Also, soup is a fun word to say. Soup soup soup.
But for all their digging, the ESPN scribes either were unable to discover or were not at liberty to divulge the type of soup that was thrown, which is a key detail. Was it gazpacho, leaving Jones cold and clammy but unburned? A chunky clam chowder, New England for peak stickiness or Manhattan for a more tomato-y assault? Ramen, with the boiled egg providing bonus artillery? Split pea, which is a garbage soup that should be thrown away anyway?
Was it a stew? Oh man, that changes everything.
And this is where I step in, even though I do not have one single contact within the Cleveland Cavaliers organization and have made no attempt to acquire one in the eight minutes I’ve spent thinking about this post. Nevertheless, I’m going to wager that J.R. Smith threw a bowl of bone broth at Damon Jones, and it was all because of Kobe Bryant.
Do not misunderstand me: The Los Angeles Lakers great had nothing directly to do with Smith’s soup attack. I bet he was thousands of miles away from Cleveland, enjoying retirement. But back in January 2015, ESPN’s Baxter Holmes wrote a story about how Bryant was trying to squeeze every last drop out of his already-long NBA career with the help of bone broth, which is made by simmering animal bones for a number of hours and had a momentary spasm of popularity before it was replaced by designer toast or albino avocados or whatever the hell bored weirdos moved on to.
Baxter reported that Bryant had been including bone broth in his diet for the previous three years, to the point where the Lakers made sure it was available to him on road trips. He said it helped him recover from the vigors of being a professional athlete in his late 30s.
“I’ve been doing the bone broth for a while now,” Bryant said. “It’s great — energy, inflammation. It’s great.”
And hey, if bone broth worked for Kobe — a certain Hall of Famer and one of the greatest players of all time — it probably would work for a whole bunch of other NBA players. At least that’s how I’m picturing their logic. Which is why I think J.R. Smith threw a bowl of bone broth at Damon Jones.
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