Behold, the David Akers you thought you knew: NFL Europe kicker turned Philadelphia Eagles standby, maker of a 63-yard field goal before a quiet retirement.

Now, meet the David Akers of today: greatest troll in the land, god among men, American hero.

He announced the Eagles’ second round draft choice Thursday night — Philadelphia’s first pick in the draft because it traded its first round selection to Baltimore — and used his bully pulpit to verbally abuse the city of Dallas, before announcing the selection, whose name is also Dallas.

Let’s take this whole speech one step at a time.

  • Akers reminds Dallas fans that Philadelphia hosted the NFL draft last year and packed downtown Philadelphia with fans.
  • He trolls the NFL draft as an institution. Akers was an undrafted free agent out of Louisville and was cut by the Falcons, Panthers and Redskins, before packing up to play for the Berlin Thunder of NFL Europe.
  • He runs through the Eagles 2017 résumé — NFC East champs, conference champs and, yes, Super Bowl champs — all as the boos get louder.
  • While he’s doing it, he’s dressed like an accountant, eyes bugging out from behind his glasses. It looks like your dad just beasted you in one-on-one basketball and is letting the whole neighborhood know about it.
  • And then this gem: “Hey Dallas, the last time you were in a Super Bowl, these draft picks weren’t born.”
  • Then things started going downhill. He stumbled through a little preamble about welcoming someone to the Eagles family, then something about how “the NFL would like to represent the Philadelphia Eagles.” Oh well. It didn’t phase him.
  • “Dallas Goedert!” he shouts, in a way where you can’t tell if he realizes the irony behind this dude’s name.
  • “Go birds!” he says with a salute before leaving the stage.

Not bad, David Akers, you hero. Not bad at all.

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