Good news! Fall came one day earlier this year than 2016, when the pumpkin spice latte, or PSL, launched on Sept. 6. And Starbucks chose to debut it in a super-fun Facebook live-stream parody of April the Giraffe — remember her? Except instead of a baby giraffe, viewers to the stream, which launched Friday, were promised a chance to watch the birth of a pumpkin spice latte. So cute!!
More than 1,500 people tuned in through various parts of the broadcast, which lasted more than 80 hours, to see their favorite drink be welcomed into the world like a newborn kitten. Kittens, too, played a part in the broadcast, which was full of tricks from those magical Starbucks wizards. They posted pumpkin “facts” (“Did you know? The past tense of pumpkins spice latte is pumpkinseed spice latte”), and teased viewers with the number 756, which some viewers suspected was “PSL upside down” (it wasn’t). Others claimed it was the secret code for getting an early PSL (it wasn’t, but some friendly baristas across the country jumped the gun and began serving them over the weekend).
Oh jeez, here we go again. It’s that time of the year when everyone loses their minds about some overly sweet, heavily nutmegged expensive coffee. Can’t we just enjoy these last few weeks of summer? We have all of autumn to drink this nonsense.
And don’t get me started on the people who spent hours of their life watching a Facebook video of a pumpkin sitting on a nest. People who argued in the comments about whether to name the pumpkin Priscilla. People who discussed the health of the mother pumpkin and compared it with their own experiences giving birth (shout-out to the commenter who kept warning Starbucks that the fog machine was not good for the baby pumpkin spice). People who thought 756, the cryptic code Starbucks kept using, was “PSL” upside down (IT’S NOT, THE “P” IS BACKWARDS, COME ON PEOPLE). And then, the anti-climactic big reveal, after people in different pockets of the country had already spent the weekend bragging that they were already getting their PSLs from baristas willing to break the rules.
Poor, miserable baristas. They’ve already started a support group on Reddit to commiserate about the crowds and PSL-loving clientele. And while there’s something casually cruel about labeling legging-wearing, PSL-drinking white girls as “basic”— well, you have to admit, the drink has a type.
Poor, miserable us, the non-drinkers of pumpkin spice. And we’ll have to do it all over again near the holidays, when the red cups come in. And then in the spring, with whatever godforsaken rainbow atrocity replaces the Unicorn Frappuccino. Bye, Fall-icia.