(All images via TBS)

“American Dad,” the uproariously funny animated Seth MacFarlane program, whose absence from my life has cost me untold moments of hilarity, took on D.C. sports yet again this week, with uproariously funny results. Whoo baby. Still laughing. People bleeding and vomiting on the Kiss Cam is my kind of humor.

The uproariously funny program, set in Northern Virginia and featuring a testosterone-obsessed father, has previously included a trip to Nats Park in which players wore a Curly N logo, and a John Riggins-inspired episode that the real John Riggins thought was “actually quite funny, to be honest with you.”

In the latest episode, which I watched as a service to my swell readers, protagonist Stan Smith buys his wife a full package of Nats season tickets, and hijinx ensue. There can be nothing more tedious than an over-serious middle-aged sportswriter pointing out eccentricities in an animated portrayal of a local sports team, but hey, I have nothing else going on. So here you go.

PAPER TICKETS

In this glorious animated alien-filled universe, Nats season ticket holders still receive a booklet filled with paper tickets. Good for them. Real season ticket holders will be jealous. Wonder if their seats are behind the new netting?


THE CURLY W

The bad Curly N from 2011 has been replaced with a mostly accurate Curly W, although some of its uses in the episode appear more Senators-era straight-W than Nats. Incidentally, I have a policy against wearing the logos of local sports teams, for objectivity reasons, but I’ve decided it’s okay to wear Senators gear, since I don’t and haven’t covered the Senators. So I’m a non-Curly W type of guy, mostly. I need more defunct local teams to support.


THE NATS PARK ENTRANCE

I’m not sure that I’ve ever entered through left field, but this actually looks familiar. Needs more lines and metal detectors, though.


THE KISS CAM

Now you just hold on here, “American Dad.” What is this “Times” business? Last time I checked, the Nats Park scoreboard featured logos of PNC Bank, Coca-Cola, Miller Lite and The Washington Post. If you’re going with generic terms, shouldn’t the top left read “Newspaper.” Or “Content Production Company?” Using “Times” just feels like an intentional slight. By the way, I wonder if that bottom left panel will still promote Miller Lite this year. I wonder.

Also, our universe has never invented a funnier gag than a straight man being shown with another man on the Kiss Cam. That just slays every time. Look at his face! He’s kissing another man! Have you ever seen such a thing!


AL HRABOSKY

The Nats have apparently signed 66-year-old broadcaster Al Hrabosky in the offseason. He would immediately become more popular than Jonathan Papelbon.


JAYSON WERTH’S BEHIND

Also shown: this dashing infielder. No real guesses. There was, however, some dialog about an actual Nats player.

Stan: “Check out Jayson Werth in right field; he’s got [booty] for days.”

Wife: “I think you’re hotter than he is.”

Stan: “Can’t we agree on anything. Compared to that fresh cut of meat I’m a double scoop of dog [waste].”

This was one of the higher-minded bits of dialog in the program.


MOUNTAINS

At some point, Stan is banned from Nats Park for assaulting the Kiss Cam operator. When he’s ejected, he somehow manages to find himself in the middle of the Appalachians. I guess maybe these are the hills of Anacostia. Now let’s all feel proud of our geographic knowledge of southern D.C.


THE FRONT OFFICE

Stan’s hilarious scheme for gaining re-entry to Nats Park involves moving to Cuba, working in the fields, playing pickup games, fighting through the minors, re-learning English, getting signed by the Yankees, using steroids, becoming ruined, and then being signed as a reclamation project by the Nats. More or less. This eventually offers us a view inside an important Nats board room, where team leaders evidently use the CBS Sports fantasy football draft board to track free agents, and eat donuts. So….maybe? Not sure which one here is Mike Rizzo.


THE END

Other baseball elements in the episode include the introduction of spaghetti-in-a-baseball-cap-cup deal inside the club level, which seems feasible; the donation of $500 to Arby’s after every triple play, which might already happen for all I know; the pulling of a pitcher named Martinez after only 80 pitches with the Nats just a game back of the wild card, which at least sounds familiar; and the featured couple leaving a game early and finding exactly zero cars on the road. That was possibly the most hilarious moment from this truly hilarious episode, which also featured people bleeding and vomiting on the Kiss Cam.