Meyers didn’t hold back, acknowledging that it seemed weird for a man to host the show, and he devoted a portion to “Jokes Seth Can’t Tell,” a segment from his late-night show. He also took on targets from Weinstein to President Trump. A sampling:
“Harvey Weinstein isn’t here tonight because, well, I’ve heard rumors that he’s crazy and difficult to work with. But don’t worry, he’ll be back in 20 years when he becomes the first person ever booed during the In Memoriam.”
“Give it up for the Hollywood Foreign Press. A string of three words that could not have been better designed to infuriate our president. Hollywood Foreign Press. The only name that would make him angrier would be the Hillary Mexico Salad Association.”
“‘The Shape of Water’ received the most nominations of any film this year. Just an incredibly beautiful film. But I have to admit, when I first heard about a film where a naive young woman falls in love with a disgusting sea monster, I thought, ‘Oh, man, not another Woody Allen movie.'”
Read the complete transcript here:
Good evening, ladies and remaining gentlemen. I’m Seth Meyers and I’ll be your host tonight.
Welcome to the 75th annual Golden Globes, and happy new year, Hollywood. It’s 2018, marijuana is finally allowed, and sexual harassment finally isn’t. It’s going to be a good year. This was the year of big little lies and “get out.” And also the television series “Big Little Lies” and the movie “Get Out.”
There’s a new era under way, I can tell, because it’s been years since a white man was this nervous in Hollywood. By the way, a special hello to hosts of other upcoming awards shows who are watching me tonight like the first dog they shot into outer space.
For the male nominees in the room tonight, this is the first time in three months it won’t be terrifying to hear your name read out loud. “Did you hear about Willem Dafoe?” “Oh, God, no.” “He was nominated!” “Don’t do that! Don’t do that.”
Considering what has been going on this year with powerful men and their terrible behavior in Hollywood, a lot of people thought it would be more appropriate for a woman to host these awards and they may be right. But if it’s any consolation, I’m a man with absolutely no power in Hollywood. I’m not even the most powerful Seth in the room tonight. (Camera pans to Seth Rogen.) Hey, remember when he was the guy making trouble with North Korea? Remember that? Simpler times.
They tried to get a woman to host this show. They really did. They said, “Hey, how would you like to come and be judged by some of the most powerful people in Hollywood?” And women were like, “Hmm, well, where is it?” They said, “It’s at a hotel.” And long story short, I’m your host tonight.
See what the stars are wearing on the red carpet at this year?s Golden Globes
And we’re all here tonight courtesy of the Hollywood Foreign Press. Yeah, give it up for the Hollywood Foreign Press. A string of three words that could not have been better designed to infuriate our president. Hollywood Foreign Press. The only name that would make him angrier would be the Hillary Mexico Salad Association.
Well, I think it’s time to address the elephant not in the room. Harvey Weinstein isn’t here tonight because, well, I’ve heard rumors that he’s crazy and difficult to work with. But don’t worry, he’ll be back in 20 years when he becomes the first person ever booed during the In Memoriam. (Crowd boos.) It will sound like that.
Well, despite everything that happened this year, the show goes on. For example, I was happy to hear they’re going to do another season of “House of Cards.” Is Christopher Plummer available for that, too? I hope he can do a Southern accent because Kevin Spacey sure couldn’t. (Loud reaction from crowd.) Oh, is that too mean? To Kevin Spacey?
Daniel Kaluuya is nominated for best actor for his work in “Get Out.” Daniel plays a young man lured to an event full of aging white people desperate to reclaim their youth and, oh my god, Daniel, it’s a trap! Get out! “Get Out” was a great film to see in a theater and also a great way to tell if your date was a racist. If you walked out after that movie and your date said, “It was so sad when they hit that deer,” they’re a racist. You went to a movie with a racist.
“The Shape of Water” received the most nominations of any film this year. Just an incredibly beautiful film. But I have to admit, when I first heard about a film where a naive young woman falls in love with a disgusting sea monster, I thought, “Oh, man, not another Woody Allen movie.” Like “Manhattan” in water.
“The Post” is nominated for best picture tonight. “The Post.” “The Post” is a film about journalistic integrity directed by Steven Spielberg and starring Tom Hanks and Meryl Streep. (Woman arrives on stage with an armful of trophies.) No, not yet, we have to wait. We have to wait and see what happens.
There was some great television nominated this year, too. We had another fantastic season of “Stranger Things.” “Stranger Things” reminded me so much of my childhood. Not the sci-fi stuff, and I didn’t really have any friends. I don’t know how to ride a bike. Basically just the part where a guy from Radio Shack dated my mom.
