With the launch of Blake Lively’s new lifestyle site, Preserve, and the requisite comparisons to Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop, we started wondering: Why are there no carefully curated sites “run” by male celebrities? Surely, there must be some wisdom they feel moved to offer on how to live, which pitfalls to avoid, and what overpriced workout we should be adhering to, complete with personalized diet plan.
There’s just so much potential celebrity genius waiting to be unlocked and thrust upon the world. Hugh Hefner can’t be the only man telling men how to live, which is why we’ve imagined and compiled a list of concepts for hypothetical lifestyle sites, freshly plucked from the minds of some of the country’s most intriguing male stars.
Site name: | | (There is no name, because Yeezy is nowhere and everywhere all the time. When you need it, the site will come to you.)
Target audience: Haters. So, everyone, basically.
Signature style: Pretty much anything he thinks Jay Z will approve of interspersed with Persian rugs with cherub imagery.
Products contractually obligated to shill: Anything Givenchy; anything made by Riccardo Tisci, even if it makes your pregnant fiancee resemble your grandma’s sofa; limited re-release of Lisa Frank Trapper Keepers, in conjunction with the fifth anniversary of the “Bound 2” video (platinum-plated binder rings extra); leather sweatpants; $150 towel to go with said sweatpants because they really do make you sweat; the Ye-Phone, a gold-plated iPhone customized to alert you round-the-clock of the proximity of those who do not care about black people.
Advice dispensed: Don’t worry if the president calls you a jackass. At least he knows your name. How to become the next Steve Jobs, after Yeezy, of course.
Diet to be leveraged into best-selling cookbook: Croissants, obviously.
Estimated shelf life: Maybe we can make it to Christmas.
Site name: Swirl/Stalk
Target audience: Adam Levine, Nice Guys™.
Signature style: Beetlejuice suits, anything designed to make the wearer resemble a strip club manager who just exited a baby oil factory.
Products contractually obligated to shill: Overpriced designer condoms, whatever alcoholic beverage becomes popular once people finally get tired of Ciroc and Moscato, the salt left behind once the tears he cried over losing Paula eventually evaporated, Mylar balloons that advertise the size of your junk.
Advice dispensed: If you’re going to stick your hand up the dress of a woman who is not your wife, make sure you’re A) not in front of a mirror, B) not in public and C) not smiling for a picture. When VH1 invites you to participate in a hashtag chat, make like Nancy Reagan and Just Say No.
Diet to be leveraged into best-selling cookbook: All of Paula’s favorite foods. Just in case she comes back.
Estimated shelf life: Judging from the dismal sales of “Paula,” five days — long enough for a magazine intern to order the products, review them, and deem them completely ineffectual, except for Robin’s Tear-Salted Caramels, which were actually somewhat tasty.
Site name: Collection Plate
Target audience: The church usher council. Also the deacons. Any patriarch who has modeled for a photograph that appears on the back of a church fan.
Signature style: Seriously? Have you seen Steve Harvey?
Products contractually obligated to shill: A capsule collection of Stacy Adams gators, that tailor who makes suits for your uncle an’em, Blue Magic hair grease, a separate capsule collection of Family Feud suits just for Men’s Wearhouse.
Advice dispensed: How to turn your best-selling condescending mansplainer of a book into a charming romantic comedy that people actually like; how to pull off a double-breasted eight-button suit.
Diet to be leveraged into best-selling cookbook: All the recipes that won Hoodie Awards.
Estimated shelf life: However long you initially expected? Double that. Then add 10 years.
A joint venture by Mel Gibson, Gary Oldman and Alec Baldwin
Site name: Harumph
Target audience: Not Jews. Not women. Definitely not Nancy Pelosi. Not gays. Best eliminate blacks, too. And cops. Sooooo, whoever’s left, after that.
Signature style: Whatever you’re most comfortable wearing to dress down the plebe who dared cross you. High probability of dad jeans, accessorized with a scowl.
Products contractually obligated to shill: Hollow apologies written by studio flacks, your own projects when no one wants to work with you anymore.
Advice given: Just shut up until you’ve made all the money you want to make, and then you can say whatever you want.
