The document looked like an official school form, but its tone was mocking — crass, even.
The “Hurt Feelings Report,” as it’s styled, has the purpose of assisting “whiners in documenting hurt feelings” and should be used by said whiners to “seek sympathy from someone who cares.” Those who have been hurt must fill in blanks such as “name of person who hurt your pansy ass feelings” and “how long did you whine.”
Listed among the reasons for filing a complaint are “I am a crybaby,” “Two beers is not enough” and “The weather is too cold.”
The form concluded with the following words of support:
We, as the Dept., take hurt feelings seriously. If you don’t have someone who can give you a hug and make things all better, please let us know and we will promptly dispatch a ‘hugger’ to you ASAP. In the event a ‘hugger’ cannot be found, an EMS Team will be dispatched to soak your socks in coal oil to prevent ants from crawling up your leg and eating their way up your candy ass.
According to the News Journal of Wilmington, Del., parents of kids at Lombardy Elementary School found the document in their inbox this week, attached to an email about the school’s upcoming “Exercise Your Brain Day.” While the “Hurt Feelings Report” was satirical in tone, some thought the joke went too far, as it appeared to make light of bullying.
The parent who sent the form to the News Journal called it “completely offensive and mocks children who are bullied in schools.”
But another man picking up his child from school this week shrugged off the mishap: “If the children didn’t see it, what is the problem? It was a dumb prank, but I don’t think it was malicious.”
Brandywine School District spokeswoman Alexis Andrianopoulos told the Associated Press that the email attachment, the work of someone not affiliated with the school, was sent inadvertently.
“This was an embarrassing mistake, but it was just that — a mistake,” Andrianopoulos said. “It should not have happened, and we apologize for the error.”
The state of Delaware made two major changes to its anti-bullying statutes in 2012, adding bills around cyberbullying and how bullying is reported in public schools.
The sarcastic document resembles the district’s anonymous online form for reporting incidents of bullying. The latter asks for witnesses, which is noted in the “Hurt Feelings Report” as “was anyone sympathetic to whiner (please include paid witnesses).”
Other versions of the “Hurt Feelings Report” have floated around the Internet for years.
Correction: The name of Lombardy Elementary School was misspelled in an earlier version of this post.
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