Many correctly assumed that “Saturday Night Live” would dive straight back into politics with the cold open of its 44th season premiere, given the fiery nature of Judge Brett M. Kavanaugh’s testimony in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee earlier this week. But the casting decision nobody saw coming?
Matt Damon as Kavanaugh. Yes, that’s right. Matt Damon.
When Alex Moffat’s Sen. Charles E. Grassley (R-Iowa) asked if Kavanaugh was ready to begin the hearing, which centered on an allegation of sexual misconduct made against the judge by California professor Christine Blasey Ford, Damon’s Kavanaugh responded at full volume.
“Let me tell you this,” he said. “I’m going to start at an 11. I’m going to take it to about a 15 real quick. First of all, I showed this speech to almost no one — not my family, not my friends, not even P.J., Tobin or Squi. This is my speech.”
He then called the multiple allegations against him a “political con job, orchestrated by the Clintons and George Soros and Kathy Griffin and Mr. Ronan Sinatra,” referring to the theory that Frank Sinatra is Ronan Farrow’s actual father, before crying about his “beautiful, creepy calendars.”
A sketch about the hearing wouldn’t be complete without Grassley’s fellow committee members, of course.
Cecily Strong’s Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-Calif.) attempted to ask Kavanaugh if he would agree to an FBI investigation of the allegations, to which he again responded with a reference to his calendars.
Beck Bennet’s Sen. Orrin G. Hatch (R-Utah) changed the subject and remarked that the Democrats are acting like cowards before proceeding to, in his own words, “hide behind the female prosecutor we hired to act as a human shield.” Rachel Mitchell — said prosecutor, played by Aidy Bryant in an eerily accurate wig — asked everyone to stop tacking on the “female” descriptor every time they referred to her.
In another surprise appearance, Rachel Dratch played Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-Minn.), who tried her best to figure out if Kavanaugh drank frequently or ever blacked out in high school.
Kavanaugh, as a few supercuts online have since captured, took this as an invitation to profess his deep love of beer many, many times: “Look,” he said, sniffling. “I like beer, okay? I like beer. Boys like beer. Girls like beer. I like beer. I like beer!”
Finally, Kate McKinnon’s Sen. Lindsey O. Graham (R-S.C.) followed Kavanaugh’s claim that, in high school, he was the “proudest, drunkest virgin you’ve ever seen” by, well, also yelling.
“I will not shut up because this is a bunch of C-R-A-P, crap,” Graham screamed while pointing at a visibly confused Kavanaugh and nearly falling over. “This ain’t a trial. This ain’t no due process . . . This is hell.”
Bill Cosby comparisons ensued, and Feinstein attempted to rein things back in by asking an irate Kavanaugh if he believed he had the right temperament to be a Supreme Court justice.
“I WENT TO YALE,” he yelled. “Worked my butt off to be here — I busted my buns. . . . Am I angry? You’re damn right. But if you think I’m angry now, just wait until I get on that Supreme Court — because then you’re all going to pay.”