Warning: this post is full of spoilers.
With the conclusion of HBO’s hot-to-trot vampire series “True Blood,” vampires are officially No Longer A Thing. We survived “Twilight” mania, and that means all that’s left is “Vampire Diaries,” which is safely tucked away on the CW. This means we are free to throw ourselves into full-on “50 Shades of Grey” obsessing, which can only be aided by the release of James Franco’s X-rated BDSM documentary, “Kink.”
Here’s the quick and dirty rundown of what happened on “True Blood’s” rather anemic final bow:
- Jessica and Hoyt got married and Jason married Hoyt’s ex-girlfriend, Brigette. This hereby concludes the great girlfriend switcharoo of Bon Temps.
- After much begging from Bill that she be the one to off him, Sookie climbed into a coffin with Bill and drove a wooden stake through his heart. He wanted her to kill him with her fairy light. They compromised.
- Sookie went on to get very, very pregnant by a man whose face we never see. We can safely assume he is not a vampire.
- Pam and Eric kill the Yakuza and free Sarah Newlin, only to catch her again, exactly like they promised they would. They take over the New Blood empire and keep her strung up in the dungeon of Fangtasia, where she becomes a very high-priced — well, Pam called her a whore. $100,000 gets you one minute to drink her blood.
- Sarah Newlin pleading with Pam to turn her. Pam declines, but not before asking, “So you’re just going to be a lesbian now?”
- After years of silence, Sookie can finally hear Bill’s thoughts. “He’s saying all the right things,” she tells Jason. This makes it easier to crawl into a coffin and kill him when the time comes.
- Andy Bellefleur uttering the words, “You may kiss your vampire bride.”
- Pam and Eric starring in a hilarious infomercial for New Blood, which frankly was about the only nod to the show’s camp beginnings.
- Who got Sookie pregnant? The best we can guess is someone completely normal, who doesn’t think her blood smells like heaven, nectar and ambrosia, whose thoughts she can hear. Essentially, the Anti-Bill.
- What happened to Layfayette and Jessica’s bisexual ex-boyfriend? We’re assuming they just lived happily ever after.