Look, it’s objectively dumb to continue transcribing Colin Cowherd’s every minor utterance about John Wall.
The “Cowherd on Wall” niche is kind of like a child of mine at this point; I remember its infancy in 2010 (I can picture myself listening in awe in my old Silver Spring home the first time it happened), and its adolescence in 2013 and 2014 (back before my bosses took away my desk and forced me to sit in isolation, where I currently type) and its more subdued maturation in recent months.
Honestly, you don’t have a great excuse for continuing to read these things, unless you’re my editor, and even then you could skim. But I can’t just abandon this thing. We’ve come too far together.
Thus, this week, Cowherd was presented with the story of Wall skipping Saturday’s Wizards preseason game for a very personal and meaningful reason. This was presented to Cowherd as evidence of Wall growing up and “becoming a really good guy.”
“Well, I think he’s always been a good guy,” Cowherd responded. “That’s never been my question. Yeah, he’s a good guy, and I have no problem with stars missing NBA preseason games. I really don’t. I mean, be there for the playoffs. I don’t even have a problem with stars missing regular season games. Again, be available when it counts. …
“I’ve never had a problem with John Wall being a guy,” Cowherd then said. “I didn’t like his stupid dance. I have no opinion on John Wall, I really don’t; I’m just ambiguous. He’s a point guard in the NBA, about the fourth-best. You guys bring up stories; I have no opinion on him. People in D.C. barely care about the Wizards. I don’t care at all about them.”
I believe this is probably true: that Cowherd does not go home and think very much about John Wall, as opposed to, say, whether Cocoa Krispies are an acceptable substitute for Rice Krispies in Rice Krispies Treats. (They’re not; they’re cloyingly sweet, ruining the entire recipe.) But I believe he must have thought at some point that talking about John Wall made for good radio, and so he probably doesn’t even remember some of the things he’s said about John Wall, such as:
● “Not a sharp guy. All about him…..Folks, when you rob a bank, it’s not just the act of it, it’s that you sat down for weeks and planned it. That tells me you’re an idiot.”
● “Point guard is like the quarterback. it’s an IQ-judgment position. The great ones are not about themselves. They’re about the others. Leadership is IQ, it’s not skills….He’s gonna end up on the Iverson, Francis, Starbury [side]: great stats, nine All-Star teams, never play with good smart players and an elite head coach. He’s gonna drive people nuts.”
● “You know, John Wall and Vick are very similar. I”m not disputing their talent. I mean, Michael Vick and John Wall are fun to watch. But building my franchise around him, leadership position? I’m not giving Vick four-year deals, I’m not giving him $40 mil. No way. No. Way.”
● “I don’t think he’s the smartest kid on the block. I think he’s got poor judgment.”
● “He is a dynamic, freaky fast talent, who has matured a ton, but walked into this league wildly immature with regrettable judgment, shown by the Dougie. And five years later, the only thing I don’t like about him is his judgment!”
● “When John Wall came out and did the Dougie, first home game, for 34 seconds, he was a moron. It’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen. I will never back down.”
● “If that is deep in you, that something told you — even if you were egged on — to do that and it was a good call, first home game, you’re just not going to be my guy. That’s idiotic. That’s bad judgment.”
Colin Cowherd is, without question, more opinionated about someone he has no opinion about than I have ever been about any topic in my entire life, with the possible exception of beer (it’s good) and mushrooms (they’re disgusting) and sports-radio transcripts (they should be avoided at all cost).