She showed up at the Oscars to get an Oscar, she showed up at the Tonys, she goes to the Soul Train Awards every year. But is she here in this audience tonight? I don’t see her. She’s ‘Downton Absent,’ that’s what she is. For the ninth time.”
“What is wrong with us? Why do we keep nominating this woman? She’s treating us like the People’s Choice Awards. I have a message for you, Lame Maggie Smith, if you’re even bothering to watch. if you want an Emmy, you better hop on a plane right now and get over here.”
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