(Jonathan Newton / The Washington Post)

1) No, this isn’t news.

2) Yes, I know that you hate Vinny Cerrato. Not “you,” in the abstract sense, but you, the exact person who is reading this right now. I can tell. You hate him.

3) I’m posting this anyhow, because I’ve listened to it 14 times already, and it still amazes me. Just four short years after Vinny Cerrato was sent packing amid much rejoicing, just one year after Mike Shanahan and Robert Griffin III were the toast of the town, here now is a man — purporting to be a Redskins fan, purporting to hail from Washington — asking Cerrato to return to the Redskins. Asking nicely, too.

4) “It’s just a complete mess down here Vinny, we need you back buddy,” the caller says, without breaking into laughter. “Can you come back to D.C. and straighten this mess out?”

5) “Nope,” Cerrato replies. “I would love to, but no. I’ve got to stay here with Rob. I’ve got CCBC women’s hoops, man, I can’t. I can’t do it.”

6) Not that the caller was actually authorized to offer the job to Cerrato, but note, for the record, that he turned down the job because of an afternoon sports-talk show he hosts in Baltimore.

7) I don’t care if the caller was doing a bit. Because great theater is still great. In case you missed items four through six on this list, a man from Washington called into Vinny Cerrato’s radio show and asked whether he could come straighten out the Redskins’ mess.

8) “Wait! I want to draw a face at the top with its tongue sticking out,” as Kirillov shouted in Dostoevsky’s Devils. This actually had something to do with the existence of the divine, and free will, and establishing yourself as a self-sufficient human, and stuff like that, but I think it applies here about as well.

9) I missed the earlier segment, but there was also this, from Vinny. Maybe not in exact words, but close enough.


10) These are our lives, yours and mine. We’re listening to the ghosts of Redskins Past loudly gnaw on the bones of the most recent season’s corpse. I mean, they’re right outside our windows. Just a few days ago, the body was kind of warm, and the legs were still twitching. And now it’s cold, and gone, and there are vultures leaving bloody prints in the mushy sod, except vultures with really large teeth I guess, since I already said we could hear them gnawing, except back then (a few sentences ago) they were ghosts not vultures, so I guess we’re talking about toothy ghost vultures with the face of McNabb and the laugh of Cerrato and the smell of a used Portis costume, gnawing, gnawing, gnawing away.

11) It still isn’t news. And I know that you don’t care. I can hear you, off in the distance, screaming out at me about how little you care. But it’s hard to pay attention. The gnawing is so loud. They should make season corpses out of softer stuff. To lessen the noise.