Everton striker Wayne Rooney and his wife, Coleen, could be headed to Washington. But what should they do when they get here? (Paul Ellis/AFP/Getty Images)

Now that English soccer star Wayne Rooney appears to be on his way to D.C. United, you can expect British tabloids to take more interest in the goings-on in Washington. (Rooney does, as Scott Allen pointed out, have 17.2 million Twitter followers, more than all D.C. sports stars combined, and his wife, Coleen Rooney, has 1.32 million of her own.)

To get the ball rolling, the Daily Mirror has already published “A guide to Washington DC for Wayne Rooney and Coleen,” which suggests the celebrity couple should dine on “New England clam chowder or Maine Lobster roll” at Capital Grille, or head to Fat Pete's BBQ, which is a poke at Wayne's problems staying in shape. The happy hour suggestion is Local 16, which hasn't been cool for years. (Maybe that's the point?) It also suggests Coleen should shop at Violet in Shaw, and “for Wayne, there are 11 GAP shops in the DC area, including an outlet centre at Oxon Hill-Glassmanor.”

Wayne Rooney. At the Tanger Outlets. That's about as likely as Everton winning the Premier League next year.

Our own suggestions for the Rooneys would be a bit different, mostly because we didn't quickly Google “restaurants in D.C.” If Wayne wants to know where to enjoy a bevvie and a late-night snack, we have plenty of ideas.

Paparazzi have frequently photographed Wayne and Coleen at Manchester's Rosso, an Italian restaurant owned by former Manchester United teammate Rio Ferdinand. There are no D.C. United-owned eateries here, but maybe Wayne could do a LeBron and commandeer his own room at Cafe Milano?

For something less formal, Wayne's a fan of chippies -- shops selling fish and chips -- so we'd send him to Eamonn's, A Dublin Chipper in Alexandria, which is as close as you're going to get to a classic chippie in this area. Alternatively, we could introduce him to the District's take: The massive fried fish sandwiches at Horace and Dickie's, which are great after a late night of drinking. If he misses meat pies and pasties, there's the award-winning Pure Pasty in Vienna.

When it comes to drinks, there's no messing about: the Queen Vic on H Street has all the European lagers and English ales a footballer needs. (When Wayne's hero Paul Gascoigne, another English legend, almost signed for D.C. United back in 2002, he sank beers for hours at Capitol Lounge. Somehow, I don't see Wayne doing that.) Judging by some of the bars where Wayne has been caught by photographers in the past, he might like Sax, where the cocktails and bottle service come with a side of aerialists, fire-breathers and dancers.

And if he wants to follow boyhood club Everton, the D.C. Toffees supporters club would surely welcome him to their weekly game-watching parties at Fado this fall.

Wayne likes live music — he was seen at a bar taking in a cover band, “singing along to 'Wonderwall' and dancing on tables” before he was caught drunk-driving in September, according to the Mirror — so we'd suggest checking out a concert by '90s cover kings White Ford Bronco, who not only know Oasis songs, but also perform the Spice Girls' “Wannabe.” Because what we really, really want is D.C. United lifting the Supporters Shield at Audi Field.