Diet, to be leveraged into best-selling cookbook: The anger diet, in which you lose weight by giving yourself a peptic ulcer! Key dishes: bad decision salads, rage entrées, accompanied by condiments of righteous indignation. To be consumed with single-malt scotch and followed by beta blockers and a handful of antacids.
Estimated shelf life: Perpetuity, as there will always be a phalanx of grumpy actors to take their places.
Site name: New Black
Target audience: Vainglorious Dorian Gray wannabe hipsters.
Signature style: Anything that should be impossible for a 41-year-old man to pull off. See: ridiculous hats.
Products contractually obligated to shill: $5,000/ounce face cream made from unicorn tears and virgin’s blood, so that you too, can never age; bespoke millinery; personally-designed skateboards; neck tattoo templates; short suits that in reality, will only ever look good on Pharrell.
Advice dispensed: Upgrade your phone to the latest iOS so that you can duck Robin Thicke when he inevitably calls asking for another hit record, try not to anger feminists, especially black ones. In the event that black feminists attempt a wig-snatching, make sure you have a black wife to trot out as proof of your commitment to serving and appreciating women of color. Don’t worry about any of that stuff anyway, because no one will remember as long as you cry on “Oprah.”
Diet to be leveraged into best-selling cookbook: More virgin blood and unicorn tears, whipped into convenient smoothies for when you’ve just got to get to the studio to lay down a track. Probably macrobiotic.
Estimated shelf life: Unclear, because this Web site will probably look exactly the same in 20 years and still be just as alluring.
Neil Patrick Harris
Site name: Hunty
Target audience: Anyone who aspires to look this good in fishnets.
Signature style: Anything that will accentuate the fact that you could cut a side of beef with those cheekbones. This occasionally includes Thom Browne clown suits that double as Met Gala tuxes.
Products contractually obligated to shill: A line of men’s hosiery, made to be especially accommodating to the needs of the active drag queen; child-size lab coats and scrubs; tinted moisturizer that straight men will actually wear; a line of maddeningly adorable family Halloween costumes; a YouTube partnership with Michelle Phan explaining how to do makeup for said costumes.
Advice dispensed: How to raise child stars who don’t self-destruct upon immediate entry into adulthood.
Diet to be leveraged into best-selling cookbook: Eschews releasing a cookbook because he and partner David Burtka have dined any and everywhere worth trying. Instead, releases a must-have restaurant guide/app which immediately renders Zagat and Yelp useless.
Estimated shelf life: Enthusiasm may come in waves, but spikes upon the announcement of a new Harold and Kumar movie and the Tonys.
Site name: CharlaVite!
Target audience: People who will believe anything, two-bit hucksters seeking mentorship.
Signature style: Hospital scrubs — you know, to remind people you’re a doctor.
Products contractually obligated to shill: “Ruining You: a Guide to Destroying Your Life” by Dr. Mehmet Oz and Phil McGraw, a line of dubiously-sourced weight-loss supplements, magic beans from “Jack and the Beanstalk,” any product directly competing with one created by Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, DFA.
Advice dispensed: Eat this! It will cure your sex life, do your laundry, and make you lose 10 pounds — in a week! Later: how to react should you find yourself being given the business by Sen. Claire McCaskill (D-Mo.).
Diet to be leveraged into best-selling cookbook: Pfffft. Who cares about food? Here, have more branded diet supplements.
Estimated shelf life: He’s got the Oprah seal of approval, so pretty much forever, or until he screws up and kills a beloved pop icon the way Michael Jackson’s doctor did.
Site name: Yaaaaaaassssss
Target audience: People who want to their significant others to look like, smell like, live like, and otherwise be Idris Elba.
Signature style: Just about any kind of suit (except for the ones Steve Harvey wears).
Products contractually obligated to shill: A line of cologne, body wash, and shaving accouterments called The Panty Droppers, Dickie Bows by Driis, exceptionally tailored overcoats inspired by “Luther.”
Advice dispensed: When you get bored with being ogled and adored by men and women the world over, make sure you have a hobby, like DJing clubs in Ibiza, to wind down.
Diet to be leveraged into best-selling cookbook: Every conceivable breakfast food, so that you may imagine he’s cooked it for you.
Estimated shelf life: Timeless. Especially if he’s ever cast as James Bond.