After nearly a decade away from the reality television cameras, Kristin Cavallari made her return with Sunday night’s premiere of “Very Cavallari” on E! Ostensibly, the show is about the former “Laguna Beach” star’s attempt to get a brick-and-mortar location in Nashville for her Uncommon James lifestyle brand. But based on the first episode, it’s also going to be something of a showcase of Cavallari’s husband, possibly retired NFL quarterback Jay Cutler, who comes off exactly how you thought he would: charmingly, relentlessly apathetic.
The show attempts to answer the question of Cutler’s NFL status after he spurned the Fox Sports broadcast booth to play for the Miami Dolphins in 2017. Will he play this season? After dumping a cooler full of elk meat on the kitchen counter, as one does, he reveals his perfectly Cutlerian answer: Eh, maybe?
Cavallari: “But seriously, what do you do all day?”
Cutler: “I like to keep myself pretty free so if something does pop up, I’ll bounce right into it.”
Cavallari: “So you think you’re 100 percent done with football?”
Cutler: “I mean, I can’t say 100. Probably.”
Cavallari: “When will you know if you’re 100 percent?”
Cavallari continues this line of conversation about Cutler’s future during another point in the episode, and he parries away her questions with admirable insouciance.
Cavallari: “I don’t think you could be happy doing what you’re doing for the rest of your life, so have you thought about — when you do get bored — what you’re going to do?”
Cutler (shaking his head): “Yeah, no.”
Cavallari (clearly exasperated): “Okay, well, maybe you should.”
Curtler: “I’m not really looking to do a lot of work right now. I’m looking to do the exact opposite of that.”
The man christened Smokin’ Jay Cutler in a billion memes clearly is some kind of marital ninja. He was born for this.
Cutler also did a number of other things in the episode, (as recounted by the Chicago Tribune’s Tracy Swartz), among them: “Explained why he doesn’t wear heels,” “told his wife he would shop at her store but there may be days when no one else will” and “claimed he picks out 98 percent of Cavallari’s clothes.” In next week’s episode, he apparently watches a live stream of deer feeding themselves and then names all the deer. This is something he apparently does for extended periods during the day, when his kids are at school.
“I would love to sit here and say that I am not afraid of Jay, but I honestly am,” one of Cavallari’s assistants, Shannon Ford, says during the episode. “I don’t even look Jay in the eyes anymore because I am honestly afraid that he’ll steal my soul.”
It’s too late, Shannon. Our football-starved souls have been stolen. Jay Cutler will get us through this final dark month to training camp and then the season. May he stay retired and bored forever.
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