1. Oh no.
We know this isn’t really a question, but we can’t help it; it was our first reaction.
Is this supposed to heighten demand for a new season of the singer’s glorious trainwreck of a reality show, “Mariah’s World?” Is it meant to make us forget about the unbearably awkward debacle that was Carey’s performance in Times Square on New Year’s Eve? Is it intended to remind us that, once, a long, long time ago, she made this incredibly great song, and she will never, ever, ever let us forget it?
3. What is the plot, exactly?
After all, the song’s lyrics don’t tell much of a story — they’re a charming mélange of seasonal imagery and romantic yearning. We turned to the video teaser for clues.
“Every holiday season, there are traditions we can’t live without,” a narrator intones as the trailer opens, and a series of words flash in gold-lettered succession: The tree. The stockings. The presents. And Mariah Carey. Then the holiday pop goddess herself appears, reclining on a couch in a pearl necklace and plaid flannel pajamas, with a roaring fireplace and a glittering Christmas tree behind her. “I don’t want a lot for Christmas,” she says, clutching a panting terrier who appears to be straining against her grasp. “There’s just one thing I need.” (To escape, the dog’s eyes scream silently.)
Propped beside them on the couch is a copy of Carey’s children’s book based on the song, which tells the story of a girl who really wants a puppy for Christmas. The puppy on the book’s cover strongly resembles the real-life dog on Carey’s couch. According to the Hollywood Reporter, this isn’t a coincidence — the CGI film will tell the story of a young Mariah who desperately wants a puppy, including some new twists to the book’s simple storyline.
4. Is this going to ruin the song for us?
The truth is, we love this song. It is a tradition we can’t live without, ever since 1994, when a flawless, 20-something Mariah donned a red-and-white knit hat and a puffy snowsuit and pranced around in absurdly fake-looking snow with Santa Claus, and an entire generation of adolescent MTV addicts decided that we wanted to be just like her when we grew up. (Also, even at the tender age of 12, we knew that song was not about wanting a puppy.)
“All I Want for Christmas” is a relentless hit. It has made Carey a lot of money. It played a starring role in the inescapable holiday classic film “Love Actually.” The song has already inspired a book; does it really need to become a cinema spectacle? Must our cherished nostalgia be transformed into a multi-media empire?
Oh, 1994 Mariah, take us back to a simpler time.