1) When Comey explained that he took meticulous notes after his meetings with Trump because “I was honestly concerned he might lie about the nature of our meeting.”
Colbert: “He thought Trump might lie? That’s razor-sharp FBI instinct in action, right there.”
Meyers: “That’s the FBI director, a guy who has dealt with liars and criminals his whole life, walking out of his first meeting with the president and thinking, ‘I’ve got to write this s‑‑‑ down.’ ”
Fallon: “Comey said that he kept memos of his meetings with Trump because he felt that the president may lie about them. Even Trump was like, ‘Yeah, that sounds like me. Good thinking. That’s good thinking on your part.’ ”
Noah: “This is the first time I’ve ever felt bad for Ted Cruz, because you know he was watching this thinking, ‘Wait, you guys just now figured out Trump was a liar? He said my dad killed JFK!’ At least, that’s what I imagine happened, because no one was actually willing to watch the Comey hearing with Ted Cruz.”
Conan: “James Comey also testified that every time he thought President Trump was lying he wrote it down. Which explains why Comey was just rushed to the hospital for carpal tunnel syndrome.”
2) When Comey said, “The administration then chose to defame me and, more importantly, the FBI, by saying the organization was in disarray, that it was poorly led, that the workforce had lost confidence in its leader. Those were lies, plain and simple.”
Colbert: “That would be a good name for a Trump family law firm: Lies, Plain & Simple.”
Meyers: “Comey said that the Trump administration chose to defame him and the FBI with ‘lies, plain and simple.’ A claim that was refuted by both plain and simple.” (Shows picture of Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump.)
3) When Paul Ryan said “the president’s new at this” and that he “wasn’t steeped” in protocols between the FBI and White House.
Conan: “Today, House Speaker Paul Ryan defended Donald Trump’s behavior saying, ‘The president’s new at this.’ Ryan said, ‘And by ‘this’ I mean ‘following the law.’ ”
Meyers: “Then there was House Speaker Paul Ryan … saying basically that Trump was too dumb to know that what he was doing was wrong. So wait, the president is just learning on the job? Even at Chipotle you have to shadow someone for a week.”
4) When Trump didn’t tweet at all, and his staff kept him busy during the testimony.
Colbert: “Trump said he was going to live-tweet during the testimony. And he didn’t. Which means Reince Priebus and Steve Bannon managed to keep tossing Trump’s phone back and forth the entire time.”
Meyers: “President Trump did not post on Twitter … well, he thought he did, but his aide switched his phone with a Speak & Spell.”
Colbert: “There was a whole team at the White House assigned to keep Trump busy Thursday morning with meetings so he wouldn’t watch TV and tweet during the hearing. But they weren’t optimistic, saying, ‘If he wants to watch it, it’s not like we can say, oh, the TV doesn’t work.’ Oh yeah, he’s way too smart to fall for that. Have you tried turning the lights off and telling him he’s blind?”
Meyers: “It’s a sad state of affairs when the White House staff has to handle the president like a toddler on a road trip: ‘Okay, I got the iPad and the sticker book. Ziploc full of Cheerios, three binkys. I think we’re good!’ ”
Fallon: “Despite Comey’s testimony, a White House spokesperson said today is a regular Thursday at the White House. America was like, ‘Yeah. That’s what worries us.’ ”
5) When Sen. James E. Risch (R-Idaho) kept asking if Trump said he hoped Comey would let the Michael Flynn investigation go, or if he actually told him to let it go.
Noah: “Sen. Risch was making it sound like Trump was innocently hoping, like language doesn’t have subtext. He makes it sound like Trump was a Disney character standing out on a balcony singing, ‘I hope Michael Flynn will be free some day/I hope he’ll get away!’ That’s not what happened.”
Meyers: “Look, when someone says, ‘I hope you’ll join us for dinner,’ they want you to come to dinner. They’re not going to answer the door and say, ‘What the hell are you doing here?’ ‘You invited me.” ‘I was just hoping!’ ”
6) When Comey said he had to cancel a date with his wife to have dinner with Trump.
Colbert: “On the plus side, if you hadn’t gone to dinner with him that night, you wouldn’t have so much time to spend with your wife now.”
Fallon: “Comey tried to take his wife out the next night, and she said, ‘Actually, Trump just asked me to dinner.’”
Meyers: “If a call from a president is all-time excuse for breaking a date, saying no to the president and staying home with your wife is an all-time player move. I’m pretty sure if you do that, you get to skip the Netflix and go right to chill.”
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