Did you think Stephen Colbert could host the Emmys without a few (or many) political jokes? Not a chance. Here are some of his targets from this year’s monologue:

President Trump

“There were over 450 original scripted shows made this year. Of course, there is no way anyone could possibly watch that much TV — other than the president, who seems to have a lot of time for that sort of thing. Hello, sir, thank you for joining us. Looking forward to the tweet.”

“If we’re honest with ourselves — and as artists I think we have to be honest with ourselves — we know that the biggest TV star of the last year is Donald Trump. No, you may not like it, but he’s the biggest star. You know, and Alec Baldwin, obviously. You guys are neck and neck. And Alec, you’re up against a lot of neck.”

“However you feel about the president … you can’t deny that every show was influenced by Donald Trump in some way. All the late night shows, obviously. ‘House of Cards.’ The new season of ‘American Horror Story.’ And of course next year’s Latin Grammys, hosted by sheriff Joe Arpaio.”

“And we all know the Emmys mean a lot to Donald Trump. Because he was nominated multiple times for ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ but he never won. Why didn’t you give him an Emmy? I tell you this, if he had won an Emmy, I bet he wouldn’t have run for president. So in a way this is all your fault. I thought you people loved morally compromised antiheroes. You like Walter White. He’s just Walter much whiter.”

“But he didn’t [win]. Because unlike the presidency, Emmys go to the winner of the popular vote.”

“What really matters to Donald Trump is ratings. You got to have the big numbers. And I certainly hope we achieved that tonight. Unfortunately, at this point, we have no way of knowing how big our audience is. I mean is there anyone who can say how big the audience is? Sean, do you know?” (Cue the below cameo from Sean Spicer):

Sen. Ted Cruz

“These days, everybody loves streaming video. Just ask Ted Cruz. But knock first. You don’t want to just walk in.”

Bill Maher

“There’s so many talented African American nominees: Jeffrey Wright. Viola Davis. Uzo Aduba. Anthony Anderson from ABC’s ‘Blackish.’ And of course Bill Maher. I assume he’s black since he’s so comfortable using the n-word.”

Women and Hollywood

“We’ve got amazing shows like ‘Stranger Things.’ Millie Bobby Brown is here tonight. She’s amazing in that show. Proving once and for all that there are roles in Hollywood for women over 12.”

HBO’s hacker situation

“Premium cable still has a ton of great shows. I am sure HBO will take home a lot of Emmys tonight, which they’ll have to melt down to pay for next year’s hacker ransom. Too soon?”


“Netflix alone raked in 92 Emmy nominations this year. And may I remind you, five years ago their hottest show was a scratched DVD of ‘Finding Nemo’?”

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