“It really is a true honor to be with all of you…as you embark on this exciting and challenging journey of being sober during the day.”

That’s actress Maya Rudolph opening her commencement speech at Tulane University earlier this month. (She closed with this Beyoncé-esque rendition of the national anthem.)

In this video, watch the funniest* lines from this year’s commencement speeches, including clips from Ed Helms at the University of Virginia, Stephen Colbert at Wake Forest University and former President George W. Bush at Southern Methodist University.

After watching hours and hours of commencement speeches, here are the CliffsNotes (is that still a thing?) for 2015 grads:

  • You’re obsessed with your phones.
  • Old people think you’re lazy.
  • The truth is you’re being dumped into an impossible situation, and you’re screwed.
  • But believe in yourself, and it’ll all work out.

*A note on Matthew McConaughey: The Oscar-winning actor delivered a bizarre speech at the University of Houston that was more “funny-huh?” than “funny-haha.” A spokeswoman for the school told The Washington Post it was not allowed to record the speech, but you can watch a bad cellphone video of part of it here, or read the full text here. Bring a blanket and some rations – it’s long and rambling.