“I thought this is how men dress now,” said Stewart, who kept up the running joke that he lives in Colbert’s studio since “The Daily Show” is off the air. “The president sets men’s fashion … super long tie, dead animal on head.”
Stewart said he stopped by to deliver some news: He had special exclusive access to even more of Trump’s executive orders. Suddenly, part of Stewart’s animal hat fell in his face, and he and Colbert could barely hold it together. The audience also couldn’t stop laughing.
“People, this nation is in crisis,” Stewart admonished. “This is serious!”
Once the crowd settled down, Stewart read his version of Trump’s next “executive order.”
“By the authority vested in me by the Constitution, I, Donald J. Jonah Jameson Trump, hereby direct that to secure our border, China shall immediately and without hesitation send us their wall,” Stewart said, slipping into a Trump accent. “Done, boom. Done. Boom. Done. Boom. Done. China’s wall, sent to us, boom. Done.”
“How then do we get Mexico pay for it?” Colbert asked.
“This is the genius, Stephen!” Stewart said. “When the wall arrives at the Southern border, we shut the lights, we pretend we’re not home. It’s C.O.D. Mexico has to sign for it. Boom, they pay for it, done.”
Stewart moved on to the next order: “I, Donald J. Lincoln Kennedy Trump III, do pronounce America now finally has an official language … the new official language of the United States is bull—-.”
He paused for the audience to cheer. “I, Donald J. Trump have instructed my staff to speak only in bull—-. By the way, none of that ‘Sure, I’m gonna talk bull—- at work, but at home I’m going to use facts and real information.’ No. Bull—-, all the time, immersion, it’s the only way to be fluent.”
On the final “executive order,” Stewart turned serious, as he mostly looked directly into the camera:
“I, Donald J. Trump, do declare by executive order that I, Donald J. Trump, am exhausting. It has been 11 days, Stephen. Eleven f—ing days. Eleven! The presidency is supposed to age the president, not the public.The reason that I, Donald J. Trump, am exhausting is that every instinct and fiber of my pathological self-regard calls me to abuse of power. … I, Donald J. Trump, want — no, deserve — not just your respect but your adoration. Parades with the tanks and the synchronized dancing. And why can’t they train 10,000 doves to spell out ‘Trump’ in the clouds? How hard can it be, they’re already flying!I, Donald J. Trump, am exhausting because it is going to take relentless stamina, vigilance, and every institutional check and balance this great country can muster to keep me, Donald J. Trump, from going full Palpatine with the lightning coming out of the fingertips, and the ‘fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate.’We have never faced this before: purposeful, vindictive chaos. But perhaps therein lies the saving grace of my, Donald J. Trump’s, presidency. No one action will be adequate. All actions will be necessary. And if we do not allow Donald Trump to exhaust our fight and somehow come through this presidency calamity-less and constitutionally, partially intact, then I, Donald J Trump, will have demonstrated the greatness of America — just not the way I thought I was gonna.”