Stephen Colbert basked in the applause of his studio audience on Monday night.
“Thank you for that. I need that tonight in ways I don’t always need it, because today has shaken me to my core,” Colbert confessed. “And I don’t think I need to point out that, at 54, there’s not a lot of core left.”
Colbert wasn’t the only late-night host who was incredulous over the day’s events — specifically, the news conference with President Trump and Russian President Vladimir Putin, in which Trump sided with Putin and dismissed U.S. intelligence agencies that said Russia meddled in the 2016 election.
Everyone had thoughts — here are just some of the topics that Colbert, Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Fallon, Trevor Noah and Seth Meyers all mocked.
Trump’s defense of Putin interfering with the election: “I have President Putin; he just said it’s not Russia. I will say this: I don’t see any reason why it would be.”
Noah: “Really? You don’t see any reason not to trust Vladimir Putin? The man was a top KGB spy . . . You can’t trust this man! On the list of people to never trust, Putin is between WebMD and the mom from ‘Get Out.’”
Colbert: “You don’t see any reason? Do you own a mirror? Because after throwing your intelligence community under the bus, you threw it in reverse and turned them into road burger.”
Kimmel: “Well, I guess that settles it. There you go. If you’re wondering whether or not Vladimir Putin has an incriminating video of Donald Trump, we now know beyond a treasonable doubt he does. This wasn’t a good day for Donald Trump. We haven’t seen an American so owned by a Russian since ‘Rocky IV.’”
Fallon: “Sure. If Putin told you, it must be true.”
Meyers: “Can someone get Trump a glass of water? Cause he thirsty. It’s only a matter of weeks before he ‘Single White Females’ Putin.”
When Trump said, “I hold both countries responsible. I think that the United States has been foolish.”
Colbert: “Yeah, we’re all to blame. Trump sounds just like FDR after Pearl Harbor.” (Fake FDR voice: “Yesterday, December 7, 1941: a date for which both countries are to blame. I mean, if we didn’t want to be attacked, why did we have those sexy battleships in our big juicy harbor?”)
Noah: “Now, in Trump’s defense, he has a good point. Sure, on the one hand, Russia messed with the U.S. by meddling in their elections. But on the other hand, America held elections. So they were asking for it.”
The idea that Putin is in charge of Trump.
Meyers: “President Trump and Russian President Vladimir Putin had a one-on-one meeting today that lasted over two hours. Ugh, poor Trump! That is a long time to hang out with your boss.”
Noah: “When they set up this meeting last month, no one knew what it was meant to be about . . . maybe it was just going to be Trump going in to see Putin for his annual performance review.”
Fallon: “The big story is that today President Trump met with Russian president Vladimir Putin in Finland. Trump was pretty nervous. Which makes sense, because most people are nervous when meeting their boss.”
Kimmel: “Today was maybe the strangest of all 542 bizarre days of Donald Trump’s reign of error . . . The president of the United States today publicly sided with Russia over our own FBI on the subject of cyberattacks on our election campaign. Trump had a meeting today with his KGBFF, Vladimir Putin.”
Colbert: (Plays video of Trump saying, “You have groups that are wondering why the FBI never took the server — why didn’t they take the server?”) “We know where the server is. He’s standing right next to the master.”
When Trump said that Putin was “extremely strong and powerful in his denial,” and offered to have his intelligence agents investigate the 12 Russian operatives indicted on charges that they hacked the Democrats during the election.
Noah: “So Putin offered to help investigate his own crime? And President Art of the Deal says, ‘What an incredible offer!’ . . . This what you get when you put a KGB agent up against a KFC agent.”
Kimmel: “Putin’s just having fun with this now. He actually offered to have his intelligence agents investigate the hacking of our election. That’s like Papa John offering to investigate who’s been saying all the racist stuff at the company.”
Reactions from cable news anchors, such as, “I think that press conference was the single most embarrassing performance by an American president on the world stage that I’ve ever seen.”
Noah: “The most embarrassing performance by an American president. Do you know how hard it is to achieve that? George H.W. Bush once threw up on the Japanese prime minister, and Trump is now on top.”
Fallon: “After the press conference, CNN, MSNBC and even Fox News slammed Trump for his performance. Trump said he shouldn’t jump to any conclusions until we hear what Cartoon Network has to say.”
Colbert: “Wow. Those are the worst reviews I’ve seen since Titanic. And I don’t mean the movie. ‘One star. I drowned. Great band, though.’”