“Sesame Street” recently released a parody of “Stranger Things” titled “Sharing Things.” Meanwhile, Bert and Ernie have been doing a parody of “Call Me By Your Name” for years.
I live in New York, so one of my favorite shows of the year was “The Deuce.” If you haven’t seen it, “The Deuce” is a show about Times Square in the early ’70s when New York was so seedy there were two James Francos.
Oprah Winfrey is receiving the Cecil B. DeMille Award tonight. What a tremendous honor for Cecil B. DeMille. Oprah, while I have you, in 2011 I told some jokes about our current president at the White House correspondents’ dinner, jokes about how he was unqualified to be president. And some have said that night convinced him to run. So, if that’s true, I just want to say: Oprah, you will never be president! You do not have what it takes. And Hanks! Where’s Hanks? You will never be vice president. You are too mean and unrelatable. Now we just wait and see.
So if I may, on my show, we do a segment called “Jokes Seth Can’t Tell,” where two of my writers, Amber Ruffin and Jenny Hagel, where they tell punchlines that would be more fun coming from them instead of me, a straight white male. Tonight that’s more true than ever. So we thought we could enlist some of the brilliant people in the room.
Let’s start. Where’s Jessica Chastain? Give it up for Jessica. I’m going to say the setup. Jessica is going to say the punchline. Okay here we go. The Golden Globes turns 75 this year.
Jessica Chastain: But the actress that plays its wife is still only 32.
Meyers: There you go. So much more fun. Where’s Billy Eichner? Here’s your setup, Billy, “Call Me By Your Name” is nominated for best motion picture. It’s a gay coming of age film.
Eichner: Said Kevin Spacey: “You lost me at ‘of age.'”
Meyers: And you thought it was mean when I said he didn’t have a Southern accent! Issa Rae is nominated for her HBO show, “Insecure.” There’s Issa. Here’s your setup. “Insecure” creator Issa Rae currently has three projects in development with HBO.
Rae: Yeah, that’s right, and three projects is also where they think I’m from.
Meyers: Next up, Hong Chau, so brilliant in the film “Downsizing.” Here’s the setup. According to a recent article, only 5 percent of speaking roles in Hollywood are played by Asian actors.
Chau: But those numbers might be off since a white person did the math.
Meyers: All right. Where’s Amy Poehler? All right. There you are, Amy. You want to do one?
Poehler: Yeah, I’ll do one but I don’t need your help.
Meyers: Yeah, but no, I do the setup, and then you do the punchline.
Poehler: Oh, is that how it works? You’re explaining something I already know. Is this the mansplaining part of the evening?
Meyers: No, no, I just don’t think it will work without a setup to your punchline.
Poehler: Well, I’m glad to know what you think, first of all — thank you for telling me what you think. Secondly, I’m a woman in Hollywood, Seth. We’ve all been through a lot. I don’t need a setup to make a punchline work. Okay? You’re sadly mistaken.
Meyers: Okay, I’m sorry. I apologize.
Poehler: Oh, another apology. How wonderful. All right. Let me just get started. I’m reclaiming my wine. Here we go.
Meyers: So you’re going to just do a punchline with no setup.
Poehler: Everybody gets it! You already explained it! Stop explaining it! Oh my God. Okay. Punchline. No setup. Here we go. Said the peach in “Call Me By Your Name,” this scene is the pits.
Meyers: Thank you so much, Amy. Also I want to point out that sitting next to Amy is Saru Jayaraman. Give it up for Saru, everyone. She is one of many activists from outside of this industry who have been invited here tonight in support of the Time’s Up initiative. It’s great. Yeah, give it up. It’s great that this movement understands that what tarnished our world this year tarnishes so many others and is reaching out to help them, too.
I know if you’re watching at home, and you see everyone in their tuxedos and gowns, this looks like a room of privileged Hollywood elite. And that’s fair. But everyone in this room knows that Hollywood is so much more than that. When you’re on a film set you meet hairdressers and camera people and script supervisors. Most of the jobs on film sets are jobs for people who work long, hard hours. They are American dream jobs.
Those people aren’t there thanks to their rich dad, except for that one PA. Every film set has at least one super connected PA who is always late. And you ask what the hell his deal is. Someone’s like, “Oh, that’s Jeremy Paramount. Give Jeremy his space.”
People in this room worked really hard to get here, but it’s clearer now than ever before that the women had to work even harder. So thank you for all the amazing work that you’ve all done and you continue to do. I look forward to you leading us into whatever comes next. So thank you so much for letting me say that.
And now to present our first award — oh, please don’t be two white dudes, please don’t be two white dudes. Oh, thank God! It’s Gal Gadot and Dwayne Johnson, everybody.