Nowhere to go but up after last week’s unpleasantness.

IMPORTANT NOTE: What follows is — at best — a superficial look at each matchup, and if you’re using these trends as the sole basis for your picks then you probably aren’t going to do well. So don’t do that. Instead, add these trends to your overall knowledge base as you go about your selections.

NEW FOR 2016: I’ll make against-the-spread picks for each game, because the world needs laughter.

Last week’s record: 5-10 (ugh).

Year to date: 28-35 (ugh).

All times EDT, and all games Sunday unless noted. Spreads taken Thursday afternoon from the consensus odds at VegasInsider.com, and thanks to Bet Labs for a bunch of these trends.

AD

CARDINALS (-3.5) AT 49ERS

Time, TV: 8:25 p.m. Thursday, CBS/NFL Network.

Arizona: With Drew Stanton at quarterback, the Cardinals have gone 6-0 ATS at home but just 3-4 ATS on the road. This is just the second time Stanton ever has been favored.

AD

San Francisco: Since the start of last season, underdogs are 37-24-1 ATS in prime-time games (though they went 0-3 ATS last week and are just 7-5 ATS this season).

Pick: 49ers.

TEXANS (+6.5) AT VIKINGS

Time, TV: 1 p.m., CBS.

Houston: The Texans are 10-23 ATS as road underdogs coming off a straight-up win.

Minnesota: Vikings Coach Mike Zimmer is 28-9 ATS in his career. Against an opponent coming off a straight-up win, he’s 11-2 ATS.

AD

Pick: Vikings.

TITANS (+3.5) AT DOLPHINS

Time, TV: 1 p.m., CBS.

Tennessee: Underdogs are 68-39 ATS in the last 107 games involving the Dolphins.

Miami: The Dolphins are 1-7 ATS in their last eight games as home favorites.

Pick: Dolphins.

PATRIOTS (-10.5) AT BROWNS

Time, TV: 1 p.m., CBS.

New England: The Patriots are 0-6 ATS in their last six games as double-digit road favorites, last covering such a spread in 2007.

AD

Cleveland: Winless teams are 10-5 ATS against the Patriots with Tom Brady as their quarterback. Since 2003, double-digit home underdogs are 33-16 ATS against conference opponents.

Pick: Browns.

JETS (+7) AT STEELERS

Time, TV: 1 p.m., CBS.

New York: Since 2010, the Jets are 10-3 ATS as underdogs of at least seven points.

AD

Pittsburgh: Under Coach Mike Tomlin, the Steelers are 14-22 ATS after a straight-up win of at least 14 points and 8-15 ATS after a straight up win of at least 14 points at home. If they are favorites of at least seven points after a straight-up win, they are 9-15-1 ATS.

Pick: Jets.

REDSKINS (+4) AT RAVENS

Time, TV: 1 p.m., Fox.

Washington: With Kirk Cousins at quarterback, the Redskins are 7-3 ATS in their last 10 games as underdogs.

Baltimore: With Joe Flacco at quarterback, the Ravens are 11-6 ATS as a favorite vs. NFC teams.

AD

Pick: Redskins.

EAGLES (-3) AT LIONS

Time, TV: 1 p.m., Fox.

Philadelphia: Since 2003, teams coming off a bye are 179-144 ATS against teams playing on normal rest. Undefeated teams coming off a bye have gone 23-13 ATS.

AD

Detroit: With Matthew Stafford at quarterback, the Lions are 5-8 ATS as home underdogs.

Pick: Lions.

BEARS (+4.5) AT COLTS

Time, TV: 1 p.m., Fox.

Chicago: Teams with Bryan Hoyer at quarterback are 11-6 ATS as underdogs.

Indianapolis: The Colts are 17-5 ATS after a loss with Andrew Luck at quarterback.

Pick: Colts.

FALCONS (+5.5) AT BRONCOS

Time, TV: 4:05 p.m., Fox.

Atlanta: With Matt Ryan at quarterback, the Falcons are 18-24-1 ATS after a straight-up home win. If that straight-up win was by seven or more points, they are 7-17 ATS in their following game. If they scored more than 30 points in that straight-up win, they are 6-16 ATS in their next game.

AD
AD

Denver: Teams that start 4-0 and then play their next game at home are 10-6-1 ATS.

Pick: Broncos.

BILLS (+2.5) AT RAMS

Time, TV: 4:25 p.m., CBS.

Buffalo: Since 1991, teams coming off a road win in which they held their opponent scoreless are 42-25-6 ATS in their next game, and teams coming off wins in which they held an opponent scoreless as road underdogs are 14-6 ATS in their next game. If that team is a road underdog again in its following game, it’s gone 8-2 ATS.

Los Angeles: In the last 47 games involving the Bills, the true home team is 30-17 ATS.

Pick: Bills.

CHARGERS (+3.5) AT RAIDERS

Time, TV: 4:25 p.m., CBS.

San Diego: This season, road underdogs in division games are 9-5 ATS. Since 2003, they are 440-370 ATS.

AD

Oakland: Since 2005, the Raiders are a dismal 5-22 ATS as home favorites.

Pick: Chargers.

AD

BENGALS (-1) AT COWBOYS

Time, TV: 4:25 p.m., CBS.

Cincinnati: The Bengals are 9-1 ATS in their last 10 road games.

Dallas: The Cowboys are 6-4 ATS as home underdogs in their last 10 games without Tony Romo at quarterback.

Pick: Bengals.

GIANTS (+7.5) AT PACKERS

Time, TV: 8:30 p.m., NBC.

New York: So long as they’re not favored by at least 3.5 points, the Giants are 45-29 ATS on the road since 2009.

Green Bay: Since 2003, teams coming off a bye are just 6-16 ATS against teams playing on short rest. However, with Mike McCarthy as their coach, the Packers are 9-1 ATS coming off the bye.

Pick: Giants.

BUCS (+7) AT PANTHERS

Time, TV: 8:30 p.m. Monday, ESPN.

Tampa Bay: This season, road underdogs in division games are 9-5 ATS. Since 2003, they are 440-370 ATS.

Carolina: With Cam Newton at quarterback, the Panthers are 4-7 ATS in primetime games.

Pick: Bucs.

AD
AD