While everyone was making their “Nats will win seven straight World Series” predictions earlier in the week, I was planning a series of whimsical Nats-related predictions more up my alley.

For example, that execrable Papa John’s products would quickly make fans miss Flippin’ Pizza. That Bryce Harper would finish the season with Major League Baseball’s best-selling jersey. And that Teddy and Bill Taft would combine to win fewer than five races, but would engage in a series of gimmicky on-field fights, bringing their 1912 rivalry into the 21st century, helping teach kids about U.S. history, and causing tens of grumpypants to complain that this was distracting from the important issue at hand, said important issue being grown men in tight pants swinging long pieces of wood.


Anyhow, had I made that last prediction, the first day of the season would have left me feeling swell. Bill and Ted were indeed more consumed with childish bickering than with finishing the race on Monday afternoon; their immature extracurriculars led to both presidents taking sad spills far from the finish line, multiple slaps, what looked to be a roundhouse kick attempt from Taft, concerned intervention by Screech, and an easy victory for George.


I totally understand that some of you believe this whole race thing is a knock on Washington as a baseball town, that a real sports mecca with a budding powerhouse on the field would not spend time between innings on hair-pulling giant-headed nonsense. Fine, whatever.

We’ll see who’s laughing once Woodrow Wilson parachutes into the stadium to grab a default victory made possible by the relentless and nasty obsession of Bill for Teddy and vice versa.


(Images via this video, and this Vine. More contest at Let Teddy Win. Below image, with Taft staring Teddy the heck down during Friday’s exhibition, via @hamrickisms.)