(Via the Wizards)
(Via the Wizards)

Last year’s hot Wizards giveaway was the Marcin Gortat action figure, which I — like so many thousands of other collectible-addled D.C. sports fans — dutifully trooped to Verizon Center to acquire. Scott — who’s even more pitiful than I am when it comes to D.C. sports-themed collectibles — said it was the best Wizards giveaway in a half-decade.

But here’s the thing about the Gortat action figure — and this also holds for the Jayson Werth chia pet: In the final analysis, the best thing you can say for these items is that they’re entirely, strangely, disturbingly unique.

Now, this is no small thing. There are hardly any humans in the world who own an action figure featuring a caped codpierce-wearing 7-foot tall bald Polish muscular basketball player. Likewise for a kind of nasty-looking desk sculpture covered with green stuff that kind of resembles a bearded 30-something outfielder, if you squint really really really really hard, and then ingest a pint glass-full of hallucinogens.

But once the novelty has worn off, you’re left with a kind of nasty-looking desk sculpture covered with gross green stuff. Like, look at this thing. Tell me your first instinct wouldn’t be to spray it with a few gallons of weed killer, and then burn it just to be sure the devil-bearing vines don’t return. Especially that one really long tendril. Barf.

The Gortat action figure, meanwhile, looks pretty cool, but he falls over all the time. I mean, all the time. My man has no sense of balance at all. And on a desk or table full of bobbleheads, he just looks small and skinny and tiny-headed and out of place.

Which is not to say teams shouldn’t experiment with their giveaways. You never know whether something will work, right up until the creeping green devil vines begin to tickle the player sculpture’s brown nostrils. I’m just saying there’s also probably a place for more traditional giveaway items.

Like a snow globe, for example.

Hey, the Wizards are giving away snowglobes on Dec. 23. Which is really the point of this item. But I didn’t want to shortchange you any words.

Other Wizards giveaways this season: a schedule magnet and t-shirt on Oct. 31, a team poster on Dec. 6, and a John Wall bobblehead on April 10, which is also fan appreciation day.

There are other promotional days, but these are the important giveaways.

(Via Wiz Happy Hour)