“I had an interesting day today,” Jimmy Kimmel said at the top of his late-night show Wednesday, which was quite the understatement. Kimmel saw his monologue about health care go viral after he tore into Sen. Bill Cassidy (R-La.) on Tuesday night for the “horrible bill” that he proposed with Sen. Lindsey O. Graham (R-S.C.) as the Senate tries to repeal Obamacare.
Kimmel took particular issue with Cassidy because the Louisiana senator appeared on his show in May and said he would oppose a health-care bill in which people with preexisting conditions were not protected, or had an annual or lifetime cap for insurance companies. Cassidy nicknamed some of these guidelines the “Jimmy Kimmel test,” as it was right after Kimmel had publicly discussed his newborn son’s harrowing open heart surgery, and pleaded with officials to consider the astronomical cost of medical care for families who can’t afford it.
“But unfortunately and puzzlingly, [Cassidy] proposed a bill that would allow states to do all the things he said he would not let them do,” Kimmel said. “He made a total about-face, which means he either doesn’t understand his own bill, or he lied to me. It’s simple as that.”
After Kimmel unloaded on Cassidy, he had lots of supporters — and also lots of criticism. On Wednesday night, although Kimmel joked that he didn’t want to turn this into a Taylor Swift-Kanye West-level feud, he doubled down and slammed some of his critics. Here were all his targets:
Sen. Bill Cassidy
Kimmel: “It was a bad morning for Senator Cassidy. He and his co-sponsor, Lindsey Graham, spent the morning defending the indefensible. This morning, the senator sat for an interview with Chris Cuomo, CNN, and pulled the ‘all comedians are dummies’ card.” (Clip of Cassidy saying, “I’m sorry he does not understand.”)
“Oh, I get it, I don’t understand because I’m a talk-show host, right? Well, then help me out. Which part don’t I understand? Is it the part where you cut $243 billion from federal health-care assistance? Am I not understanding the part where states would be allowed to let insurance companies price you out of coverage for having preexisting conditions? Maybe I don’t understand the part of your bill in which federal funding disappears completely after 2026? Or maybe it was the part where the plans are no longer required to pay for essential health benefits like maternity care or pediatric visits?
“Or the part where the American Medical Association, the American College of Physicians, the American Academy of Pediatrics, the American Hospital Association, the American Cancer Society, the American Diabetes Association, the American Heart Association, Lung Association, Arthritis Foundation, Cystic Fibrosis Foundation, ALS, the Multiple Sclerosis Society, and the March of Dimes, among many others, all vehemently oppose your bill? Which part of that am I not understanding? Or could it be, Senator Cassidy, the problem is that I do understand and you got caught with your G-O-Penis out? Is that possible? Because it feels like it is.”
“When Sen. Cassidy was on my show in May, he told me that he believed that every American family, regardless of income, should be able to get quality health care. And I believed he was sincere. Sadly, the bill he unveiled last week with Senator Lindsey Graham indicates that he was not sincere. It is, by many accounts, the worst health-care bill yet.”
Brian Kilmeade of “Fox and Friends”
Kimmel: “So, got a lot of nice tweets, words of support today, from a lot of sick and disabled people who are worried about their access to health care being cut off. But I also got some words that were not so nice, particularly from our friends at ‘Fox & Friends.’ ”
(Clip of Brian Kilmeade saying, “Sunday’s politically charged Emmys may have been the lowest-rated in history, but that’s not stopping Hollywood elites like comedian Jimmy Kimmel from pushing their politics on the rest of the country.”)
“Thanks, Brian. That was Brian Kilmeade. And the reason I found this comment to be particularly annoying is because this is a guy, Brian Kilmeade, who whenever I see him, kisses my a‑‑ like a little boy meeting Batman. Oh, he’s such a fan. He follows me on Twitter. He asks me to write a blurb for his book, which I did. He calls my agent, looking for projects. He’s dying to be a member of the Hollywood elite. The only reason he’s not a member of the Hollywood elite is because nobody will hire him to be one.
