Note: You are not allowed to read this and then pose serious questions or make bombastic remarks about the Wizards’ team nutrition strategies or the benefits of healthy eating. This isn’t serious journalism about dietary issues; this is just for fun.
Note: You are also not allowed to read this and say the Wizards should be focused more on winning and less on breakfast cereals. I asked them questions. They answered. These interviews took between 45 and 120 seconds each after a lengthy practice. They did not come at the expense of practice time.
Careful followers of the Wizards on Twitter have noticed what seems like a fairly enthusiastic appreciation of breakfast cereals in recent months.
“Ding ding breakfast is served,” Martell Webster wrote on Instagram, captioning a photo of Cap’n Crunch’s Peanut Butter Crunch.
“Dexter and fruit loops to start the morning,” Chris Singleton wrote on Twitter.
“Did my morning routine now what to eat for breakfast? Toaster strudel or cereal??” Singleton asked a different day.
“Hmmm what cereal should I destroy?” Singleton asked yet another time.
So I figured I should at least ask Singleton whether he likes breakfast cereal more than any of his teammates.
“You know, I haven’t really opened up that conversation,” he told me. “I mean, I would think I do.”
I think he’s wrong. Because Singleton’s weekly cereal serving consumption — “probably five times — at least five times,” he said — just can’t compare with what Trevor Booker does.
“I think I eat more cereal than anyone on the team,” Booker told me. “If you go to my pantry right now, I have at least 12 boxes of cereal.”
And how many servings does he go through in a week?
“Oooh. Let’s start with a day,” he said. “I’d say two to three bowls a day, so you do the calculations. Maybe up to 21 bowls a week.”
No way, I said.
“I promise you,” he insisted. “I love cereal.”
So, too, does Singleton.
“That’s how I grew up,” he said. “I’ve always been a big breakfast cereal guy.”
So, too, does Trevor Ariza.
“There’s stuff that you’ll never grow out of: cereal and Top Ramen,” Ariza said.
Booker agreed, when I asked if he would ever outgrow cereal; “I’m already grown,” he pointed out.
“I don’t know, I just grew up on cereal,” he added. “I used to eat it all day. And I’m still similar.”
Some people in the organization, though, have changed their cereal habits over time.
“I used to be a big breakfast cereal guy when I was young, but I can’t do that anymore,” Coach Randy Wittman said, after merrily upbraiding me for asking about this. “Have you ever heard of weight gain? When you get older you lose that metabolism. I don’t eat any cereal.”
“I don’t really eat cereal anymore,” Bradley Beal said, echoing his coach. “I’m not sure the last time I had it….I used to when I was younger. [Now] I want to have food food, rather than some grains in my system.”
Anyhow, I know what you’re all wondering. You want specific names.
“Top 5: Frosted Flakes No. 1, Apple Jacks, Cocoa Pebbles, Fruity Pebbles and then Honey Nut Cheerios on the health side,” Singleton said.
“I like Honeycomb, I like Froot Loops,” Ariza said. “Froot Loops is the bomb. I like Fruity Pebbles. Let me think. Cap’n Crunch, the Crunch Berries. Crunch Berries are unbelievable, except they tear up the roof of my mouth.”
“Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Corn Flakes, Frosted Mini-Wheats — those are my top three,” Booker said. “I just go in my pantry and just go down the line, see which one I’ve got a taste for.”
“If I do [eat cereal], I eat Lucky Charms or Cinnamon Toast Crunch,” Beal said, before noting that he’d rather eat Twizzlers or Skittles as a late-night snack.
“Big gummy worm guy,” he added.
I also asked Wittman if he had had a favorite back in his cereal years.
“Actually, Cap’n Crunch was, believe it or not,” he said, before loudly asking what has become of the modern sports media.
(With research assistance from @recordsANDradio.)