Because this has evidently been officially dubbed the Week to Write Mean Things About D.C. Sports, let me present to you the meanest column that has yet been written about the Nationals, by Bloomberg View’s Jonathan Mahler. He is, for the unfamiliar, the best-selling author of the book that inspired The Bronx is Burning, a contributor to the New York Times Magazine, and also someone who was evidently tortured by a Washington Senators-loving lunatic in his youth.
And thus, these direct quotes:
* “Fans of a winning team are almost always annoying. But when they are also policy makers and newscasters, it’s somehow especially nauseating.”
[Because public servants and journalists are eeeeeeeeevil.]
* “Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell are both fans, which might help explain why the 112th Congress was the least productive since World War II.”
[Henceforth, sports fandom will be held against all political candidates, who are clearly unable to simultaneously fulfill their legislative duties and also look at box scores in the morning. Also, all legislators in the legislatively productive ’60s absolutely hated sports. Any hobbies, really. They just woke up and started passing bills.]
* “Why did [Lerner] leave it to the city’s taxpayers to foot the vast majority of the bill for the team’s $600 million stadium?”
[Weird timeline, sir.]
* “Washington lost its original baseball team, the Senators, in 1960 because of lack of fan support….Not all that much has changed since then.”
[Other than the population of the metropolitan area more than doubling as greater D.C. became the wealthiest region in the country.]
* “The Nats weren’t even close to selling out for the big clincher on Monday night. This does not bode well for future years when the team might not be as successful on the field. Or maybe I’m missing the point. In Washington, it’s not the size of the crowd that matters so much as whether the right people are in it.”
[The Nats had their best attendance since 2005, and enjoyed a 21 percent growth over 2011, one of the biggest increases in baseball, despite selling season tickets to fans who had never seen a winning record. The final series was the best-attended Monday-through-Wednesday series in Nats Park history. Never before has an MLB stadium had higher attendance in its fifth season than its first season without at least three straight years of winning records, according to the team.]
* “For all of the Beltway spin, this season’s real baseball miracle is just up the Baltimore-Washington Parkway, at Camden Yards.”
* “Keep in mind that if you root for the Nats, you’ll be siding with Washington’s political and media elite. So bring on the extended postseason. And somebody, anybody, please beat the Nationals.”
[Because people who write for Bloomberg and the New York Times Magazine can’t possibly tolerate elites.]
I worked up a very long and well-reasoned response, but frankly I’ve done enough of that for one day, so instead I’ll respond like this: pfffffffffffffffffffffffttttttttttttttttttttttttt.