“And you know, the reason I’m talking about this is because my son had an open heart surgery, then has to have two more, and because of that, I learned that there are kids with no insurance in the same situation. I don’t get anything out of this, Brian, you phony little creep. Oh, I’ll pound you when I see you. That is my blurb. That will be my blurb for your next book. ‘Brian Kilmeade is a phony little creep.’ That’s right.”
Gov. Chris Christie (R-N.J.)
Kimmel: “This is another good one. Guess who else weighed in with his opinion of me?”
(Clip of Christie saying he’s not in favor of the Cassidy-Graham bill, adding, “I’m not going to get into Jimmy Kimmel, he’s not a serious person.”)
“I’m not a serious person? I never got my head stuck in a bucket of fried chicken. Okay? You say I’m not a serious person. Actually, in this case, Chris Christie is allowed to make fun of me, from him I deserve it. And to be completely honest, I did once get my head stuck in a bucket of fried chicken.”
Sen. Lindsey Graham
Kimmel: “I also got a scolding from Senator Lindsey Graham, who’s the co-sponsor of this terrible new health-care bill. Senator Graham told reporters that what I said last night was garbage, he lashed out at me for not calling Senator Cassidy before I went on the air. I guess to give him a chance to lie to me again over the telephone.
“But I’m not going to attack Lindsey Graham for two reasons. Number one, he’s one of the few Republicans who stands up to Donald Trump. And number two, Lindsey Graham happens to look a lot like my Grandma Jane who is now deceased. So I have a soft spot for him. I love you, Grandma Lindsey, I don’t care what you say.”
Kimmel: “Meanwhile, President Trump is desperate to do away with Obamacare. He’s mad at Rand Paul for going against it. Today he tweeted:
Rand Paul is a friend of mine but he is such a negative force when it comes to fixing healthcare. Graham-Cassidy Bill is GREAT! Ends Ocare!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) September 20, 2017
“That’s all he cares about. Because there’s no way President Trump read this bill that he says is great. He just wants to get rid of it because Obama’s name is on it. The Democrats should just rename it ‘Ivankacare’ — guaranteed he gets on board. Can you imagine Donald Trump actually sitting down to read a health-care bill? It’s like trying to imagine a dog doing your taxes. It just doesn’t compute, you know?”
The bill itself
Kimmel: “This health-care bill is confusing, especially for those people who aren’t experts in the field. So to make it simpler, I wanted to take a moment to boil it down in a special edition of ‘Barista Theater.’ Here we are in a coffee shop. And this is my barista.”
Barista: “Hi there, what can I get you?”
Kimmel: “I’d like a black coffee, please.”
Barista: “Sure thing. Your name?”
Kimmel: “My name is Jimmy.”
Barista: All right. (Pours coffee directly through a cup.) “There you go. That’ll be $3.50.”
Kimmel: “What — what are you doing — what was that?”
Barista: “You asked for a black coffee.”
Kimmel: “Yeah, but it’s all over the table.”
Barista: “Oh, sir, I’m sorry you don’t understand. I provided you with coffee. Now it’s up to the individual cup to decide whether you get it or not.”
Kimmel: “What? What the hell are you talking about? A cup is a cup.”
Barista: “Is it, though? We believe each cup is capable of making its own decision on whether to hold coffee or not.”
Kimmel: “But your job is to serve coffee. Shouldn’t I for sure be able to drink it?”
Barista: “Oh, no. I’m sorry, no. Putting bottoms on all the cups would be too expensive. So anyway, that will be $3.50, Timmy.”
Kimmel: “I’m not paying it. It’s Jimmy, by the way. And this is exhausting. I want no part of this at all.”
Barista: “You’re exhausted?”
Barista: “That’s a preexisting condition. Your new total is … $387.50.”
Kimmel: “That’s ridiculous. I’m not paying $387.50.”
Barista: “Ridiculous. Actually, it is adequate and affordable.”
Kimmel: “You know what? I’ll just go to another coffee place, thank you.”
Barista: “This is how all coffee shops are now. If you want your coffee in a cup, go to Canada.”
Kimmel: “Fine. You know about what? Their president is cuter anyway.”
That's great news Mr. President! Does that mean he'll vote against the horrible bill he wrote?
— Jimmy Kimmel (@jimmykimmel) September 21, 2017