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Russell Wilson introduces us to the one, true miracle cure: ‘NanoBubbles’!

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Over the course of human history, people have been promised to be cured of their ills by a variety of elixirs. But inevitably, these miracle tonics are exposed as so many variations on snake oil.

However, in what has to be considered a development with major implications for mankind, a miracle cure has emerged — and it’s available for only $3 a bottle! But wait, you ask, how do we know this is the one, true elixir?

Because it prevented Russell Wilson from getting a concussion on a vicious shot to the head from one of the NFL’s most fearsome defenders. Here is what the Seahawks quarterback had to say in a lengthy profile in Rolling Stone:

“I banged my head during the Packers game in the playoffs, and the next day I was fine,” says Wilson. “It was the water.”

The “water” to which Wilson referred is Recovery Water, a product in which Wilson was pretty smart to invest, considering that people with all sorts of maladies will now be clamoring for it. After all, the play on which he “banged his head” was more like a play in which he nearly got decapitated by Clay Matthews:

In the Rolling Stone piece, Wilson’s agent tries to interject with, “Well, we’re not saying we have real medical proof.” But Wilson would have none of that wishy-washiness. “I know it works,” he asserted, adding, “Soon you’re going to be able to order it straight from Amazon.”

Okay, I think we’ve all said things to Rolling Stone reporters we didn’t really mean. But given a chance to revise his statements in the wake of the article getting published, Wilson doubled down on Twitter.

Aha! So that’s what does it: “NanoBubbles.” See, you were probably thinking that Wilson was taking a faith-based approach to his choice of sports drink, similar to his approach to having sex with Ciara (God told him not to to do it).

But no, there’s actual science here. The beverage’s Web site explains it thusly:

“Recovery Water is infused with charged nano-structures, which are proven safe to consume and highly effective in promoting healthy cells.”

With those charged nano-structures, the company says its product “will help reduce pain and inflammation from your active lifestyle; accelerate recovery from injury and muscle related stress; decrease fatigue for higher energy during activity; speed muscle recovery after activity; and deliver better hydration and an increased sense of well-being.”

The folks at Recovery Water cite a pair of studies that “found that those who integrated Recovery Water into their active lifestyle experienced less muscle damage and 20% decrease in muscle fatigue.” Oddly, they don’t say anything about avoiding concussions on crunching head shots by 255-pound, Pro Bowl linebackers — nor did they re-tweet the claim made by their high-profile endorser — but they’re probably just being modest.

However, plenty of folks did come forward on the Internet to share their own stories of what the “NanoBubbles” had done for them.

In all seriousness, here’s hoping that there aren’t other football players out there who think that a sports drink can help them avoid brain injuries.