Hello, Doritos product development team! It is I, a Lady, and I’m here to participate in your focus group about Lady snacking habits. OMG so excited!!!
How often do I eat chips? Well, I only eat them when I am alone, laugh-crying while wearing fuzzy slippers and watching “The Bachelor,” and there are no men nearby to see my shame. I sure wish I could eat chips more often, but it’s so difficult to avoid the embarrassment of being a Lady who eats chips. I know I’m only supposed to eat salad, but the Doritos tempt me so. Now you know my terrible secret.
What do I like about chips? Hmm, I guess I like how they are small and petite, like me! I like how the bags are shiny and have bright colors. Though I know that chips are not technically meant for Ladies like me because their bags are never pink. If only there were chips that came in a pink bag, so I would know that gentle Ladies like myself could consume them with dignity!
What do I not like about chips? Well, it’s awfully hard to find a man willing to marry me when I make all of these grotesque crunching noises. Goodness, gracious: the horrible, unnatural, unladylike sounds of mastication — a man should never have to endure those noises coming from a female human. I’m sure they can hardly bear it.
And the dust! Oh, the dust. I get a manicure every single day — sometimes twice a day — and the orange dust of Doritos just sullies my pristine fingertips. Perhaps you could invent some disposable lace gloves for chip-eating? I mean, I know women aren’t supposed to be eating chips in the first place. Forgive me. It’s probably a bad idea, like all other ideas that come out of my little Lady brain!
Have I ever eaten dust directly out of the bag? Heavens, no. What kind of a girl do you think I am? I’m not a trollop, a strumpet. How dare you assume.
Anyway, sirs. On the rare occasions that I do shame-eat chips while sobbing uncontrollably, there is one problem. The bags are just so terribly big. They don’t fit in my purse, what with all the lipsticks and tampons and perfumes and hair ties and teacup Pomeranians and pumpkin spice lattes that have to fit in there already. They are so hard to open, those bags — I have the grip strength of a newborn puppy. I would ask a man to open the bag for me — men open most containers for me — but then he would know I eat chips, and he would never marry me. The bags are also so heavy. I am frail, like a baby bird, and I fear that carrying a Doritos bag for too long would shatter all of my toothpick bones.
In fact, it would be better to have chips that didn’t need to be eaten at all. Maybe you could invent some chip-scented air that I could just breathe? It would give me all the flavors of chips and none of the calories! I probably don’t need to tell you that I’m always on a diet. I want to lose three pounds.
Well, it sure is nice to get away from the constant cooking and cleaning and nurturing I do to talk to you gentlemen. No one has ever listened to me prattle on for this long before. I hope that my comments will be of some use to you as you work on developing new snacks that women can eat in private until they trick men into marrying them and have to give up eating forever. Good luck!
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